Fragile

24. Doubts

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The stories about fancy and breathtaking chemistry tests weren't fake.

Everyone's face revealed that they were indeed impressive. Extremely dangerous acids mixed into each other made luminous molecule reactions and I used way too many pages from my notebook to write down all the ingredients and extra information.

When I saw white vinegar turning into blood red light phenomenon, I was shocked.

For a brief moment I forgot about calories and my worries. But it was just for a brief.

Shocking was what I felt then, but nothing could've prepared me for even greater shock that came once we traveled to a restaurant.

The food, oh lord the food. So freaking many calories. Everywhere. All around me.

The food smell was so strong that the bathroom already looked extremely tempting.

950kcal. 390kcal. 560kcal. 760kcal. 868kcal. 189kcal. 168kcal. 400kcal. 309kcal. 538kcal. 1050kcal. 182kcal. 827kcal. 900kcal. 170kcal.

Every food that I look at, looks if it has been rolled around in oil at least for a decade. A volcano of oil and butter must have exploded here.

"I can't eat here." I whisper to Fox.

"You can." He courages me, which irritates me a little. I should be the one taking care of him right now, not the other way around.

It was funny, since we both wanted the other one to be alright. He never stopped caring about me, even when his own problems should've made him. And I never will stop caring for him either.

"I can't." I whisper back, shaking my head.

"Be strong, like you've been for so long already. It's alright to be scared." He whispers back and draws a steady hand against my back, making me move along the others.

Nobody else seemed to have problems. Sometimes I really wondered how they could? How could they just sit, talk with their friends and munch their food like it wasn't making them fatter every bite taken? Every calorie they inhaled, the heavier they became.

But it felt as if they didn't, only I gained weight like crazy. Because why on earth was everyone else so skinny and beautiful? It wasn't fair.

We sit down at a table and I try to swallow the pit of fear twisting in my stomach.

You swore yourself. I remind myself about last night. This is for Fox. If I wasn't so keen on my eating, I would've noticed something was wrong with Fox and helped him.

What bugged me most however, was that I was so close to my goal. Two pounds left, and I could've finally been done. But no.

Warm pasta is served to me, and I feel like exploding from fear.

"It's alright." Fox says across me.

"I know." I say, lying to him. Lying to myself.

I take a bite, immediately regretting it. It tasted so good... so damn good that it made me feel disgusted.

I take another, and the bathroom starts to look incredibly tempting.

How can this be so hard? I thought I could just start to eat normally, what was this?
This wasn't supposed to be so hard right?

Fifth bite is like pure bloody torture. The guilt felt as if it was eating me alive, I shouldn't eat this. I should be skinny. All this was for nothing? How can I give up like this? I was so close to my goal, so close. All it took was one night and I was giving that all up.

And for someone else. This was exactly why I started my weight loss journey, to keep myself in control and to have one thing that I could decide and control. I wasn't anything without it. I needed to be in control on something, since all my other life was a mess.

This was the one thing I controlled, nobody else. I was in control and I loved it. I love it.

My pain, starving, exhaustion, anxiety, depression, purging, being angry at everyone, swearing to never stop, hair falling, bones finally beginning to appear, periods stopping, nails turning blue, giving up the things I loved for this. All that. For me to give up for Fox?

"It's alright." He says as I glance up at him, unbelieving his words. His warm eyes try to assure me, but it was not alright, I am not alright. This wasn't what I want, I want to be skinny. Be in control. And he was making me fat again.

"I know." I mutter lying and flash a smile. I take quick bites, inhaling the food without even tasting.

I had one goal in my life that I had decided, and I would never stop until I found my way to it. No matter how hard it was, there was still no equal dream.

I needed to skinny, fragile, bones, sick. Because that was who I was, and it will forever be.

I liked Fox, like liked him. But he couldn't like like me if I didn't like myself. Or at least he shouldn't. I want to like myself before I let anyone really get close to me. Then nobody could ever distract me, or change my thinking style.

I wanted love from someone, but not before I was in control of my own mind. Nobody should make decisions for me, even if my body looked fragile my mind shall never be. I would rather be in grave alone than let someone control me.

Maybe starving was the only key for that. It made me feel in control. I want Fox, want to love him and let him love me but before it can happen, I want control.

Fox had already made me weaken my eating habits, my power of it. He made me believe I was good enough and I didn't need to starve, and that he'd like me whatever size I was.

He controls me. And I will never let anyone control me. I am not weak.

"I'm going to the bathroom." I mutter and Fox smiles at my empty plate. How much he couldn't know.

Purging was like an escape. With it, I could kind of just annul everything I had done. With it, nobody else but me was in control.

I don't intentionally enjoy it, sticking fingers down my throat and causing my body to feel sick. But it helps, I can't lie.

"Did you like the food?" Fox asks me in a happy tone when I come back.

"Yeah, it was okay." I lie, gulping down water to get the vomit taste from my mouth.

"I'm proud of you. And the eating will get easier over time, just gotta stay strong." He says and I nod, flashing a wicked smile. If only he knew...

"It'll get better." I say and Fox looks relieved.

"You can do this, I'll help you." He smiles and I smile back.

Only until 100 pounds.

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