AKSHA Ka Lakshya

The "Four Questions of Life"

"So as I said, either the 'Divine Judge' of the 'Divine Courtroom' will pass the 'Divine Judgement' that the convict's soul will burn in agony in the depths of the abyss for millennia
OR…"( Judge emphasized in a light tone)
As soon as he asserted his 'Divine judgment', my heart and mind were flooded with emotions. I thought 'Damn it, I at least wanted to share my feelings with someone, I wanted to be true to myself, I wanted one last chance, but now(sniff), (sniff) my soul will either burn in agony in the depths of the abyss for millennia 
OR…' "No wait, did I just hear him say 'either' and 'or'? What was that supposed to mean?" I asked myself in a doubtful tone.
I tried to raise my head to look at the Judge and confirm whether I imagined things or heard precisely what he said. But almost when I was about to look at the judge, a fleet of all the beautiful creatures was in front of my eyes and they were no longer beautiful. The shiny blue, pinkish, neon, and golden cloak of aura around their bodies was changed to a black and bloody glowing aura. They all looked like starving hunters who were about to hunt their prey. 
I couldn't move a bone, since I was shackled by the chains of the 'Judgement booth'. I didn't have the moment to consider anything, so I merely accepted my 'Divine Punishment', locked my eyes, and offered myself to those ferocious monsters. Before getting ripped off by them, I uttered "Only if I could have gotten another opportunity to…" with a sad smile and an expectant tone.
After some time had passed, my eyes were still locked, but I was feeling exactly how I felt before. I didn't feel an ounce of pain, so I couldn't help, but out of curiosity, I opened my eyes and saw that all those ferocious monsters had vanished, and then the shackles that ceased my moment, were no longer holding me back.
I was stunned, my mind went blank, and I couldn't comprehend what was happening. The only entity that had the prowess to explain to me was God. So I once again tried to turn my eyes on him, but once again I couldn't see his face since I got imbalanced due to the 'Divine Courtroom' getting demolished. The ground was vibrating, it almost felt like an earthquake. And, soon the palace-like monument returned to nothing, and I found myself on the same floor I was when I first arrived at this place.
"Hahaha, no need to worry my child, Amit. The monsters ambushing you was just a prank. I hope that I didn't startle you." God said while chuckling like before. 
Huh, wtf?.. It slipped out of my mouth and this time, finally I was able to catch a glimpse of God's virtuous face, enchanting smile, lotus-petalled eyes, pure aura, and bright radiance surrounding his beautiful young man's growing complexion body. The most important thing to notice was that he returned to the breathtaking physique he was wearing the first time I saw him. 
"Why did you save me? Why didn't you pass 'Divine judgment' on me? I did everything to deserve that, then why(sniff), why…" I regretfully responded to him.
"Why? you ask, huh? I guess, it's because I wasn't satisfied with the trial. I thought the trial wasn't enough to convict you. I want to inquire further and know more about your perspective." 
"But, then what about the 'Divine evidence". Wasn't that enough to convince you? It showed that I am guilty of doing sins. I don't deserve mercy."
"So you are doubting my decision. You are doubting the one you acknowledged as God?"
"No, it's not like that. I'm just implying that the hammer had come down and the 'Divine judgment' had passed already. Wouldn't it be wrong to overlook it?" 
"You don't need to bother yourself with that measle things. Have you forgotten the rule? everything here will be decided on my whim. I can do whatever I find suitable. And who is saying that I'm overlooking the 'Divine Judgment'? I said I wasn't convinced with the previous trial. So we will do a retrial."
I still couldn't understand why he was doing this, so I dared to ask him again the reason, "Pardon my impertinence, my Lord, but I want to learn, why? There should be a reason for you to hold a retrial, right?"
"If you are asking for a reason then I would say that I can't believe that a person who has 80% pure emotions in his heart should be convicted with some basic procedures. Also, your 'sin' percentage was 55% which was nearly the same as your 'virtues'. So, I thought I would hold a retrial, my way. If you want, that is."
For the first in my life or maybe afterlife, someone trusted me and consoled me. I was once again trying to reject my true self by doubting myself, but god was able to see right through me. I was moved and about to cry, but I somehow swallowed my tears and answered god," Yes please, I request for a retrial, my lord".
"Well, then my child, this trial will not be the same as before. I will organize a special trial. I will explain to you the special trial now, pay heed". 
"I will definitely, my lord."
"The first and the most important rule is that- I will ask you 'Four questions of life'.
I will judge you based on your answers and it will be held here only."
"The second is something in your favor- You will have the right to not answer one of the 'Four questions of life', without knowing the succeeding questions. Hence, you will only be answering three questions."
After paying heed to his first two rules, a sudden thought ran through my mind, sending chills down my spine, I was frightened to death pondering about that thought. I asked him, "Will all questions be related to each other?" I needed to confirm because I don't know what I would do if asked more than one question about that..,.., that person. I was trembling in fear as I asked god that.
"That comprises the third rule that is- The 'Four questions of life' will be unrelated to each other. They will be regarding distinct aspects of your life. Also, remember that I won't comment on your answers. I will be nothing more than a judge and spectator, who will judge your answers and pass the 'Divine Judgment'. You understood?"
Thank god, that all the questions will be unrelated to each other. I felt relieved and I knew where exactly to use my 'abort' option. I answered god in the positive and hence the retrial commenced.
"Why do you loathe your family? It is the foremost one among the 'Four questions of life'. Go ahead and answer."
"When I was born, the ones I saw first were my parents. So initially I used to love them, even my father whom I hate the most in the contemporary. When I became rational enough, I found my father irritating and he always used to get on my nerves. He always resorted to domestic violence to silence other members, mostly my mother.
 He was a slacker, most of his day he used to slack around and abuse my mother. When I tried to stand up for my mother, he threatened me that he would restrict my allowance and remove me and my mother from the house. I detested him enough to kill him, but I lacked the guts. I used to kill him regularly in my mind. He was the one who affected my frail heart and introduced me to the hellish part of the world. My mother used to work for her death. She had a lot of serious injuries but we couldn't afford medical facilities due to financial deficiency. I was far behind in the modern world since I didn't have enough money to advance. 
But I didn't lose hope yet. I thought that if I studied hard, then I would become rich, and then I would treat my mother. I even topped the exams. But none in my family was happy and they didn't motivate me. Then I thought for whose sake I was doing all that for? The more I thought about it the more I started going deeper into my head and before I realized it, I ceased caring about anything, even myself. I started conflicting with my mother and blamed her for bringing me into this shitty and cursed world. 
As for my brother, he never cared about our family conditions. I thought I was the only one bothered by it. My brother used to fool around and waste money. I wanted him to die. I wanted every member of my family to die. Hence, I loathe them from the bottom of my heart, for making me suffer even though I did my best."
"Do you still detest them?"
"Yeah, I do."
"Let's move towards the second question of the 'Four questions of life'- Why are you so scared of that man?"
"I want to use the 'abort' option, my lord," I uttered those words without considering what the succeeding questions could be. I decided on it beforehand. Only thinking about that man makes me shiver, it makes me puke, and my mind goes blank. I don't want to talk about him no matter what.
"Since you have already used your 'abort' option, you will have to answer the next two questions. Do you agree? Also, you know that suicide is considered as one of the greatest sins."
"Yeah, I'm fully aware of it."
"Then answer the upcoming third question, which is- why did you blame god for everything before suicide?"
"I always had faith in God that someday it would rescue me from my cursed life and free my mother from her suffering. I forever believed that someday a miracle would happen and it would improve my and my family's lives. I wanted god to kill the monster who was disguised as my father. But it never happened, but I constantly waited for it to happen. Before I could know, I realized that there was even a monster inside me, also that every person has a monster inside them. I didn't wish to exist in such a world and hence I at least wanted God to guide me so that I could achieve salvation. But even that never occurred. I comprehended the fundamental principle of life which was 'The more you would know and live, the more you will grieve', so I ended my life. I accused God of making me live in that cursed world and also because God never paid heed to my prayers."
"Are you trying to imply that Gods shouldn't reincarnate souls in the first place, so they won't have to suffer?"
"I'm not trying to imply anything, my lord, except for sharing my perspective."
"Very well, then onto the last question of the 'Four questions of life" which is- what is your biggest regret of life? 
I would suggest you not hold back your emotions and feelings anymore. You don't need to play it cool. Who knows if you ever will get another chance? So let everything out, my dear child."
As soon as I heard those words, I jumped and cried without tears. I cried a lot, I cried a lot, I cried till my heart found no peace. I was waiting for the time when someone would understand my feelings and today was that time. My tears are not stopping as if someone has untied me. After some time, when my mind calmed down, I started answering God's question.
"I said while sobbing that the biggest regret of my life is that I never wanted to embrace my true self. I always listened to my mind instead of my heart. I started hating everyone, even myself. I killed all my talent. I had so much potential but because of me my potential was never unleashed and it had to die with me. I wanted to make use of my potential to free my mother and my family from all the suffering. The biggest regret of my life is I never loved anyone nor anyone loved me. I wanted someone to love me, I wanted to love my mother and all my relations and vice versa. But it never happened because I always stuck to my fake self. I wanted to be a philanthropist and help as many people as possible. I wanted everyone to smile, and live happily with their family and with respect. Since all of us are the same, we all have the right to be happy. I even used to shoplift to help that beggar kid feed his family. I gave him the lunch and belongings of those kids because they always used to Bully others and snatch their things. I thought it would help that kid's family. But when they were beating that kid to death, I was intimidated and furious at the same time. I wanted to kill them, but I couldn't gather up the audacity to do so. Since that day, I have tried to kill my true self completely and worn the disguise of a cold, heartless person so that I would not regret that kid's death. But I wasn't able to live with that regret, since that kid was like a little brother to me, the first person whom I loved, and his smile always made me feel positive and motivated. But when he died in front of my eyes, I felt like the bright sun of my life had sunk and it would never rise again. My life was filled with darkness. These regrets and the mental pressure of improving my family conditions, studies, and everything else pushed me to suicide, but I never wanted to. I wanted to live, love, and never lie, damn it, damn it, damn it (while punching the floor)"
"I always wanted someone to love me and someone I could love. I wanted to tell someone that I will be there to protect you even if it kills me. I wanted to make as many people as I could smile. I wanted a family, a real one. I wanted to reform the world into a beautiful place. But because I never accepted my true self, I wasn't able to do a single, damn thing, damn it all.
Only if I could get a chance, then I will always stick to my true self and fulfill my desires and love everyone and make everyone love me. 
Damn it, I wish I could have gotten one more chance."
As soon as I finished answering God said "Then, I will give you that another chance..."