✓ bizarre love triangle ; erwin smith

SEVENTEEN

No matter how many times I tried to convince myself it didn't matter anymore or how it didn't affect me—I was still lying through gritted teeth.

In reality, the truth that I have always attempted to deny and keep away from the naked eye, was more painfully clear to me now than ever.

I was holding back.

My stomach twisted into knots and my leg could barely stay still as my foot impatiently taps the soil beneath my feet.

In reality, I didn't like how Marie loved Erwin. It was plain and simple, and yet still something I frustratingly deny.

I hated it whenever she got too close to him or felt his skin with the tip of her fingertips. I didn't like how her eyes would worm towards him like he was her ticket to the brighter future I foolishly talked her into.

She was too close.

And I fucking hated it.

Selfishly, I wanted Erwin all too myself despite repeatedly pushing him away and to the one person I claim to love yet disdain at the very same time.

The burning sensation in my veins, pulsating through my points, feeling bugs crawl under my skin.

I felt all hot and irritated.

Was this how Erwin felt the night we all went out?

Was this what it truly felt like to be jealous?

It felt so incredibly stupid and ridiculous, and yet I couldn't deny how my heart pounded rapidly and how my jaw clenched unnecessarily.

Putting myself in Erwin's shoes, I've realized how utterly foolish I had been this entire time. That instead of grasping for my own straws of happiness, I had cascaded and spiraled down in madness instead.

"He's not here." Miche leaned down to whisper, brows knitted together.

My gaze hardened.

"I won't force him." I muttered bluntly, deciding this was my last chance for fate to make its way. "If he loves Marie now, then I'll let him go—which is more likely the scenario seeing as he isn't here yet despite being the top 1 of our batch."

"We don't know that." He assured me about Marie, which I thought was futile but still worth my gratitude.

We faced back towards the stage and listened briefly to Commander Shadis' words of encouraging cadets to join them, which wasn't in any form inspirational.

Some were already leaving the venue, muttering nonsense under their breaths while letting their shaking feet carry them away.

My shoes felt glued on the ground.

I wasn't leaving anytime sooner and Erwin's absence amplified that resolve, solidifying my stand into becoming a part of a suicidal regiment that anyone barely had any hopes for.

"Anyone who has no desire to be a part of this may feel free to leave." Commander Shadis' hardened voice shook everyone's bones as some were already moving to exit.

My lips thinned to a line as I felt no will in my muscle to move.

This was what I wanted.

I scanned the venue one last time to see if Erwin had arrived. I didn't see any signs of him nor Nile. Nile was pretty much hell-bent on joining the Military Police so his part wasn't very surprising.

I knew it from our time together just a few moments ago. He had tried to persuade me one last time to join him in the inner walls—saying how it was a waste of rank and opportunity to throw my life away for man-eating titans.