EndGame || Aaron Hotchner

Chapter 27 - Aaron

October 13th is Olivia's birthday. But it also the day her torture started. No wonder why she doesn't want to celebrate that day. That monster took it away from her. And unfortunately it is not the only thing he took... I have spent the last few days looking into this case and the more I read, the worst it gets.

I was enraged while reading the case's reports; it took 26 hours for Agent Rosaline Johnson to notify the squad that Olivia is missing.

I cried while reading her medical files; heart surgeries, pelvic floor reconstruction, mandibular fracture repairs, and so much physical therapy.

My stomach turned while reading her statements describing in detail what he'd done to her.

According to Andy, the bureau paid Olivia a lot of money not to sue.

"Did Dave buy you this house?" I ask, regretting it as soon as it leaves my mouth

"No, the FBI did when I almost died due to an overlook. You have no idea how much money I got in order not to sue them" she smirks.

In the deal, they gave her paid leave for 2 years, covered all her medical bills, including sessions she attended after those 2 years, and offered her early retirement with all benefits at 18 years of service, regardless of her age, if she decided to return.

"Your heart problems don't earn you any kind of benefits?" I wonder, "This is a genuine question"

"They do, but that's a discussion for another time"

"Alright", I leave it there.

So many signs. And they all just flew over my damn head. How?!

Looking at her, no one can even begin to imagine what she has gone through and what she has healed from. How did she have the strength come back from that? And why would she return to the bureau after so much trauma? That is why she is closed, that is why she is tough, that is why she doesn't want anyone ever looking down at her and intimidating her.

That day I found her panicking in the office, I realized just how quickly happy days can turn into the worst ones. Olivia woke up smiling by my side that morning, then she had two panic attacks by nighttime. I convinced her to visit her cardiologist that afternoon because I was really worried, and she gave her two weeks of medical leave, ordering her to rest.

She has been staying at my place ever since just to be safe. I called a friend of mine that works in security to install cameras and alarms all over her house. I am not letting her leave until everything is set there. But she doesn't seem eager to get out these days anyway.

It has been a week and she's barely left the bed. There are moments that I sit and watch her, wondering if her sleeping all day on her birthday a few days ago was true or she was intentionally trying to avoid getting out of bed on the day her life came upside down. I'm thankful that we were able to have a quiet afternoon that day, just like she wanted and chose to. She looked good then, and I wish I knew about the battles going on in her mind during those moments.

Either way, I'm glad she trusted me enough to reveal everything, even now. She cried so much while telling me, and her emotions have been all over the place since. One moment she is silent, the other she is crying again. She doesn't talk much and not knowing what she's thinking scares me more than the crying. She eats a little but ends up throwing up a few hours later. I don't leave her out of my sight. I am barely even sleeping. I am trying to take care of her, be there for her, but I don't know what I am supposed to do anymore. 

Today, and against my better judgement, I went to work. I couldn't use any more vacation days, the team had been working alone for the passed 4 days, paperwork -for both of us- was piling up and I needed some air -I feel awful for saying that, but it's the truth.

She texted me every hour, she replied to every single one of my messages, so I wasn't too worried leaving her alone for longer than I originally intended. And when I got back almost 12 hours later, she was still crawled up in bed. Watching her in this condition and not being able to help her is driving me crazy.

"Did you eat something?" is the first thing I ask. There is no reason to ask how she's feeling.

"I tried some of the meals you left for me in the fridge. I didn't finish it but I haven't thrown up" she whispers

"That's good" I reply, almost relieved. At least, she is trying to get better.

I approach her and sit besides her. I rest my hand on her knee over the covers. I rub her softly, "You are doing great".

She closes her eyes and her lower lip shakes. "I had another nightmare" a sob escapes her lip in the end

"And it just that, a nightmare. It was not real" I remind her.

"Can you not-- Can you take take hand for a moment, please?" she asks.

I nod and stop touching her completely. One step forward, two steps back.

"Do you want me to sleep on the couch again?" I ask, trying to mask the exhaustion in my voice.

"I'm sorry..."

"No, it's fine", I sigh and stand up.

I begin to take my jacket and tie off.

"I'm trying, Aaron" she says

"I know"

"It doesn't sound like it" she notices

"Alright, how do you want me to say it? Please, Olivia, tell me" I snap, "This is probably the most you've talked to me in 5 days, so talk! Tell me what you want? Tell me what to do! Because I'm getting frustrated too!" I beg

She flinches and my heart breaks. I run my palm over my face and I take a deep breath. "I'm sorry" I lower my voice, "I'm sorry. I am not blaming you, Liv. I'm desperate and I'm tired--"

"I... I... I..." she rolls her eyes, "Imagine how I feel!"

"Then just tell me how I can help you"

"I don't know how you can help me! I don't know what I need. I don't know what will make me feel better. I'm trying to grasp onto something but it always feels like I'm going one step forward but two steps back. I just want to forget about all this. I don't want to remember him. I don't want to feel this way. Can you do that? Can you make it stop somehow?" she cries.

I stay silent.

She nods and gets out of bed. But she isn't headed for the bathroom, and grabs her duffle bag instead. "Where are you going?" I ask

"You can have your bed back" she answers

"Olivia, I didn't mean to snap like that. I'm sorry".

She stops and nods. "Is that the only thing you're sorry for?"

"What do you mean?"

"Andy called me today to check on me. She said that you looked into my files. You took the case files, my medical records, my statements. Did you like reading all that? Did you take a good look at my history? Did you make my profile, Mr. Profiler?"

"I was trying to understand--"

"You can't understand!" she snaps. "You can't understand, Aaron. And getting in those files was a huge violation of my privacy".

She grabs her bag and heads for the door. I reach to grab her arm, but I stop myself at the last second before touching her. "You shouldn't go home" I remind her

"Screw you" she curses under her breath as she walks passed me. Fuck!