Tanner's Unrelenting Soul (The Cunningham's Book Two)

I Can't Do This

Warning: Please note that this chapter contains a scene of self-harm. It also depicts a woman suffering a manic bipolar nervous breakdown. This may be a trigger to someone who suffers from manic bipolar mental disorder. It could also be a trigger for someone who has dealt with inflicted self harm, or may have suicidal thoughts. Please take caution as you read and read at your own risk.

TANNER*

Jace and I huddled together as mom, and dad yelled at each other downstairs. To drown out the noise, I turned the television up louder. We had only gone to bed a short while ago, but the sound of our mom’s screams had woken Jace, prompting him to run to my room. As I looked closer, I noticed that his security blanket was nowhere to be found. He always tightly clutched it in his hands, as if it were an extension of himself. “It’s okay, buddy. Don’t worry, everything will be alright. Where is your teddy bear and blanket?”

Wiping away his tears, Jace pointed towards my closed door. “I dropped my teddy bear and boppy on the floor. Can you get them for me, Tanner? I’m too scared.”

“Yes, wait here. I will get them for you.” I made my way to his room and found his teddy and blanket on the floor between our rooms. Plucking them up from the ground, I then ran back to my room, fearing that our parents may hear me.

“I never wanted children, Jason! You made me do it! Now I feel pressured into having another baby with you! Why won’t you leave me alone? Go find a whore to have a baby with! I couldn't care less if you cheated, if it meant you wouldn’t come near me, ever again!”

Mom’s screams echoed upstairs as if she were in the next room and Jace clung to me tighter than before as he whimpered and fresh tears fell from his eyes. Being the oldest and feeling like I needed to protect my baby brother, I did my best to hold my fear and sadness inside. I had to be strong for both of us. But with each word mom says, it becomes harder not to join Jace and let the tears collecting in my eyes to flow.

“You stopped taking your lithium again, haven’t you, Chloe? I’ve said nothing about having anymore children! I’m taking you to the hospital! Stop screaming, or you’ll wake the boys! You’re going to hurt yourself, sweetheart!” dad yelled, then I heard a glass shattering against the tiled floor in the kitchen.

“Of course you want to send me away! Why? Because I don’t want a baby, and I’m voicing my opinion on the matter? I’ll take the boys to the zoo tomorrow, and then I’m leaving! I never wanted to be a mom! Having babies did this to me, made me manic bipolar! I told you I wouldn’t be able to handle it! You made me! I can’t do it, Jason! All you do is work! You are never here to help me! Jace and Tanner drive me nuts!” 

“Chloe, I’ve called an ambulance! Calm down! Don’t do anything crazy before they get here! Put the glass down! I’ll get you the help you need!” 

I heard more glass shattering to the ground, and then I heard someone running up the stairs. Dad burst through the door a moment later. “Come on, boys, your Aunt Diana has arrived, and you will stay with Blaze for a few days. I’ll bring some clothes over tomorrow. Come quick.” He scoops Jace into his arms, puts his arm around me, and we make our way toward the stairs.

“Dad, is momma ok?”

“No, Tanner, your mom is not alright. She’s very sick. An ambulance is on the way, so she can get better.” We descended the stairs and the need to check on her overwhelms me.

“Tanner, no! Don’t go in there,” dad yelled, but it was too late.

I ran to the kitchen, where I knew mom must be, and when I flung open the door, I looked to see that she had a shard of glass on her wrist.