Her Vice

(15): Fragile Love.

"Baby, baby, baby!" I danced around with Sasha as she giggled and grinned. I fell down with her on the ground as we ripped open our fruit snacks.

"Can you do this?" She threw it up and caught it in her mouth.
I gasped and tried, failing. "No! That's not how you do it, see I show you." She did it again and it fell on her chin. I grabbed it and threw it for her letting her catch it. "Aye!" She smiled.
"Daddy showed me how to do it." She sat up letting her messy hair fall in her face.
"Oh did he, now?" She nodded and looked up as Rakim entered the room.
"What my two girls doing?"
"Chillin'." I tickled Sasha making her run from me.
"Well it's getting that time baby girl," she pouted and wrapped her arms tightly around my neck. Rubbing her back and kissing her cheek I let her go. "Night daddy!" She hugged Rakim and kissed his forehead before running off to her room.

"You're such a party pooper, it's only 8:30," he shook his head, chuckling as I poured myself lemonade.
"Well, she'll be burned out if she doesn't go to sleep now."
"She's young. She can always sleep in," I shrugged.
"Nah she cool."
"Strict parent Rakim." I teased and he shook his head. "I'm fucking with you, how you've been homie?" I punched him in the arm and made myself comfortable on his couch.
"Just living ya know, I know what you've been up to." He lifted his eyebrows and glanced over at me.
"Shut up! I'm just trying to make shit happen for me, y'know. It's so weird being here," I sighed and ran a hand down my face. I knew I needed to be honest with him no matter how terribly I felt it would turn out. He needed to know because he deserved to know. Something this big couldn't just be kept from him. "Uhm Rakim." I began and he furrowed his eyebrows.
"I already know that tone of voice, what's up?"
"I don't really know how to tell you," I began feeling the tears welt in my eyes. "I appreciate you so much, I don't think you'll ever quite know. The things you've done for Sasha when I wasn't in the right state of mind for a child, being selfish- I truly appreciate it."
"Of course, that's my baby." He grinned with a hunch of his shoulders.
"But it's not," I mumbled.
"What?" He chuckled.
"Sasha. Isn't your baby," I glanced up at him before sighing.
"What you mean? That girl look just like me, ain't no way in hell that ain't my child. How? Like what the fuck," he scoffed. "Who is then?" I bit my lip.
"Lance."
"You talking about that-" he held his head and rocked himself slowly.
"Rakim, I'm so sorry. I didn't want it to go down the way it did, I was young and it wasn't even me, Rakim you know that better than anybody. I-I," I began sobbing before he brought me into him tightly. Kissing the top of my head.

"Don't ever fucking apologize, yo. It's not even ya fault. I just wish I knew way before now but this bit of information isn't going to stop me from raising Sasha like she's mine because she is. That's my baby and always be, you too wit ya crybaby ass." He chuckled and I smiled into his chest.

"I legit love you, kid." I squeezed his torso tighter.
"I love you too little mama," he kissed my cheek.
"Alright now stop kissing on me 'fore shit go left," I pushed him away.
"Okay, okay." He grinned and I got up. "Where you going?" I ignored him and went to Sasha's room. She was sitting up with her teddy bear and humming. She smiled over at me when she noticed I walked in.

I lifted her out of bed and went to the living room, "Trinity." Rakim glared at me.
"Oh shush, it's fine." He shook his head as I found a movie for us to watch.

***

"Wanna make ya own pizza tonight, babe?" I asked Sasha as I grabbed milk and other things the house was in need of.
"Ooh yes please!" She exclaimed while clapping her small hands. I smiled small and went to find the ingredients we'd need.
"She's adorable," I opened my mouth to say thank you until I turned to who it was. I grew nauseous and my head began feeling light. "What a pleasant surprise," He smirked. I swear it took everything in me not to smack him.
"Can you just leave..." I glanced around at people passing in hopes of someone's sympathy.
"Who's this mommy?" Sasha innocently asked, tilting her head with wide eyes.
"Your daddy," she furrowed her eyebrows.
"No," she mumbled and I shoved him away.
"You need to go now, I swear I'll fucking scream." I gritted trying my hardest for Sasha not to hear.
"Why? I mean I'm actually hurt that you'd lie to my child about who her father is," he held his heart with a light scoff.
"Oh really? You didn't even want her."
"And you do?" My face went blank and he smiled.
"Nice seeing you around, darling." He roughly grabbed the back of my head to kiss my forehead.
"And if you think running is going to stop me from finding you think again, you'll be mine real soon, love. Real soon." He pushed me away making me back into the freezer. Tapping Sasha's cheek lightly with a wicked grin, "Bye to you sweetheart." She waved bash fully. Sighing shakily I pushed the cart forward and went along with my grocery haul.

"Mommy, I take a bath?" Sasha asked while helping me sit the bags on the counters.
"Yeah, hold on. How about you play for awhile and we'll get you leaned up after." She nodded and ran off to her room. Running my fingers through my hair and sighing, going out to the deck with my pack. I fiddled with the sealed wrapping before timidly tearing at it. Holding the poison between my fingers and looking off the balcony at the afternoon view, finding my lighter before lighting it. Taking in a long drag to the lung I felt my body unfold itself.

After what seemed like a few minutes and I was a little unwinded the screen door pushed open, my cigarette was snatched from me and thrown over the ledge. "What you smokin for? You know how I feel about that around Sasha," Rakim scolded.
"She's not even your daughter!" His face grew red.
"So you're going to pull that one on me every time, huh?" I clenched my jaw and glanced down. "She told me what happened." He sat beside me, scooting the chair towards me. "That he hurt you." I scoffed as tears welted in my eyes.

"It wasn't that big of a deal." I fiddled with my lighter.

"Maybe not to you, but her it's everything. You're her mother, Trinity, I really wish you'd start acting like it."

"How?" I chuckled. "How in the hell am
I suppose to show love and affection to someone that I only get overwhelmed and hurt by, every time I look at her all I see is Lance! How can I j-" I screamed into my palms. "I'm not fit for this, I'm really not." Tears glided down the bridge of my nose and I glanced up at him. He looked at me in disgust.

"Then don't be, just walk out on her. Don't come aroupnd no more, Trinity. If all you gon do is hurt her. Fuck out of here!" He threw the chair as he walked back inside.

Rakim in multimedia.