Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain | Ryan || Yellowstone

Chapter 6

The same nightmare woke me up again. I frantically tore off my shirt and wiped off my forehead, mistaking the feeling of sweat to be blood.

As much as I hated Fred, as much as he was a bully, he was now in the grave etched into my heart. Another one of the deaths that I was to carry with me.

The sun's rays still hadn't risen over the tree line, but I was already at the stables.

I made to walk right past that damned horse- But he snorted at me as soon as I passed him.

I turned back and stared at the white horse sticking its head over the stall doors. It was unnerving how he looked into my eyes... as if he understood who I was and what he meant to me.

I tried to take a step back to leave, to not have to ever look at that horse again.

But before I knew it I was throwing hay into its stall and getting ready to wash him.

As I brushed him I found myself talking to him as if he could hold a conversation with me.

"You are beautiful," I sighed. "And you look a thousand times better than my old horse... But I don't think I can ride you. I don't deserve you."

The horse snorted again.

I moved to look at his face. "If you can understand me snort again."

The horse only stared at me.

"Huh." I moved to groom his mane. "It was worth a shot."

"It's a nice horse, but it ain't a talking horse."

I sighed and turned to the stall door.

Ryan gave me a small smile and leaned his elbows on the half-stall door. 

"You're up early," I said and went back to brushing.

"So are you."

I looked back at him, a hand on the horse's neck.

His beard was slightly longer than it was five years ago. His shoulders were somehow broader if that were possible. 

But his eyes were still that bright blue-gray, and his smile was still infectious. 

I shook my head.

"So are you gonna actually ride him or just keep brushing his mane?"

I stared at him, longer than I'd allowed myself to these past weeks.

He nodded to where the saddles were mounted. "I got you a saddle, too."

Ryan retrieved it, then came back to put it on the horse. I smiled slightly as I saw it. It was a light tan leather with simple turquoise details. It looked beautiful on the horse.

I watched Ryan saddle the horse, his hands moving with ease and precision as he did so.

When he finished, he stood up from the other side of the horse and looked at me.

"You always liked this saddle, didn't you?"

I nodded.

"And you always wanted a white horse?"

"Since I was a little girl," I said quietly.

"So what'll you name it?"

I shook my head and looked down at the straps of the saddle, fixing things that didn't need fixing to keep me busy.

"I can't accept this, Ryan."

"'Course you can."

"No, I can't"

Ryan walked around the horse and stood in front of me. "Why'd you ride that horse for all those years, Cassandra?"

He stood close to me, and I had to force myself to look up at him.

"I had Harley for ten years, Ryan-"

"That's not answering my question. Yeah, you had him for a long time, but why bother in the first place? He was a terrible horse. And you're one of the best fucking cowboys I've worked with and still, you couldn't whip him into a good horse. You deserve a fine horse-"

"Deserve," I said and shook my head as I looked at him. "That's the word. Deserve."

"What do you mean Cassie- Cassandra... I'm sorry." He shook his head and looked down.

My heart broke as Ryan looked back at me. His eyes were full of sorrow, his face contorted in pain.

"I don't deserve it," I whispered, my voice cracking.

His brows furrowed as he shook his head. "What do you mean, Cassandra? Of course, you deserve-"

I took a step back as I realized how close we had gotten. 

"I left, Ryan, so that you would forget the words you said to me five years ago," I said as I leaned against the stall door.

He shook his head and put his hands on his hips. "What does that mean-"

I took a deep breath in. "I left so you would forget what you felt, so that you could move on."

Ryan took his hat off and ran a hand through his hair, then sighed and put his hat back on. "Cassandra, I-"

"No, listen to me-"

"No, you listen to me!" Ryan took a step forward. "Stop cuttin' me off and listen, Cassandra!"

I kept my mouth shut.

"I've known you fifteen years. Fifteen years. We used to be so close, Cassandra, what the hell happened?"

"I told you, I left because of what you said-"

"No, you pulled away long before that. Before I said-"

"Don't say it, Ryan."

"Why? Why not, Cassandra?" His voice broke as he said my name and I felt tears form in my eyes.

"Because I don't deserve those words."

"What can I do to make you realize that you deserve every damn thing in this world?"

"If you really knew me you'd take that back."

"I do know you. For fifteen years we've lived the same life, we've seen each other every day, hell we've fucking experienced so much life together, I can't think about my past without seeing you in every memory.

Those words struck me like a sledgehammer to the head. I didn't know what to say, I didn't know how to explain to him that the memories he had of me weren't really me, but a version of me he had made up.

"Just think of the horse as a welcome home gift. Forget it was even from me." Ryan said, shaking me out of my thoughts.

"I won't forget it was from you," I said in a whisper, my voice unable to be steady as much as I wished it to be.

Ryan took the reigns and handed them to me. "Go on a ride, Cassandra. Come back with a name for him."

I tentatively took the reigns and Ryan moved so I could mount the horse.

He smiled at me as I did so, and opened the stall door for me. 

I sighed as I sat in the saddle. The horse hadn't even moved yet, but I could feel the power in his muscles. 

I looked at Ryan. He looked up at me with that stupid fucking look that wouldn't leave me alone, even after going hundreds of miles away just to forget it. 

My lip quivered as I tried to smile. "Thank you," I whispered and tried to keep the tears away.

His smile only grew.