Eighteen Years Later

Chapter 20 - Old Habits

Thank you for over 9k reads like wtf ❤️

This chapter was recommended by @arielise7284 and it focuses more on Charlie than the kids for a change

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING!! This chapter contains mentions of self harm/ eating disorders/OCD and other triggering subjects. ⚠️

Charlie POV

I never thought I'd feel like this again. I thought I was getting better and that this was never going to happen again. It's that throbbing and strained feeling of pure despair and self depression. But also the constant anxiety running laps around my head as if it's taunting my every move.

It's been a couple weeks since Alec and Sophia got together and a week since the boys had their bonding day.

Everything is all better in our family, there aren't any more fights, everything is running smoothly. So why do I still feel like crap?

The kinda annoying thing about these thoughts is that I have all the time in the world to be thinking them. Nick took one look at me this morning and decided we would have a kid free day today and got the kids ready and quickly dropped them off at his mum's house. I guess he's gotten good at reading me over all these years.

Leaving me home alone for a while as he drops them off. Its about a 30 minute drive to the town Sarah now lives in so I'll be home alone for about an hour.

That entire time they have been gone I've done nothing productive. I've sat watching shit television in bed for the last hour and a half. For my meal plans I should have eaten by now but the thought of touching food right now is enough to make me vomit.

I feel rotten and hollow inside out. Just plain numb. That no matter what I do, I'll just stay in this horrible state of mind that has consumed me for far too many years. My teenage years were robbed by my own mind.

This feeling is almost nostalgic in a sick twisted way.

I've pondered this thought for far too long so I decide to have food but not let my brain realize I'm about to have food. My stomach is the only part of my being that likes the idea of food right now.

I drag my feet down to the kitchen and open the cupboards and I soon see that they look so unorganized and it almost scares me. They aren't in size order or color order or alphabetical order.

I turn around and look out to our open plan lounge and dining room section and it all looks so disorganized and it's messing with my mind, oh god. I haven't felt like this since university.

That was the last time I had a major OCD crisis. I still have occasional OCD flares but I can tell this is bigger. I hate myself for letting the house get this bad and start clawing at my wrists and scratching my arm scars aggressively, another habit that has come back.

Without another thought I force my hands into fists at my sides and run upstairs with welling tears in my eyes, I feel dirty.

My brain seems to be moving me on its own. My raging thoughts are too much and before I realize it, I've gotten into the shower and turned it blazing hot. The hot water runs over me and feels like it's burning my skin. The steam fogs my face and I'm glad it does so I can't see my own body.

I scrub myself in soap so hard the soap bar leaves red lines along my body. It's like nothing I can do will shake this feeling that I'm dirty and not right.

I shampoo my hair exactly three times, I condition my hair exactly three times, I lather myself in body wash three times, I rinse my hair under the water for 30 second intervals. Everything must have the number 3. I don't know why, it just must.