Life Will Out

2

A gentle breeze brushes against my flushed cheeks, bringing me back to the present. My knees ache from the awkward position I've been in. Blinking my eyes open, I realize I'm still perched on the kitchen counter, where I must have been for hours. Panic flutters in my chest. 'Did anyone come in while I was out?' I wonder, my thoughts clouded by the remnants of the high. In my drug-induced daze, I can't remember if anyone saw me like this. Pushing off from the counter, I drop to my feet, scanning the kitchen. Everything looks untouched. I walk into the living room and there's Derek, casually sipping a Pepsi."Derek!" I exclaim, more enthusiastic than I feel, rushing in for a hug. He stands up, enveloping me in a warm embrace, his hand gently stroking my hair. "Amy," he says, his voice lighter than usual."What are you doing home? Don't you have class tomorrow?" I ask, trying to sound casual."I do, but I came to pick something up and noticed you in the kitchen," he replies, his eyes meeting mine."What do you think you saw?" I ask, a hint of defensiveness creeping into my voice. He hesitates. "I thought maybe meditation at first, but then it looked more like one of your naps." Embarrassment floods through me, and I push him away, turning my back to him. After a moment, I face him again, my thoughts somewhat gathered. "Derek, don't tell Mom," I blurt out, the plea sounding desperate even to my own ears."Amy..." Derek starts softly. "Look, I know what you're going to say, but there's no point in raising Mom's blood pressure and giving her a stroke over a little relapse.""Amelia, are you going to pretend that you were ever clean?" he asks, his voice steady but concerned."What? What are you even talking about?" My voice rises in a mix of denial and fear."Keep your voice down. I know, Amelia. I'm not stupid, and neither are you. You know I know, Kathleen knows, even Liz, and Mom has her suspicions, but she's giving you grace to be honest with her and you know everything you need to know. What we don't know is what you're using, but I know you're using something.""Derek, I—" I start to protest, but he cuts me off."No, don't interrupt me. Look, I'm not going to tell, but you're not as inconspicuous as you think you are. But I have one condition. You call me when you're using alone, or you use with other people. I don't need my favorite little sister dying.""Aww, I'm your favorite?" I say, trying to lighten the mood."For right now," he replies, settling back into his seat, his expression a mix of concern and brotherly affection. 

The realization that everyone might know about my addiction hits me hard, making me feel nauseous. Or maybe it's just the heroin comedown starting to set in. "Look, Derek, I gotta go," I say abruptly, needing to escape."Where are you going, Amy? Do you need a ride?" Derek asks, concern lacing his voice."No, no, I'm good. I'm just going to crash at Chester's for the night, think about everything you told me," I lie, feeling my face heat up and my skin grow pale. I can barely suppress the urge to vomit."Amy, you look sick, you know that. You look really sick," Derek observes, his brow furrowed in worry."Yeah, well... I don't have to be," I reply vaguely, leaving him with a raised eyebrow as I walk out the front door and hop on my bike, heading to Ruby's house. When I knock, Ruby's girlfriend, London, answers the door. "Hey, I need to see Ruby," I say, peering anxiously over her shoulder."She's asleep right now, but what can I get you?" London's offer to sell surprises me; I never thought she'd be involved in this."You're selling now?" I ask, incredulous."Yeah, I noticed all the cash Ruby gets, and I figured I could use the money. Plus, I'm okay with it morally," she responds, which puzzles me even more."Morally? Dude, you sell to teenagers. How moral can it get?""Dude, I am a teenager. But I do sell to preteens... fuck, dude. Now I'm questioning it again," she says, looking conflicted. Pushing aside the moral dilemma, I ask, "Do you have M30s or any other opioids? I really need a fix right now.""Does your brother know you're here?" London inquires."No, no one does. Do you have them or not?" I press, getting impatient."Let me check," she says, propping the screen door open and walking to the back where Ruby keeps her stash. She returns with a bottle of M30s. "We have a brand-new bottle. How many do you need?""Can I get the bottle?" I ask."Sure, that's gonna be $300," London says, her tone apologetic."Dude..." I complain but reluctantly pull out my wallet and hand her the money. Once I have the pills, I immediately pop one."Dude, you're just gonna take one right here in front of me?" London asks, taken aback."Derek said not to use alone," I reply, trying to justify my actions."Touché. Did you want to come in, or are you gonna ride high home? You remember what happened last time," she reminds me. The last time I rode home high on oxy, I crashed my bike into a nursing home, causing one of the residents to have a heart attack. Thankfully, he's okay now."You're right... I'll crash here until I can ride back," I decide, knowing it's the safer option. The reality of my situation is becoming clearer with each passing moment, but for now, I just need to ride out the high.