Ideals || Kunikidazai ||

Ideal No. 3

II can't look at him, I mean I could, it would be so easy, as easy as breathing but now I fight it because I see now, clearer than ever just how much of a fool I am. Dazai Osamu is straighter than a ruler. I've always known what with the way he flirts with any even mildly attractive woman he sees. But I see now that I can delude myself no longer.

I must stop this mad infatuation before it consumes any more of me, and to do that I must quit him as they say "cold turkey". It will work perfectly, most likely he won't even notice that I'm ignoring him and if he does he'll just assume I'm upset about the theft of my property. I am upset about the theft of my property.

So I don't look at him or his cute brown eyes or fluffy hair. Ah, I'm getting distracted again!

The President and the majority of the agency are down at the local police headquarters, assisting in an investigation of a string of robberies, but I stayed behind.

I told Fukuzawa-san that I had paperwork I needed to catch up on. I do, but truthfully I just wanted peace. Away from everyone, away from Dazai.

The stack of paperwork dazai dumped on Atsushi that I offered to take off the poor kid's hands, was finished a while ago, now I stare at the fourth page of my notebook. This always happens, I get the sudden courage to rewrite the section on what my ideal partner would be but then I wimp out at the last moment. This happens for two reasons: 1) if Dazai ever saw it I'd be embarrassed, my ego being crushed so hard even Yosano couldn't revive it. 2) I need to keep these things in mind so I can get over this idiotic crush and find the perfect woman.

-

I'm so engrossed in the page that I almost miss the footsteps of the others coming up the stairs. Quickly I slam the book shut and stuff it in my desk drawer. I open a random document and start typing out my day's schedule from memory so I look busy. It makes me feel like some kid who's pretending to do their homework when their parents come to check on them.

I don't let myself look at Dazai when the group returns to the office, instead, I give my attention to Atsushi, asking him how it went and telling him the paperwork is done. Then I make an expectation to shoot the bandaged freeloader a hard glare. Why am I so obsessed with such a lazy person?

It always makes me think though, that he isn't only lazy, he clearly has some undiagnosed mental health problems. I see it in the way he disregards his life and health and can't make himself get up off the agency's brown sofa. I always try to make allowance for him but sometimes it's too much for one person. And I've never brought my concerns to Yosano-sensei, too scared to admit the way I pay attention to Dazai's habits. I'm going to have to stop doing that if I want to get rid of these feelings anytime soon.