Fragile

19. Hotel

"Right." I mutter and we climb up the huge stairs, completely covered in red floor mat. The balusters were golden, making the whole room look fancy and elegant. This hotel had to be one of the finest around.

"How big is this?" Fox asks as we continue to walk up the stairs but the numbers don't match our keys.

"Way too big." I sigh, feeling a wave of dizziness pass through me when we reach the fourth floor. I was out of breath already and stop walking for a while to catch my breath. "Why didn't we just take the elevator?"

"We're dumb." Fox says, then notices me being bended double. "You alright?"

"Yeah, just need to sit down for a minute." I say and literally collapse to the red floor mat under me.

"Have you eaten today?" Fox asks worriedly, coming next to me.

I consider lying, but it would be useless. I'd never get many floors up here if I don't eat. I was way too fragile right now.

"No." I sigh.

Fox doesn't even bother to accuse me for starving again. He only sighs, like he lost something and pulls a chocolate bar from his black backpack.

"Eat." He demands and opens the wrapper for me, like I were five.

I take it from him, taking a shaky bite from the Snickers bar. It tasted good, that was the problem. I hate how good it tastes, how hungry it makes me.

"I don't want it." I say after two bites. How was I supposed to keep control otherwise?

"Eat it." This time Fox wasn't requesting, he just sounded worried sick. I hate making people worry about me, so I keep the chocolate to myself and force myself to take another bite.

Finishing the fatty thing felt like a new kind of torture method, it was so good that it felt so bad. Throw it up. The voice in my head kept telling me which only added flames to my quilt.

"Done." I mutter, standing up from the ground. My legs felt a lot better, not too fragile anymore. Energy levels were normal again, but my fatness felt double.

"Good." Fox says and we take more stairs up, him walking right besides me the whole time, probably to catch me if I fell. We walk in silence for a moment before Fox opens his mouth again: "Liv, I'm worried about you."

"Why?" I ask, knowing the answer but playing dumb.

"You know why. You aren't getting better." Fox says and glances at my body, frowning.

"Yes I am? I just ate the whole chocolate bar?" I defend myself. But it was only till I reach 100 pounds, nothing less. Just a hundred. The quilt was insane when I hadn't been able to get my weight down to the hundred last week, I had done so much and still failed. There was only one solution for that, eat even less.

"I think you might have a serious illness, Liv." Fox says quietly and I stop on my tracks to look at him.

"What?" I ask, even though I clearly heard what he said.

"I just want to help, but I don't know what to do!" Fox looks deeply into my eyes and I feel a wave of sudden sadness pass through me.

"I'm fine." I mutter.

"No you're not. Why can't you see it?" He asks in a sad tone.

"I will stop soon, it's under control okay?" I ask, not willing to give in.

"Listen to yourself, you said the same like a month ago but still aren't getting any better!" I can feel the pain in his voice, but not quite understand it. Why would he be sad that I looked better every day?

"But I'm not thin enough yet?" I say, truthfully speaking.

"What do you mean? You look sick skinny..." Fox whispers.

I almost say thank you before stopping myself. That was such a compliment to give and I couldn't be more happy! "I'm fine." I say, trying to contain my normal expression without showing my excitement.

"You need help." Fox whispers.

"No!" I shake my head quickly. "Alright I'll stop." I make an empty promise.

"We both know that that's not true. You need to tell your mom and get help." Fox says seriously, not buying my lies anymore.

"Absolutely not. I'd rather die than tell her." I shrug. "This is nothing serious!"

"This indeed is serious! I can't just watch you starving to death, I don't want to lose you!" Fox's eyes beg me.

"You won't, I promise." I say looking deep into his eyes. He was just being dramatic. "I can stop whenever I want to, but I want to reach my goal before that."

"Well your goal is way too low then, and I won't let you do that to yourself. I have to tell someone if you can't get better, I'm sorry Liv but I just want what's best for you." Fox says and makes me furious.

"Don't you dare to tell anyone! Please Fox, I'll get help. I can talk to my mom after this trip!" I beg him, taking his hand in mine to reassure.

"I'm just worried about you. I can't lose you for this." He whispers and my heart makes a funny twist, something like pain and regret.

What I meant to say was 'I won't be going anywhere, don't worry I'll be fine' but the only thing that came out was "I'm sorry." as a whisper. I step closer and wrap my arms around him, him doing the same.

"Promise you'll get help?" He muffles into my hair.

"I promise." I say against his shoulder. Maybe it was time to get better...? For the first time, I actually considered what life could be without this burden. "So you would still like me if I was fat again?" I ask, kinda embarrassed of my question.

"You were never fat." He says and strokes my hair gently.

"But would you?" I ask.

"Always." He answers finally, making me smile.

A small light inside me wanted to consider the offer, of being happy again. Because I certainly wasn't happy this way either, skinny or not. I was happy before, until I started to fall into this. Good thing that I could stop this starving and losing weight circle whenever I wanted to, but I don't think that it is yet.

Just till 100, then I'll stop.

——————————————————

Words: 1788