Ideals || Kunikidazai ||

Ideal No. 6

Getting to the office early isn't a problem because of my insomnia. It's so simple, instead of lying in bed for hours I slip on my clothes and walk to the office.

Kunikida will be so surprised when he sees me before him that he'll just have to say something.

I'm so childishly giddy at the thought that I can hardly concentrate but I make myself. I take my paperwork off Kunikida's desk and start filling each form out and typing up the digital copies one by one. I've done 10 paper and digital copies now and I put down my pen at the sound of footsteps.

Kunikida walks right past me like he doesn't notice me at all. He sits down at his desk, but his hand hesitates over his laptop. I force myself to resume my work as if this is nothing out of the ordinary. He hasn't looked at me or addressed me yet so I keep my eyes on the paper.

I look up once as I hear his chair slide back. He stares at me for a second, his grey eyes filled with surprise, then suspicion and then exhaustion. His lips form a thin line, and no words leave his lips. Not even a thank you.

Well, that backfired! But he'll slip up eventually, I just have to keep this up and he'll surely confront me.

-

The president gets here and greets us both. I find great relief in hearing Kunikida's voice even if the words aren't for me.

One by one my colleagues arrive, Kyouka, Kenji, Atsushi, Ranpo and then Yosano,

They all react with surprise in their different ways:

Kenji happily greeted me, saying he was glad to see me on this fine morning.

Kyouka gives me a side-eye but asks no questions.

Atsushi asks me if I'm alright, afraid that something dreadful has happened.

Ranpo's gaze flickers from me to Kunikida, raising an eyebrow. I give him the smallest of nods. He bursts out laughing.

Yosano offers to heal me if I've suddenly developed a brain tumour that's affecting my behaviour.

Kunikida remains silent, not looking up from his laptop. I won't look at Kunikida either, give him a taste of his own medicine.

-

With my fast typing speed, I finish my most recent paperwork, the ones pertaining to our case with the local police, before lunchtime. It crosses my mind that it isn't that bad but then I remember the months backlog I have. I don't groan or make a scene, I give no indication of my emotions.

I start the large pile and get halfway through before I notice the office is oddly silent. I look up and see everyone besides Ranpo standing around Yosano's desk whispering. They're looking right at me and when they see me looking they all stop.

I go back to my work, ignoring them like Kunikida has been ignoring me.

I heard Atsushi ask, "Did Kunikida-san do something to him?" and Yosano reply, "Don't worry, Atsushi, he'll be back to normal by tomorrow."

-

The day passes quickly, differently from usual where everything is a blur. I know exactly what happened but I still have trouble remembering everything because it feels like I sat at my desk and stared at my laptop all day doing one thing, write, type, file, repeat (I did.)

I still have some forms to fill out but if I work at the same rate I'll get them done by the end of the day tomorrow. But I can hardly think of tomorrow when today's been a complete flop. Kunikida didn't react at all.

But he gave me that look, the suspicion. Like the only reason I'd ever do my work was if I had ulterior motives, the fact that it's true cuts me inside. And then that pure weariness.

It's clear to me now that Kunikida isn't mad at me, he's just lost patience and run out of willpower to deal with me. And he shouldn't have to deal with me, I'm a full-grown adult I can be normal. I'm sure I can.

When you think about it Kunikida's ideals are only asking for a regular polite pretty woman who isn't a crazy motherfucking bitch (like me). I will remake myself to fit his ideals and become a better person in the process. It may not work but it's my only and last chance for him to want me.