Unconditional!

21. Explanation

18:40 7Feb24

My eyes snapped up to meet hers when I felt her hand on my knee before giving me a gentle squeeze. "You shouldn't feel guilty for what you did, you had an impossible choice in front of you. There was no right choice for you. Don't kill her and let her suffer or kill her and stop her suffering. You should never feel guilty for what you did. Your family is at fault here, not you, not her but them." She says sternly, her hand maintaining a comforting grip on my knee making me smile.

"I don't know if I will ever be able to free myself from this guilt but I will try. To be honest, I don't even know why I told you this at first but now I realize I just...I wanted someone to know. I wanted someone to understand. After hearing everything you told me, I felt like you would understand. I just...I felt safe telling you this. Not that I feel otherwise with Meera or Scarlet, I just..." I trailed off not knowing the right words to finish my thought.

"You felt free to share your story because compared to them I am a stranger to you but you also trusted me not to judge you, to understand you. Like a...trusted stranger." She offers with a soft smile making me laugh as I nod holding her hand that was over my knee.

"Exactly. Trusted stranger. That...seems fitting." I reply with a smile before she removes her hand with a last squeeze before her expression hardens once again, ready to continue with the retelling of her past, calling it a story that just feels...disrespectful.

"Around a thousand years later he heard about a ruthless soldier, he immediately wanted that soldier to be his. It was Jacob. He was a man born into a family of soldiers who never had the chance to be a boy. He was taught to be strong, powerful, ruthless, merciless, and a monster on the battlefield. Mercy was a crime, asking for it was the most cowardly request anyone could ever make. He was what was needed of him...a monster. But he couldn't contain his monster to the battlefield. He had killed hundreds on the battlefield, some deserving but most were not. After another battle he came home to find a group of men robbing his house, he couldn't control his monster as he started slaughtering the men oblivious to his injured wife shouting at him to stop. Lost in his rage he drove his sword in his wife's stomach before he could fathom what he had done. That night, the soldier inside him died, and the flood of emotions he kept buried inside busted through, reminding him of every innocent life he took in the name of war. He wanted a redemption he didn't believe he could ever earn in his lifetime so he did what he felt he needed to do. He plunged his sword inside himself attempting to take his own life. But that wasn't what Erebus wanted. He had been observing his soldier for a while, wanting to turn him at the perfect moment and he believed that was it. He turned him. Commanded him to be the soldier he wanted him to be despite his desperation for redemption and mercy. Despite our guilt, death had never been as tempting for Scarlet and me as it is for Jacob." She stopped to take a breath, her eyes lost in the memories of the past no doubt when a word registered in my mind.

"Wait! 'As it is for Jacob', what does that mean?" I asked confused and a tad concerned for him. She passed me a sad smile before nodding in confirmation of my fear.

"The only reason he continues to choose life over death is his need for redemption, he made a promise to himself to choose death the day he believes he has found his redemption." She explains causing me to release a heavy breath as I shake my head not knowing if I am ready to hear more but I can't ask her to stop now.

"While it's true that I unexpectedly found a brother in him, maybe it's because his eyes remind me of my own brother but it's also true that maybe deep down he too resents me as much as Scarlet does." She says causing me to look at her with a confused expression. She chuckles when she sees the expression on my face before shaking her head.