No Way Home ✓

1. A Deer in the Headlights

I changed my mind when I was already halfway through it.

I didn't want to die.

I don't know what it was, whether a divine light suddenly shone upon me for a fleeting moment, showed me a glimpse of some bright future at the end of the tunnel, or if the cold wind just slapped me sober--all I know is, I didn't want to jump.

Even in my drunkenness, I distinctly remember, a part of me wanted to live.

No, said a voice in my head. Don't do it. Don't don't don't don't don't--

I won't, I told her.

I steadied myself, arms wrapped around the railings. The cold metal stung my skin. Far below, the river roared away, dark and depthless in the night.

My phone rang, cutting sharply through the silence. It was mom. I can still remember her voice.

"Yeah, I'm doing great," I said, trying not to get my words slurred togther. "Hey, can I call you back later? I'm out with some friends." It certainly sounded better than telling her I'm piss drunk and thinking of throwing myself off a bridge.

"Sure, honey," she said.

Then a pause before hanging up. "Reagan?"

"Yes, mom?"

"I love you. Stay safe."

I struggled to manoeuvre myself over the rails, suddenly eager for the feeling of solid earth under my feet. My arms and legs were like lead, my head spinning. This was a bad idea. But when I stumbled out of that bar, it didn't seem like it. I wandered and wandered, until I didn't know where I was. I didn't think it could get any worse.

Until it did.

A pair of headlights blinded me while I was still perched on the rails, trying to get to safe ground once again. A car blared past, horn blasting in my ears. Somewhere I heard a familiar voice, screaming. My hand slipped.

I watched the stars all the way down.

Then, a rushing of cold water, tossing me around.

Then, nothing.