Love Letters to the Dead (Emison)

Letter #5

Dear Ali,

Do you still think of me? I'm starting to think you probably have moved on. You're beautiful, you can easily move on. I'm still in love with you. I've decided to go out with Samara. To help me move on. You were my first love Ali, and Samara can never change that. You will still forever be in my heart.

Do you remember the first time we did it? It was just like in the movies, it was magical and otherworldly experience. Unlike the movies, there wasn't an issue of protection or pregnancy and I think that put us both at ease. I gave my virginity to you. You'd been with plenty of guys before in bed but I think I was your first girl. At least, I hope I was. I want that day to be as special to you as it is to me but I don't think that's possible.

I think I need to tell you something. I can only hope you're out there looking at this very letter because I need you to know. I was going to ask you to marry me. All those flirtatious comments we both made about getting married in Paris seemed like a reality to me. It was my dream, my goal in life almost. You and me in sweet Paris. Forever. So 3 years after we graduated I bought a ring and prepared to propose to you. I was so sure that what we had was real love. It had to be. Otherwise I have nothing left. It was a gold banded ring with the word "forever" engraved into it. I had a proposal planned out. I was going to take you out to that Italian restaurant that you loved and I was going to get down on one knee and ask you to marry me. That day never came. I stored the ring in a small locked cabinet of mine that you didn't know about. I was going to prepare in one months time but a week before I did you came home to me in tears. You said those words that I can never forget, your voice was raspy and tired and I thought you were going to give up. Give up on me, give up on us, give up on life. "Emily... I have stage 4 terminal cancer."

I don't think I can ever forget how vulnerable you sounded in that instant. The great Alison DiLaurentis didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say either. I was so hooked up on the fact that I was going to propose to you and we were going to have a life together, it never occurred to me that something was going to tear us apart. I broke down and cried as I got into the car to visit you at the hospital.

That cancer was a bitch. It ruined our love life. It ruined everything. I thought we had a future together, I thought wrong. So I hid the ring. Maybe I didn't want to marry you since I knew our relationship was doomed. Maybe I didn't want to form an attachment to a corpse. Too late for that. I loved you and in my heart, you may as well have been my wife.

For most people, Christmas is a time of joy and happiness. Not that year it wasn't. For us, it was heartbreak and envy for the things we couldn't have. I remember looking outside the hospital window and seeing couples walk by, enjoying the snow. Then I looked at you, dressed in all white and the way the light struck the hospital room it made it look like you were lying on a bed of snow. My little angel.

I still have the ring. I've kept it hidden for months but I think I might use it.

I'm not angry at you anymore.

I love you too much.

I don't think I was ever angry at you.

I just didn't know how to cope.

I was angry at myself.

I remember the day you died quite clearly. You were dressed up like an angel and I remember listening to the steady heartbeat through the monitor and I wanted that heartbeat to be next to mine forever. Then it went flat. In that instant, there was no Emily and Alison, there was no us, and for you at least, there was no future. Just that thought brings about a cascade of tears even today.

For a while I grieved my loss and your death. But then that grief turned to anger as I blamed you for leaving me behind in this cruel world. I'm sorry for blaming you. I'm so sorry. But I think it was misplaced anger. I was angry at myself. Angry at myself for letting you leave.

Because that day- the day you died- I remember you looked awfully pale. I think deep down inside, I knew that day was to be the last for you. I saw the pain in your eyes and after planting a kiss on your cheek I whispered, "It's okay Ali. I know you're in a lot of pain. I love you Alison Lauren DiLaurentis. And I hope you pull through for me. But Ali, it's okay. It's okay if it's too hard. I fucking love you so much. But Ali, it's okay. Sometimes you just can't take it. It's okay to let go Ali."

I could've sworn you whispered back, "Thank you Em," before you fell deeper into the hospital bed and the machine went flat.

~Emily

20/12/13

A/N: *Wipes a tear from cheek* Don't forget to vote, comment and share! Means a lot to me! Love you all!