Publicity Stunt

31 | la vérité

He nodded, then mirrored my position. Our hands remained joined between us. "That's probably what you want to know more, right?" he asked. "About everything with Alex."

"Now that you've told me where you were."

He took the next few moments to gather his thoughts, and my heart, being more unsettled than I thought, began this haphazard rhythm behind my ribs. I wasn't sure if it was because of the anticipation or the fear. When Takoda spoke again, he said, "I met her for the first time at this event in Long Beach, and I won't lie to you, I thought she was amazing. She was quiet, and there was just this wisdom in her eyes. I can't really remember the details, but we kept in touch, and feelings came in. I didn't tell her about my depression because I saw it as a burden and didn't want that weight on anybody else, but eventually she started to notice gaps in my behavior. One moment I'd want to get drunk and get in a car, self-destruct. The next I'd ignore her for days, sick of everything. Another I'm asking her to stay five more minutes because I couldn't imagine being away from her. It was basically just a bunch of opposing stuff I did in a haze, and one day she snapped.

"She'd been calling and basically trying to get me to do one thing or the other with her, I'd been declining, and the next thing I knew, she was in my house, fuming, asking what was wrong with me, what I wanted from her, why I kept treating her like a toy. I was so numb to her in that moment that I could barely show interest in anything she was saying. At some point, I got mad and asked her if she couldn't see that I wasn't okay. One thing led to another, she called me an asshole, and walked out. I realized how much she meant to me and tried to make things right, but she wasn't having it." He paused to release a small laugh. "She'd literally text me back to tell me she couldn't handle my shit at the moment, and that I should just leave her alone. I thought that was it. Then there was you."

Takoda smiled at me, and I saw the serenity in his eyes. I wanted to smile back, but I couldn't push past the pain in my lungs. Things were starting to make a whole lot of sense now, so much that I felt silly for even thinking anyone was to blame for what happened. This wasn't about me, or about Xandra. It was just Takoda, and how people were in his life trying to play roles he wasn't ready for. Sometimes when my mental health took a plunge, I'd try my possible best not to go out of my room. While everyone was asleep and the crew was gone, I'd raid the pantry, grab several bags of snacks, take drinks and bottles of water from the fridge.

I wouldn't want to see or talk to anyone. I'd ignore texts and calls, go on unplanned social media breaks. It was a weird state. On the one hand, I was feeling low because I believed for some reason that no one really cared about me in ways that mattered, and on the other I was annoyed that they just couldn't stay out of my business. I would nearly lose my mind every time my mom would knock on my door asking if I was hungry or if I wanted to go to Sunset Boulevard or El Segundo or Santa Monica with her. I'd hate the sound of her voice, hate the smell of her perfume, only to bawl my eyes out after I snapped at her and she left.

Then I'd see the comments. About me being a total unfeeling bitch. About me being the less attractive sister. About me being cut out of the show because I was a complete waste of space. All because I didn't break down in front of the cameras or cried in the confessional like my sister did. All because every one of my down moments were handled within the walls of my bedroom.

I knew what it was like to feel so hopeless and numb. I knew what it was like to unintentionally drag people down. I knew what it was like to badly crave the stillness that eventually led to me sending people away. Not because I wanted to. Not because I had to. But because in that haze, I never realized how much people actually wanted to exist alongside me, how my self-destruction was killing them. I knew what it was like for even family to have enough of my behavior, for them to snap and tremble with annoyance towards me, for me to hate the fact that they don't understand, for the cycle to repeat itself. An infinite loop.