Ideals || Kunikidazai ||

Ideal No. 2

When Kunikida looks at me like that I almost think that maybe he could share even an ounce of my feelings and then I remember his ideals: a list of 13 cursed things keeping me from being anything he would ever desire. A list he sticks to diligently.

I walk past him, pick-pocketing his notebook yet again just to see the list one more time, to once again stare down the traits that separate me from the realm of polite society and tease myself until I feel like I'm going to puke because that's the kind of pathetic loser I am.

I open the book while its owner briefs Atsushi on how to prep a file for sending to the Gifted Special Operations Division.

The List is on the fourth page of the book and I flip there immediately, knowing I only have so much time before Kunikida notices its absence.

The page reads:

The Ideal Woman

Peaceful

Quiet and calm

Down-to-earth

Long hair

Confident and sure of themselves.

Polite with good manners

Likes to have long thoughtful, philosophical conversations

Cultural minded.

Love travelling

Interested in languages.

Shares at least one of my passions (cooking, art, architecture)

Healthy

Trusting

Just to cause myself more pain I make a counter list in my head, or rather bring up the one I make every time I stare at this wretched book.

I am:

Hyper

Loud and Obnoxious

Unfocused and so lost in my dark thoughts I forget that other people exist

(have) short mousy hair

Extremely insecure about myself and my place among other humans, hell I'm not even human, I lost all humanity before age 18, and if I am somehow still human then I'm rapidly losing my humanity. (I don't mind but I know others do)

What are manners again?

(someone who) thinks life has no meaning so why bother debating it

(have) never been outside of Japan before (mafia work-related missions don't count)

Capable of speaking many languages but they bring me no excitement

Not someone who has even bothered to know what Kunilida likes (because I'm so selfish)

Mentally ill

Trust? Never met them, but they sound nice.

I want to rip the page right out but I hold my fingers stiff, gripping the notebook so hard I imagine it crumbling under my touch, I feel my fingers going numb but I can't lose my grip.

I keep mentally crushing the book even as Atsushi looks directly at me. He looks worried, "Hey, um, Kunikida-san."

Kunikida looks up from the paperwork, I know I'm busted but I can't make myself do anything. "Yes, Atsushi-kun?"

"Dazai-san has your notebook again."

"Wha-" Kunikida feels his pocket and turns around to me, "You pilfering pest, return it at once." His voice is calmer than it usually is when he scolds me and I notice that his hand is almost as stiff as mine, outstretched to me.

He doesn't seem to question my motivations for taking the book or what I saw but of course, I just have to make a joke anyway, an ill-timed insult because I can never just leave anything as is.

"Your taste in women is truly depressing Kunikida, so regular, so boring, so average." I can see him getting angry and I want to say "Far too average for someone like you." but a nice polite wife is really what is perfect for him so instead I just say "Gosh, I can just imagine it now, your children are going to be doomed to mediocrity." and continue to rifle through the pages aimlessly, not actually paying attention to their contents, after a second the book is ripped from my hands and Kunikida walks away.

I want to laugh because Kunikida is so far from mediocre that no matter how dull a woman he chooses his children are bound to be smart at the very least. (At the same time this thought, of Kunikida settling down with a woman, makes me want to cry, and I know it's so fucking selfish that the thought of him happy makes me feel so sick but I can't help it.)

-

I wait the entire rest of the day for the lecture but even after he's done helping Atsushi he says nothing. It worries me.

—

I want to come to work early but I can't make myself, and when I stroll in at 10:00 Kunikida doesn't even glare at me.

I should've expected this. I've always known he was going to get tired of my antics and cut me off entirely, as he should. This makes me, a selfish, toxic person, sick to my stomach. We're going to have to talk at some point, and I wish I wasn't such a fuckup so that we could all move on from our lives because I don't think I can stand any more of this.s.

(A/N: sorry if this is badly written, it's late at night and I've never written Kunidazai before, sorry if this is a bit out of character I'm trying to follow some prompts I saw on Tumblr. Also this is alternating perspective if you couldn't tell. Next chapter will be Kunikida's perspective again. If anybody gets too confused, just tell me in the comments and I'll put whoever's perspective it is at the top of the chapter.)