the placebo effect ✘ jaywon

20: RIGHT HERE

Jungwon smiles, glancing at Jay. "We'll try to visit more often," he mutters, and Jay looks at him.

Liar. He thinks, knowing Jungwon won't come back here once they stop playing their fake dating act. But he smiles back and continues to eat silently, knowing that he was the one who thought of lying to his parents, that it was he who brought up the whole deal. Not Jungwon.

Soon enough, by the time it was late enough for them to bid goodnight to Jay's parents, they're in Jay's bedroom already changed into their own pajamas.

Jungwon had just showered. He's not wearing Jay's pajamas anymore because he came prepared. "Where am I sleeping?" Jungwon murmurs, hair damp. His skin is glowing with the skincare he had put on, a fluffy headband making his bangs stand up.

"Here, obviously," Jay pats the space beside him.

"Aw, I thought I'd get to see your Spiderman blanket again," Jungwon jokingly says, although he does crawl into bed with him.

"I'm too lazy to set up a makeshift bed," Jay says. He doesn't say the part that he thinks this would be the last night they'd spend together alone, and that he doesn't want Jungwon on the floor instead of beside him. Deep down, he thinks that it's in Jungwon's mind, too.

"Pfft, okay. Well, goodnight," Jungwon murmurs.

They don't know how long the minutes have passed, but it's dark. Still, they can make up each other's forms. They're staring at each other, Jay following Jungwon's gaze as Jungwon looks at all of him. His eyes, his nose. The features of the boy he used to roll his eyes to. Jungwon has it all memorized from the amount of time they've spent together, this close and this long.

"Will you miss me?" Jay whispers softly when the silence starts to seem intolerable.

Jungwon whispers back. "I'll still see you all the time. What's there to miss?" Everything. He knows that. Jay's cooking, Jay's scent, Jay's warmth, Jay's laugh. This moment. Everything. But it's not like they'll never see each other again. It just won't be the same anymore. There would be no more reason for them to be this close. No excuse.

"You're right," Jay mutters. He's lying- something he has grown used to with fake dating Jungwon. He has lied to his parents. To Riki, to Jake, to Heeseung. He's a liar. And yet, everything he has ever done with Jungwon is all real. "There's nothing to miss," he whispers, "because you'll still be here."

As true as it may be, it still feels like a lie. Because Jay knows he'll miss everything. He'll miss Jungwon, even though Jungwon's not gone. He'll miss being his so-called boyfriend.

"Yeah," Jungwon whispers. "Still here."

They talk for a while longer, until Jay's eyelids start to grow heavy and Jungwon's sure he has fallen asleep. Jungwon didn't even know he was clutching on the hem of Jay's shirt, scared of letting Jay go. Scared that when he falls asleep, everything will disappear.

Everything.

Jungwon closes his eyes. Just like that, it's all fading away.

✘

The morning didn't feel easier. Having breakfast with Jay and his parents hurt Jungwon a bit, that he had to excuse himself to the bathroom just to not tear up at the thought that everything will change. As if they were really breaking up.

Time was quick and he's hugging them goodbye, and now they're back in Jay's car and on the way to the airport. They still have to pick Riki up from there, since he had just come back from Japan. The whole car ride to the airport felt stilted somehow. They didn't have to say it out loud but the moment Jungwon closed the car door when he got in, their fake dating deal was stopped.