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DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE? ──────
SOMETIMES, WHEN RONNIE COULDN'T SEE, SHE LIKED TO STAND IN FRONT OF A MIRROR. They didn't have a real mirror when they were in juvie, just a reflective piece of aluminum that they couldn't rip out of the wall and weaponize, so now that she had her nice, big vanity mirror, and real bathrooms with real mirrors, she knew it'd probably appreciate her efforts more.
She didn't know what she looked like in those moments of course, but she liked to think that she was giving it insight into what it was. To what they were together. It never said anything to her about these moments or mentioned what it thought about when it saw whatever it was that showed in Ronnie while it took over, but Ronnie liked to think it was grateful anyway.
After all, Ronnie is grateful for it every day. It's been a long time since she was scared of what it was and what it could mean for her. Ronnie used to be selfish like that. It taught her to share better than anyone ever had. It taught Ronnie that she was better off not being given a choice. That it was better for everyone involved if someone just told Ronnie what to do and when to do it because that was the only way she'd get a job done.
It used to tell her she was vain and vapid like those words meant anything to her, but she soon learned that people didn't like that. So Ronnie didn't get to be those things anymore for the better. It taught her to do better for herself so that she could do better for everyone else, and in turn, it would take care of any so-called 'negative' aspects of life. It took away Ronnie's bad choices and took on the burden of making them itself.
Why wouldn't Ronnie be grateful for such a thing? Why wouldn't she love this thing inside of her that was so selfless– more so than she ever was? It taught her everything she knew. She had no qualms about admitting just what it was owed when it came down to it.
Slowly, her vision comes back to her, and she blinks the blurriness out of her eyes as she readjusts to the light shining through the small window at the top of the cement wall. The school bathrooms have a consistent, faint smell of stale, and there's an air of feminine musk that layers over the top of it.
Ronnie used to miss everything about the real world when she was in juvie, but being in this bathroom felt just like being there. The locker rooms were even worse, with the communal showers. She wouldn't ever subject herself to that again, though. She'd rather sit in a layer of sweat all day than strip herself down in front of people who are looking for a crack. They're all looking for a weak spot.
In many ways, high school is a lot like juvie. It feels like those first few months in that place did, looking over her shoulder just because every person there thinks they know what she did better than she does. They think they know who she is and she's fought every single day since she found Izzy's body to resist the urge to grab them by their shoulders, one by one, and tell them all that they're wrong about her.
