Ideals || Kunikidazai ||

Ideal No. 9

I wake up early even without an alarm but I set one just in case and it chimes across the house as I get dressed. Is it strange that the house feels unusually empty without Yozo, even though she's only been here a day?

I shake my head to clear it, prepare my lunch, and get ready to leave for work.

-

As usual, I'm the first in the office, unlocking the doors, turning on the lights and updating the office notice board with everyone's assignments.

What's unusual is someone arriving only seven minutes after me. My head turns automatically at the sound of the door opening, and then he walks in.

"Good morning, Kunikida-kun," he says, bowing, his tone is pleasant and his voice a strangely appropriate volume for the quiet office. I'm too stunned to speak, the whiteboard marker slipping from my grip.

He walks into the back room, and I hear the refrigerator door opening. Right, there was something in his hands. Did he actually bring his own food for lunch today? No, it must be some weird thing he wants someone to get creeped out when they find it in the refrigerator.

He comes back into the main office, and I'm still standing here with the marker at my feet. He looks at me, concern on his face, then bends down and picks up the marker, holding out to me.

Hesitantly, I take it.

"Are you alright, Kunikida-kun?"

(A/N: Dazai thinks he's so smooth here, lmao)

"I . . . I am fine." I manage through my confusion.

"Alright. I'll be at my desk then."

I don't know what to say to that. Is this some sort of prank?

It's better than yesterday, at least he's speaking. Or maybe that's worse for my poor heart (How can a clown like him be so charming?).

I watch him carefully as he opens his laptop and starts to type, his slender finger tapping out an even rhythm on the keyboard, the sound filling the silence. Now that I really look it's impossible to deny how handsome he is.

He looks so elegant in this outfit, but more than anything, strange. I have not once in two years seen him wear an outfit besides his trenchcoat, blue shirt, and tan trousers. Why the sudden change?

Possibilities whir in my head, leaving me unable to focus, here I am staring off into space, doing nothing, just like Dazai. Oh god.

I have to stop this.

-

30 minutes later the office is full. But again, no one is doing much work besides myself and . . . Dazai.

Atsushi started trying to file his reports, Kenji protested about gossiping, but Yosano dragged them both over to her office to talk about what was going on with Dazai. I try not to listen. Only Ranpo lounges, unaffected by the sudden 180.

He was nearly the same yesterday, how long is this going to go on? Surely not more than a week.

-

I was a bit less productive this morning than yesterday (just because of the shock of the outfit change, that's why I couldn't stop watching Dazai.) but I will make up for it after lunch.

It's during lunch, when it finally occurs to me, in a horrifying realisation that almost makes me spit out my tea.

Isn't it obvious? How could I have missed it? There is only one reason Dazia could be dressed so nicely: to impress a woman. He has a date.

The thought hit me harshly. This is it then, the end of my hoping. He is unequivocally heterosexual and now taken. (Of course, that's why he stopped flirting with the waitress.) I want to find whoever she is and shake her by the shoulders until she tells me exactly how she managed to charm Dazai, how she managed to make him love her, to make him stay.

At this, something else occurs to me . . . what if they're planning a double suicide together?

It makes me feel hollow, but at the same time lose my appetite, so I push the thought away. No. That's not possible, he would have told us. He would have been dramatic about it, made a huge scene. Or maybe, is he planning to cut us all off to make it easier for us when he dies?

No, no, no!

He surely wouldn't have bought new clothes, or bothered trying to change if he was just going to die, surely not?

And all this theorising is pointless anyway, I vowed not to let him take up any more of my time like this anyway. It has to stop! I cannot allow it. He isn't mine. I don't control him. (But oh good god if he killed himself . . .)

I try not to think anymore as I walk back upstairs. When I get to the door, I stop to take three deep breaths to settle myself, then two more because I'm still not settled. I have to let him go. I can, I'm sure I can, (I think).

Dazai is still typing away at his desk, the only evidence that he even took a lunch break being the empty salad tin in the garbage bin.

Did he have only that? It's not enough for a fully grown person, but still better than nothing. Ah, stop!

I keep my eyes forward as I walk to my desk.

I keep my eyes forward as I walk to my desk. Out of the corner of my eyes, I see him look up. He smiles politely.

"Did you enjoy your lunch break Kunikida-kun?"

I feel so rude for not responding but I know I shouldn't play with fire like this anymore. Why is it that he's decided to become so charming when he has a girlfriend?

-

When I finish all my work, I walk out the door hoping this will be over tomorrow, that when I come in he'll be the same as he was before trench coat, idiotic grin and all.