Manic Diary

Whats my reason for living

I don't know. Tbh I have no idea what my reason for living is. I'm worthless. I get yelled at. I have no best friends. The only people who actually love me and care about me are my parents and brother. But sometimes my parents will yell at me. My dad a lot. I hate getting yelled at. It makes me cry and feel hopeless. I feel like such a terrible person when anyones mad at me. I feel like I didn't meet their expectations of my. I feel like I disappointed them. I made them mad.

Anyways how do I find my reason for living? When will I ever find it. When will I find someone her cares about me (not related)? I really hate life. I should be grateful to have a caring family. But it's just hard not to be sad over this stuff when people have it worse. I hope y'all can understand. I'm not being ungrateful of my family I love them a lot.

When I was doing the dishes, I picked up a large knife. I stood there. Starring at the sharp edge of the knife. Just imagining what it would be like if I stabbed myself right there. In front of my mom. What would happen? Would I live? Would I be able to come to school the next day? Would I wake up in grippy socks? What will happen..

I don't know what exactly would happen. But I tried so hard not to let curiosity take over me. I just wanted to know what it would feel like. What I would see. Would I see a light? Or would I see the fire from hell? I really don't know what I'd do. I've never seen a big portion of blood in person before. Seeing my own for the first time would be an interesting story to tell. Would people distance themselves away from me after attempting suicide? I just have so many questions I wish I had answers for.

But I want to kill myself. I've never attempted but the amount of times I've been close to were a few. I will admit, I've cut myself. Ive cut myself many times on my wrists. Last year and the years before that I've cut myself. It's hard making friends. Fake friends is just about the only friends I've had. I hate everyone who when to Harris County High School. I don't go there anymore but, anyone who goes there. Sucks.
This new school Im going to has made me realize that I'm not weird or unapproachable. Everyone at that school was just mean and judgmental. They judged people based off of their looks.

After I got done starting at that knife, I put it back into the drawer it belonged it. I just started crying. But silently and I wouldn't life my head up. My eyes were like pouring. I had no weird facial expression. I had a straight face. Just tears falling down my face. I ran into my room crying and constantly telling myself "I want to kill myself". Over and over again. And telling myself "why am I still living?" Idk why I'm still living I want to die.