The Long Way Around

Wallowing

Harlow
2014

Apparently I slept the whole day away and awoke the next morning. For the next few days I did nothing. I felt nothing. Just an overwhelming sense of cold and emptiness. I spoke no words. I only drank and ate small amounts of water or soup, all of which had to be almost forced down my throat by Solei.

The great friend she was. She really became my sister. In those days she took care of me more than herself. I could see Xiaowei wracked with worry for the woman he loved as he watched her trying not to fall apart and for his woman's best friend who looked more dead than alive.

I stayed in the hospital for three weeks. I had healed from giving birth. The wound on my head had also healed. The hospital refused to discharge me due to my mental health. I hadn't heard from Haoyu since the day I awoke.

With the loss of my baby and Hao's abandonment of me I just lost all motivation and sense of self. I couldn't go on... no. I didn't want to go on. I was weak. I failed in protecting my own baby.

On the last day of the third week, while Solei stepped out to go home and shower Xiaowei came into the room. He looked at me silently. He took a few slow steps to over to my bed and sat down on the edge. "LowLow." He paused and I slowly turned my head from the window and looked at him. "I need you to snap out of it. Solei needs you to snap out it." He paused under my weak stare. "I know you are hurting and this is a pain I will never pretend to understand. But we need you snap out of it. If even for a moment. You've given up. Solei can't do this without you. And I can't do this without her. So you see... we're all counting on you. While she watches you leave her I'm watching her lose it. She's wasting away right beside you. So we need you to come back. It is not your fault what happened to you baby. But you must go on for Joshua. It is what he would have wanted. His wonderful mommy to live a full life for him."

I took in Xiaowei's words. Almost like there was a break in the fog. I spoke for the first time in almost a month. So quietly almost in a whisper, "Wei. I don't know how to go on. Every memory, every word, it plays through my mind like an endless loop."

Xiaowei put his hand on my shoulder, "If it's all a constant reminder than let's restart. Solei and I will go with you anywhere to start new."

With that I turned my head and continued to look out the window.

Two hours later Solei returned freshly showered with a semblance of life in her face. Xiaowei sat in the chair watching tv while I stared out the window. "Solei. I want to go home. I want to go back to New York."

Her and Xiaowei's heads both whipped in my direction. She dropped her bag and ran to me tears flowing from her eyes. She engulfed me in her arms. "Low, anywhere you go I will go. We will leave immediately". And with that she cried as it was the first time she heard my voice in weeks.

Two days later, we left Shanghai on a plane headed for home. Not on the Xu's time and not on their dime. If I was going to leave it would be when I was ready and I would never rely on that damned family again. We didn't need there pity. We'd be fine on our own in New York City.

The moment that plane took off, Hao and Shanghai were dead to me.