She was pretty. Insecurely, I imagined she was too pretty for me, and although we hadn't yet explored our connection further, a 13-year-old boy could, intuitively, see beyond. I was uncomfortable as I explained the situation to him, trying a little too hard to make light of his concern. It's not that I lied to him about events that took place earlier in his absence, but I also couldn't be completely truthful. I felt guilty knowing that feelings developed for Nina were no longer held for his mother.
My guilt was compounded with the concealed knowledge of a hidden indiscretion, a past affair with a coworker that occurred many years before. That weekend elevated Nina and my relationship and catapulted Samantha and me toward the end of our marriage. It served as the source for the first few blocks of wall that would soon form between Josh and me. He chose to live solely with his mother; a hurtful consequence that followed my given actions. I would spend years gradually dismantling that wall.
To merely state I didn't love my wife ignores the reasons that led to our eventual divorce, and although a major consideration, I had lived with that fact for a long time. My failures as a husband were born from weakness and inaction. Her failures were more complicated. At some point, I no longer believed the life wanted for us was obtainable, and I could no longer resign myself to a life without that possibility. Samantha and I cared for and loved our children, but we also used them to avoid facing the sad reality of the relationship that had been slowly revealed since early in our marriage. It added to the reasons for putting off children as long as we waited.
Thirteen years earlier and soon after the birth of Josh, we decided to separate. We is a euphemism, as I was the driving force behind that decision. I'd like to say time spent away was to search my mind and figure out what I wanted, and although true, would omit certain acts that I wish I could take back. The full disclosure, which I held back from Samantha after reuniting months later, is that I started having an affair with a coworker that quickly ran its course.
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Navel Gazing
Non-FictionI didn't want to be without her... Her beautiful face, infectious smile, her long, lean body, and the way she made me feel. But as time passed, and in the cruel way that familiarity and knowledge can sometimes work together against your dreams, the...
