"You need to get out some Nic... I know your body is still healing but fuck Beyonce and go get white girl wasted."
"You know i'm not a drinker Courtney."
"Since when? You used to chug down a bottle of liquor like it wasn't none."
"You remember the last time I got drunk?"
"What? Beyonce caught you laying up on that man?"
"Mhm, and she had ignored me for about month. I do not want that."
"I thought you didn't want to hear from her?"
"I don't but if she finds out i'm down here being unfaithful how you think she gone react? Beat me then go back to doing what she does?"
"That woman probably got kids out here somewhere, fuck her once again."
"This break should really help us... I know I should just leave her ass where she at but it's hard, I wouldn't be able to live like that."
"You're doing it now, I think you can."
"I'm surviving it now because I know we'll be back together. But I guess only time will tell."
"Onika."
"She's my wife Courtney. I'm rooting for her so bad. I just wish she would go back to the unmarried Beyonce."
"She was no better then."
"She didn't abuse me then."
Courtney shook her head, "Where is yo' dignity?"
"The same place where my self-love at. This break ain't just for Giselle, i'm trying to find myself again."
"Start by treating yourself better. Wear clothes that show off yo' body Nic."
"With all these marks? Hell no."
"We can find some cream to try to get rid of 'em."
"I have tried about everything... They not going away."
"You haven't tried them with me though. Maybe they won't leave because they keep coming back."
"What?"
"Beyonce."
I signed, "What are your plans for today."
"Our... And we got to go to the mall... Maybe catch a club or something."
"I'll go to the mall, but a club?"
"Cmon, please? You may find a fine, sexy man."
"Especially not going now. I'm not about to cheat on Beyonce."
"She did it to you.. And probably doing it as we speak."
"This what this break is for... Just to give her a hint of how it will be without me."
"So you doing all of this because y'know she can't leave without you?"
"She barely could when you kidnapped me."
"But she still... Nicki just file those divorce papers and leave that woman alone."
"I was the one talking crazy knowing her mind works differently. She's not right in the head at all. So that's why she's going to therapy now."
"Why do you have so many excuses for her? Insane or not she knows what she does is wrong, why do you think she apologizes afterwards?"
"Just like I said... I must've triggered something to 'cause her to act certain ways. And her conscious finally comes back."
"So before you left... How long was it until she hit you?"
"After that incident, it had been like two days. I think she was disgusted with me to be honest. She barely touched me."
Courtney signed, "How do you know she's going to therapy?"
"I have the therapist contact information, he will let me know."
"Made sure to get a man, huh?"
"Of course."
"And you shouldn't have to even do that but you like it, I love it." She shrugged walking out of my room.
My parents had been by but it was very brief. They said if they looked at me any longer they were gone have to take a trip to Houston. And my Dad had his nephews with him, and judging off of their looks, I knew they would've hurt Beyonce. Badly.
But I knew before I go back to that house, something was gone have to happen. They beat Beyonce like she did me... And I just watch. Maybe that beating can remind her to not even raise her voice at me. I had this all planned out. I wanted my marriage but I wanted my life as well. So this had to be done.
—————
Beyonce
I walked back in forth in my kitchen. My appointment was tomorrow, and I was afraid of the news he'll probably tell me. Maybe I was some fucked up individual after all. But I didn't need a therapist to tell me that.
Women that I have slept with been blowing up my phone since I wasn't feeding into the temptation. It did get lonely with Onika gone but I just used my hand for that. I wanted my marriage and I knew I had to quit those things.
But even with trying to keep Onika in the front of my mind, I still feed into those same temptations. Going to strip clubs and getting those private dances. It wasn't the same as actually having sex with them.
In the long run I knew I had to stop that too.
I wrote some apologies that I had for Nicki down. I couldn't send them to her because I knew I wasn't a changed woman yet.
One wrote, "I'm deeply sorry for the pain I've caused you. My actions were thoughtless and hurtful, and I regret every moment that led to your suffering. I understand that words alone cannot undo the hurt, but please know that I am genuinely remorseful and committed to making amends. I hope that, with time, we can heal and rebuild the trust that I've broken. You mean a lot to me, and I will do everything in my power to be a better person and partner in the future."
To me it still felt I was trying to manipulate her to forgive me. But I was genuinely sorry for how I treated Onika. I love that woman with all my heart. But I knew the way I had of showing it was fading.
I had to used every thing in my might to get myself changed. I had to understand even though this was originally for Onika, I had to do this for myself too. For my mom, siblings. They all wanted me to change into someone who didn't resemble their abusive parent.
I was going to get myself figured out. Without thinking it was a waste of time. I was ready to make a decision for my woman.
Hi!
Until Next Time.
