Manic Diary

Questioning existence

So as I may have talking about the the "Happy? New Years" chapter, my nana was sick and her health was visibly decking every day. She passed away on February 8th. I didn't feel sad at all about her passing. It made me understand something new, death can be a good thing. After seeing my nana suffer for the past few months, forgetting who she was, losing common sense, losing the ability to function both physically such as walking and mentally such as thinking about walking. I never thought of death to be happy, but I'm very happy she is not suffering anymore.

But there's been more things on my mind.

Understanding the way life works. I've always been told things happen for a reason, and they truly do. I always thinking about how my life was 3 years ago. Going a whole day without saying a word to anyone, going home just to go straight to sleep, wake up eat dinner, cry, and then go back to sleep. It was a cycle I thought was never going to end. But now, I'm living what I would've thought is the dream. I'm very grateful for the beautiful life I've been given. But, will I ever be completely happy?

I just wonder what it's like to live this life while being in a relationship? Would my life be better?
I hate being single. I just wish I had someone that loved me on a greater level than my friends and my parents. Someone who will take the time to understand my past and how it influenced me to be the person I am today. Someone who is too scared to put trust into others, someone who used to talk to much now is silenced, afraid of hated and judged by others.
Will someone ever get to hear my story?

I want someone to hear it and understand my feelings. In my mind I'm obsessed over someone, but in front of them I start to think, "Do they see me as an embarrassment?"

I'm always so afraid a guy will be judged if seen talking to me. I'm a quiet girl no one knows but if talked to, gets shy and nervous and stutters.

These thoughts came from 6th grade when a guy asked me out and I said yes. The word got out and  his friend on the bus asked me if we were dating or not. I said yes but the guy said that he said no, he didn't know who I was. I know I've always said I've never been in a relationship, but this wasn't even a real relationship.

I'm so afraid of hearing those words again. They were so disgustingly hurtful.

Why are people like this? What causes them to be so brutal?

I've many questions for life. Such as, when is it my turn to fall in love? I see everyone else doing it? When is it my turn? I saw a girl on my fyp who's in her 30s and she's never even had a boyfriend yet. Will that be me?

I've also been believing more in god, realizing the miracles that have happened in the past three years. But I wish he would answer me.

I've also been watching "WizardLiz" on YouTube to get my confidence back up, and it's worked a lot. Understanding more about how to gaslight your brain.

A thing I have a hard time dealing with is my past. No matter what I can't get over the trauma. Being excluded, never being the first option, being used.
Why do people do this to others?

Lately I've been getting myself into some quick starting and ending relationships with guys.
They ask for my number and I give it to them and we talk. But I do more research on these guys, and see their behavior, and I just think "they're not the one". So I end things with them. I base my standards off what I see in healthy relationships, so it's not like my standards are unrealistic. I just don't want a guy who takes forever to respond to me, follows multiple girls on ig, and snap score goes up when I'm still left of delivered. I just go through these guys until I find someone who sees me as their #1.

Will a guy see someone like me as their #1? I have my great qualities it just takes awhile to see it. I'm like a treasure chest. It's hard to find me, but when you do you can't simply open me for the gold, you have to pry for weeks and months, then you find gold and become rich.

No one takes the effort to get to know me. It's too much work.

I've been so gloomy lately. I've been listening to slow and sad music. Talking about heartbreak and love. I do have a friend, but it's not like me to share my feelings.

I hate asking for help, it makes me look so vulnerable. I always act like a goofy and funny person, but really I'm lonely. I think the main reason I want a boyfriend is so I have someone to talk to. Someone close enough I can share my feelings with. I can't do that with anyone now. I want to tell someone the things that happened 3 years ago, I want to spill everything out.

I control all of the emotions inside of me. It's so hard. I control my anger and sadness and cover it with a temporary happiness. In hopes people would approach me and not see me as intimidating and mean.

I hate controlling these emotions. I hate being so strong. This is the only way I can show them. By writing on an app and publishing them so nobody could see.

I wonder if I'll come back to this when I'm older. Sometimes if I want a cry I'll read a chapter.

I also wonder how others feel when they read these. Do they feel emotional like me?

Hopefully next chapter will be a happy one. I could be graduating who knows.