Unconditional!

21. Explanation

"I lost consciousness again after that. When I woke up the next time, everything was too much. The sheets felt too soft, the sounds, the smell, everything...I felt overwhelmed in every way. All my 5 senses assaulted me with too much and if that wasn't enough I felt so hungry. Just as I got off the bed and stood up, Erebus entered the room. I still remember the disgusting and fake feeling of love that I felt for him. At the time it felt like the best feeling in the world but now? I feel disgusted with myself for feeling love for him. I hate myself for letting him touch me, for letting him drink my blood, for letting him manipulate me in so many ways. I did many things for him...horrible things. Just to please him. Do you know what I hate the most and what I fear the most?" She asks me with hate and anger in her eyes, not for me but not for him either. But for herself. I hated seeing that!

I shook my head.

"I did it because I loved him. I let his fake love influence me so much that I let go of every morality for him. To make him happy. I love Hera so much! But I fear that if she ever needed or wanted me to drop my morals for her, I would do that in a split second. She is my mate. I could...would be ready to hurt the world before I let her get hurt and that...that is what scares me the most." She explains, her eyes haunted and hands clenched in fists, making me gulp as I tried to form words but I came up empty. My words are useless but...maybe, I take a deep breath before sharing my secret.

"I killed an innocent 18-year-old girl once," I confess causing her to snap her head up to face me, shock flashing across her face before she covered it all with a poker face. I gave her a faint smile at her attempt to make me feel comfortable.

"Meera feels guilty for never telling me about her dreams and I feel guilty for not telling her that her best friend killed an innocent person. I know she will most probably hear me out and try to understand me but I haven't been able to forgive myself for doing what I did, I just don't understand how she would be able to forgive me. I haven't even told Scar yet...I just don't want to...I am scared, what if she feels deceived? Plus-'

"Miss. Smoak you should know that Scarlet, Jacob, and I are the last people in the world who would judge you. We have committed many sins but hypocrisy isn't or would be one of them." She says with a smile making me chuckle as I nod.

"Thanks. I...I don't even know where to start. She was my girlfriend. My first girlfriend. My parents and my family are the biggest homophobic people I know. When they found out that I was gay and I had a girlfriend it was...hell. She was a year older than me and I was 17 when they found out, we had been together for 2 years by then. They were livid! I was locked in a small room in the basement for a week with 2 liters of water and no food as they needed damage control. They couldn't let a dyke daughter ruin their empire. They ruined her family. Sent her father to jail under false accusations, her mother fell into a coma after a 'robbery' gone wrong, and they kidnapped her. I didn't know. They let me out and took me downstairs to the basement where I was face to face with her. I hadn't cried yet, the whole week I didn't cry but that moment? It broke my defenses. My father was undeterred. He handed me a gun and told me to shoot. I couldn't. Forget shooting a gun, I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe. I collapsed. When I regained consciousness, I was tied to a chair in front of her. My father was there saying how disappointed he was at me before...he started beating her. I cried, screamed, and yelled at him to stop but he didn't. He kept going...fists, slaps, kicks, hurting her to punish me. After exactly an hour he stopped and said that this would happen every day until I decided otherwise. 8 Days. I don't know how I found the courage to do so but I pulled the trigger...I just knew that I couldn't see her in pain anymore. I still remember what she said before I pulled the trigger...Thank you. They haunt me, her words. It was my fault that she was in that place, that situation because of me. I just couldn't stay there anymore, my father's abuse, my brother's disgust, and my mother acting like I didn't exist...I couldn't take it anymore. That house haunted me in more ways than one. I ran away and never looked back." I took in a shuddering breath as I wiped my face of the tears flowing down my face.