unspeakable | jegulus

do i read the message in your eyes?

chapter title: blue letter by fleetwood mac

James managed to transfigure something acceptable in his dorm. A cowboy hat, boots, blue jeans. He heard the door open behind him and stilled.

"Happy Halloween, James." He felt something hit the back of his head and fall to the floor.

Remus grinned at him, James looked down at the Chocolate Frog he'd thrown at him. He grabbed it off the floor and sat on the edge of his bed to open it. He missed him more than he would ever be able to say.

"Do you still collect these?" He grabbed the little frog before it could jump away and popped it in his mouth.

"Some of them, most of the ones I get now are ones I already have." Remus sat on his bed beside him. "How are you holding up?"

They hadn't gotten very many moments alone together over the past few weeks.

The last full moon had been deeply uncomfortable. James had shown up at the Shrieking Shack unannounced and uninvited. Sirius didn't say a word, just looked at him with so much hurt and hatred he wanted to leave as soon as he got there. When he moved toward the door Remus gritted his teeth and shouted for them to get over themselves and help him.

It was a bad moon.

"It's not as bad as I thought it would be." James said, offering him the card (Merlin, which he knew he already had. Remus took it anyway). "I miss you lot, obviously, but Regulus' friends are pretty alright. Barty seems like he's trying to adopt me or something, like I'm a rescue dog." Remus smiled.

"They're being kind to you?"

"They're just treating me like a friend. They aren't really kind to each other, it seems like a mark of friendship for them is how much they can bully each other and get away with it. It's a bit different, but it isn't bad. Today was nice."

"We saw you by the water." Remus said, and his expression darkened. "Sirius hasn't been doing well. It's really hard for him to see you fitting in with them. Looking happy. He thinks you're perfectly fine without him."

"That's what he's supposed to think." James frowned. "I'm not. I miss him everyday. It feels like half my heart ran out of my chest."

"It's not the same without you."

"It's not the same without you either. It's shit without you." James stared at his shoes. "I've been getting better at lying. It's making me feel a bit sick. I didn't know you could teach yourself something like that."

"You need to learn how to lie, perfectly, for your plan to work, James."

"I know I do, I just never thought I would have to be the bad guy, not for anything. I never wanted to hurt people."

"I tried to stop you." His voice was small and tight.

"I'm glad you didn't, despite all the difficult parts. I know I have to do this. If I don't, who's going to do it? Would you rather have someone other than me in there?" Remus' expression looked pained.

"As your friend, I would rather anyone else in the world take your place. But you're right. I know you're a good person, I know you'll do anything to do the right thing. You're the right choice. Regulus was right."