KICK IT | JENLISA

117

Jennie

Lisa's eyes closed for a few breaths, expanding and releasing her nostrils in a silent gathering of words. When opened, she offered the same mixed look of regret and concern when she apologised to me for her general asshole existence. "Kendall broke up with me for the first time the night of your dad's party. Nancy and Mina dragged me away from a potential 'NFL quarterback makes an ass of herself by dry humping Hall of Fame legend's daughter' headline."

A sparkle appeared in her eyes. "Let's be honest. Your dad's fireballs are..."

"Meant to cure colds." My smile died faster than it appeared. Hold the testosterone. She and Kendall weren't together when she lit me up like a Christmas tree? Not that I would've agreed, but my shoulders relaxed under that news.

"After I made an ass of myself with you, they took me home. Nancy was driven off the road by a drunk driver and swerved into the tree." Her neck's cords tightened into definition. "I couldn't move my arm. They freaked out, thinking my career and theirs were over."

Her hand met my shoulder, turning me as it curved up the base of my neck. The upward stroke of her thumb made my eyelids heavy. She caught the pad on my jaw, tipping it for her eyes to search mine. "I was already fucked, and didn't need them dragged down for false rumours."

The answer I needed was right there, burning in her eyes. It was so ludicrously kind. No one was that strong, or that good, self-sacrificing of a person.

"Not true. You are, Jennie." she said. Fuck, I actually voiced that thought out aloud. The determined conviction in her voice made me hold back my disagreement. "Don't sell yourself short. I was too full of myself to see it, but every evening you step into that studio, you give yourself to help others."

"It's not all purely unselfish reasons." She couldn't be that kind, and the situation that simple. Doubt poisoned my mind, and a challenge crept into my voice, "You took the fall for it."

"Fucking double standards in this world." Her teeth gritted, tensing the tendons in her forearm, but her fingers held their light grip on my chin. "It was the best angle in the worst assumed situation."

"A quarterback's supposed cheating discretions were swept aside." I muttered, not pushing past my disbelief. No one was that fucking... nice, decent, and honourable, or self-sacrificing. Not in my life.

Two lumpy shoulders lifted. "My short-term headache would be all forgotten in the next season if I won, versus Nancy and Mina's ruined careers, kind of a no-brainer. Houston's management knows the truth, which we've all signed in NDAs with the team."

Lisa once again stunned me into silence, not by her admission but by the casual nonchalance in her voice. It was so insignificant to her, like doing an honourable, and sacrificial act was a no-brainer. A tightness choked my throat. I'd been so, so wrong. Fuck, that was hard to swallow. "What about your relationship with Kendall?" I frowned because Lisa wasn't without fallout. "Don't tell me you were being nice and giving her an out."

"No." The downturn of her mouth corners pulled tightness in my chest. I didn't like the reminder as much as she did, but we both needed our truths flushed out. "It would've happened one way or another."

She didn't say if she was happy about her ended relationship, but her big, and dumb heart didn't have malice in it. Her relaxed smile and shoulders presented the same 'no hard feelings' response. Her silence following their breakup, including her not engaging Kendall at the golf tournament, spoke volumes. For all her public-facing, celebrity-vaulted status, she wasn't in it for the attention. Her relationship ended as ours started – quietly and secretly. I was too blind from my judgment to see that fame and attention chased Lisa and she does not even want it.

"Leaves me open for who I want. The girl who's been crushing my heart every time she leaves, or closes me off from getting to know her. I came here to see if I could convince her to stop doing that."

Her candid admission twisted my stomach. That razor-sharp honesty cut into my conscience, filling the weeping holes with guilt. I had been pulling back, tightening the self-preservation strings that barely held me together, without realising that I had hurt her. Listening to the truth instead of letting my assumptions run wild eased my snap judgment of Lisa, but my issues weren't easily explained away.

Self-preservation's side effect was withdrawing away from connections, cutting off tethers of support. Without anchors, I drifted through my life while its currents pulled around me. One hand grasped the shore, clinging to the parts of Taehyung I never wanted to forget, while the rest of me limply bobbed in time's flowing current.

Irene always pulled me back in when I lifted a tired hand, but that wasn't fair to ask of Lisa. I wasn't delusional to think I was living my life to a healthy extent. It was only existence, passing from one day to the next until my days expired. Scattered moments between when I left my bed and returned were my new normal.