𝑯𝒆𝒚 𝑳𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒓 ꧁𝓘𝓽𝓼𝓾𝓸𝓶𝓲 𝓝𝓪𝓰𝓲 ꧂ (Volume I)

𝓟𝓻𝓸𝓵𝓸𝓾𝓰𝓮: 𝓜𝔂 𝓗𝓮𝓪𝓻𝓽 𝓢𝓪𝔂𝓼 𝓨𝓸𝓾'𝓻𝓮 𝓜𝓲𝓷𝓮

༄༄༄༄༄༄

My dad was stationed at a military base outside of  Lagos, one of the most bustling cities in Nigeria. I remember sitting in our house upstairs in my room, mesmerized by the flashing lights of the city, almost as if it was calling  me. Beckoning me over to a bigger world. Bigger than anything I could've ever seen before. When I met Itsuomi on the College foreign exchange forum my world was still so small, suddenly, it turned into a giant grand horizon; endless possibilities and places to explore.

I was always scared to chase after that feeling. To explore outside of my own small little world. Itsuomi opened the world up to me. He told all the places he's traveled and all the places he wants to visit....with him, the world never seemed so different, never seemed so small. I don't know if I decided to become an in-person Exchange student because of him or because I was tired of sitting in my small room, watching that city call my name...and me never answering that call.

"Don't be nervous, I'll be there when you land." I still remember those words. How soft and gentle his voice sounded on the phone, how calm and relaxed he was. There hadn't seemed to be an anxious bone in his body, I admired him in that way. His strong yet gentle demeanor. That day I felt something in my chest, as if butterflies were going to spew out of my mouth at any second, I brushed it off as nerves but now I know it was because of him.

We had only talked online up until this point. To see him person made all our conversations more real, and meaningful. I remember I used to stay up late because of the difference time zones just to talk to him. We would have random conversation about nothing and everything at the same time. I was addicted to making him laugh, the way I could just hear his smile through the screen, gave me a warm feeling I didn't know what to name. But whatever it was I loved it.

Landing in Japan as an Exchange student I was nervous, afraid, home sick, I didn't speak the language. I had a huge culture shock, everyone here seemed so quiet and polite, whereas in Nigeria we're loud and sometimes a little rough with our words. Itsuomi was very accommodating, it seemed like he liked the fact that I was so different. That I acted so different. He was so intrigued by the world and the people in it; he asked me so many questions about Africa, about my home, about the people, and the food. He asked about my family and what life was like growing up. Sometimes he asked too many things but in a cute way. I asked him things too, about his life in Germany, about his life here, about his travels and plans.

His blue eyes would flicker when we talked about the world. His lips would curl slightly into a small grin, and I could tell that mentally he was in a whole another world. The world in his mind was vast and endless. My world was bigger because of him. My life was different than it was before. When I met Itsuomi, my now best friend, everything changed, and overtime....even the way I felt about him began to shift.

It was a slow and steady shift. Without even realizing it. I had fallen in love with him. Defiantly, I kept this to myself, I knew he wouldn't feel the same for me. I didn't know that for sure but I wanted to shield myself from the sting of rejection. I didn't want to lose him as one of my closest friends, so in my heart he was mine, mine to me. But in reality that was farther away from the truth than it could have ever been. His heart never belonged to me. Maybe secretly it once did. But I had missed my opportunity to ask. He loved another now. And he has changed so much because of it (in a good way of course). In the same way that I had changed because of him.

That's what love is supposed to do. Make you change for the best....or sometimes the worst. Drive you crazy like nothing else can. And make your heart ache, ache like it's slowly shattering into a thousand tiny pieces with fragments of happy memories inside of them, the ones we shared; together. There was no real laugh like Itsuomi's laugh with mine. We'd laugh until our stomachs hurt. Until we forgot what we were laughing about and then laugh some more about how we forgot.

I loved him. I'm in love with him. But I realized to late. I waited too late. I didn't want to ruin what we have but I fear I've done something much worse. I fear I ruined what we could've had, what we could've been. But I can't just say that to him. Not now. Not while he's exploring this new feeling with Yuki....this new world.

I wish I was like a world to him. The same way Yuki is. I thought I was. I thought I was special; maybe not special enough.