DIRT: the grunge diaries (𝒱𝒾𝒸𝓉𝑜𝓇𝒾𝒶'𝓈 𝓋𝑒𝓇𝓈𝒾𝑜𝓃)

entry #166 - last second save

'I see you've made yourself comfortable with Jennifer'. Sean speaks, as he takes a seat right next to me me, when he understands that I ain't gonna stand up from my stool and let him have it in exchange for his lap. In my girlfriend fantasies, I would've been sitting on his lap, toying with his hair, kissing his lips, stealing his Budweiser hat and flirting up a storm with him. But in my reality of being in a sandwich between him and his ex who still loves him... I'm just having to hear him tell his ex girlfriend that he's surprised to have walked into her and I having a girly chat. I honestly don't think that Sean knows that Jessica and I are friends, I think that he believes I befriended her while getting breakfast, because it's common knowledge that I make new friends wherever I go... it's not like the case, babe, but thank you so much for having just introduced me to your past sweetheart by the wrong name. But also thank you for not having said 'my girlfriend Jennifer' like you always do whenever you introduce me to someone.

'It's Tori, silly... and I already know her from Seattle. We're good friends'. Jessica answers, and when I can hear her call my silly fucking man 'silly', I have to hold my breath in order not to throw up all over the breakfast table. I would've never wanted to say this... but I don't think I will call Sean 'silly' ever again in this life. I call him like that even mid coitus at times, I think it suits him and his silly personality, he loves it, he says that the way I say the 's' in it turns him on... but heck, I'm never gonna do it again. I'm gonna call him Sean and that's it. And he won't complain, because he says he loves the way I say his name anyways. I wish I could say the same about the way he says my name... but he calls me either Jennifer or Cherry, and I've almost forgotten how my actual name sounds like in his voice. We should bring it back, that's for sure, because it's been a while since he last did the damn thing. And we should bring our asses away from Jessica... because she just noticed that Sean's hand is on my thigh, and she's trying to grab his other hand in hers to make up for the... disappointment, I think. Eeeeek. Here begins the real shitstorm ... the real question here is if I'll be able to withstand it. Finger crossed that Sean doesn't get too obvious about the fact that we're together ... because this girl just ain't ready to find it out.

'Brother, damn... choose which one you wanna fuck, I'll take the other one in a heartbeat'. Starr chimes in from behind Sean's shoulder, like the spooky, fucking horny demon that he is. He's laughing his ass off, scratching his crotch and undressing Jessica and I under his stare... but none of the three of us is having any of his comment on how he'd gladly get his filthy paws on any of Sean's leftovers. Ew. Jessica is too busy to care, as she's frowning because Sean's just patted the back of her hand and pulled back his own, signalling he ain't feeling like holding hands with her at all. I'm too busy swallowing down the pukes triggered by Mike's comment and Jessica's clingy demeanour. Sean is just ... frowning and wishing he was someplace else. That, while his hand is still on my thigh, and he's literally squeezing it from under the table. He's lowkey hurting me, but at least Jessica now can't see that he's touching me... and that's all that matters.

'Papa! Squawk!' Cock Soup emerges from under the bottom hem of my Alice in Chains T-shirt, and as his usual, he goes flying well above daddy's shoulder and begins to beak the silver hoops in his earlobes. Daddy gives him a smooch, baby reciprocates it, and I about melt inside and scream, because I always love to see my boys being so affectionate. I live for moments like this one, but this one in particular I can't appreciate fully, because it's happening in front of a woman who's still in love with daddy McKinney... and I ewwww. I have to hold my stomach up, in order not to think about the fact that she must've called him 'daddy' in bed, at some point. I have to pray that she won't ask me why my bird (I mean, my son) has just called Sean 'papa', because I just I can't tell her that we are a family, and that Sean was the one to sit Cock Soup on his knee and teach him to say 'papa'. She wouldn't understand... she would hate me for the rest of her life for this... she would hate my baby too... I will have to justify us by saying that he's just a bird who says random words in random moments, and that would mean belittling his intelligence and his feelings... ughhhh.