Forget-me-not

Seungmin

Cynthia was everywhere all at once. The ghost of her made her presence known daily. Perhaps, it was just Seungmin clinging onto the remnants of her. She wasn't dead, but it sure felt like it. How were you supposed to survive the heartbreak of the person you love forgetting you? 

When you get into a romantic relationship with someone, they never warn you about the horrors that may unveil. There is no guide on how to move on fully. Everyone's lives are different and grief looks different for everyone. Some people fall into denial and others slip right into anger. Some are suffocated by sadness and some get down on their knees and beg someone out there to take it back. 

Hurt me and not them. Destroy me and let them alone. I would walk through hell to keep the person I love alive. I'd die a thousand times as long as I knew they were safe. You can plead and beg and scream and cry, but sometimes the higher powers seem busy with more pressing matters. A single mortal's grief is a tale as old as time. 

Once it happens, it cannot be undone. Acceptance is the hardest and most important pill to swallow. Accept that your life will be changed forever, but at what cost? It's at the cost of everything sometimes; all that you are and all that you have. 

Seungmin confided in Cynthia like she was his god. He offered her words of affirmations and offerings in the form of gummy worms and peach rings. He swaddled her in their oversized peach colored fuzzy blanket and tugged her close every evening. He could do anything with her by his side and now she had been ripped from him. 

Flora did what she promised the other day. She began sending updates to Seungmin. They were all vague, but he understood it perfectly. There was no Kim Seungmin in Cynthia Jones' brain anymore. Every memory, every shared moment, every kiss was now one sided. And the worst part? There was never any comfort anywhere. 

He saw the color of her eyes in the eyeshadow palettes the stylists used at his job. He smelled her in Hyunjin. He should have never allowed Hyunjin to give Cynthia hair product advice. He found her gentleness and sensitivity in Felix. Her fashion was in I.N and recently all the advice she had ever given him sounded like she was speaking through Lee Know. 

There were bits of her scattered everywhere. Each one and each memory was another dagger to his heart. His heart was bleeding every day and he didn't know how to stop it. His life was spiraling out of control. 

The day before, he nearly broke down when a police officer showed up at the JYP building to speak to him about the sasaengs that slammed into Cynthia's car. Apparently, they attempted to talk to Cynthia, but she was so clueless and frazzled that Flora sent them Seungmin's way. Instead of the officers calling his number, they showed up at his workplace. 

The holidays had come and gone. Everyone came back from their family's houses. Seungmin went home for a few days, but it didn't feel the same without Cynthia. He spent time with his parents and older sister, but all he could focus on was the empty spot beside him at the table. The warmth of Cynthia's thigh wasn't up against his. 

He was falling apart. He kept pretending like it didn't matter, but everything was unraveling and spiraling out of control. Yesterday, a few fans caught him outside with Changbin. The two were quickly swarmed and all the fans could do was ask about Cynthia. They didn't seem to be malicious, they were worried. 

He couldn't get his mouth to move. His lips wouldn't form the words. Changbin was the one that wrapped an arm around him and told everyone Cynthia was in the process of healing. When he pulled Seungmin into the safety of the JYP building and into the dance practice room for rehearsal, Seungmin collapsed in front of the members and sobbed. 

The darkened colors of grief and loneliness swarmed together. The planets were once aligned perfectly, but now they were out of orbit. This grief, this pain, and the fear of being forgotten forever; it was bigger than him. The human body was only meant for so much. We were never meant for this much sadness. 

Greek mythology says long ago humans used to be connected to each other. Instead of a single person, humans were merged together as two. Four arms, four legs, and two heads. Zeus feared their power and split them apart. Ever since, humans have been forced to wander around attempting to find their other half. The humans searching for each other became filled with loneliness. They stopped eating and fell into bouts of depression. 

There was no Greek myth that explained what was supposed to happen when you found your soulmate and then lost them again. You built a home together and it crumbled. Your love came and then drifted away like the dying petals of flowers. It was bright and beautiful and then it shriveled up and fell apart. Even the best things have the potential to fade away. 

One-sided love was rotten and bitter. You took a bite of Eve's apple expecting salvation only to be left with a mouthful of worms. You give and you give and then you realize it was all for nothing. The trust, the vulnerability, the love; all for nothing. 

Seungmin stared at the shell of himself in the bathroom mirror. The brown eye bags faded to purple. He couldn't remember the last time he had a full meal or washed his hair. His memories recently were too busy being taken up by Cynthia. As he studied himself, he came to a single heart-shattering realization. 

The thirty day hiatus that the management team agreed upon just might not be enough.