the placebo effect ✘ jaywon

14: TURN TABLES

Jungwon was eighteen years old when he first started dating Jaeyun. They were classmates in certain classes and seated quite far from each other but Jungwon always felt his gaze. Jaeyun never seemed interested in anyone, but with Jungwon? It was a different case.

Eye contact was held way longer than necessary. A smile always formed on Jaeyun's face every time Jungwon met his eyes whenever he walked in for class. The routine ended when Jaeyun shifted course, and they never met each other again aside from randomly seeing each other around the huge campus on rare occasions.

It all changed once again when Jungwon decided to make the library his study place. The library was big, and even so, Jungwon found his way to Jaeyun. Jaeyun was sitting there, a laptop in front of him along with his notes. Jungwon didn't mean to stare, but they locked eyes once again, and Jungwon caught how Jaeyun's eyebrows raised and his eyes sparkled, a smile growing on his face.

He doesn't know what pushed him to go, but Jungwon sat down across from him. A table made for two. And Jungwon and Jaeyun were the perfect pair for it. Now, though, Jungwon wonders if things would've been different had he not sat on that table.

That day, Jaeyun had glasses on and a striped shirt that made him look like a complete nerd, though not entirely. His shirt still exposed his muscular, veiny arms as he typed on his laptop, focused. Some days went on like that whenever Jungwon intended to study. They just sat at their usual table like it was an unspoken rule. It's safe to say Jungwon always looked forward to it.

Until one day, Jaeyun finally made a move. Upgrading from study partners to friends, but at the same time, it felt different from typical friendships. They shared lingering gazes, bought each other gifts for no reason, arms staying wrapped around each other longer than necessary whenever they greeted each other goodbye. The hug itself isn't even necessary. But for them at that time, it was only a natural thing to do.

When Jaeyun became his first boyfriend, Sunoo didn't really like him. "He seems like a douche," he mumbled during a talk with Jungwon after Jake visited their dorm. "Frat boy crap, like that. Y'know. Asshole jock."

"He's not like that," Jungwon told him. "Jaeyun... He's good. He's smart, he's kind," he heard Sunoo sigh but Jungwon continued on, "You don't know him like I do."

Jungwon didn't know why Sunoo didn't like Jaeyun much, because his family actually liked him. For some time, he was convinced they'd stay together. Jaeyun even promised he'd let Jungwon practice with injections and needles with him in pursuit of his course.

Jaeyun was his first boyfriend. He was the first person Jungwon experienced a lot of things with. First kiss. First love. Jungwon never wants to admit that he loved Jaeyun but he can't deny the fact that his heart yearned for him. Jaeyun made him feel things he had never felt before.

First heartbreak. Jungwon remembers getting curled up in a ball as he ignored the frantic knocks on the door as Jaeyun tried to talk to him. He remembers how Sunoo had to push Jake away and drive him out, telling him that Jungwon wants nothing to do with him anymore.

Jungwon felt things for the first time, like how his heart ached so bad to the point he was clutching on his chest as he sobbed on the pillow that still had the scent of Jaeyun's shampoo. How he cried and longed for the feeling of Jaeyun's arms again even though he knew it wasn't possible. Even after it all, he missed Jaeyun. He longed for him, hoped he didn't see him kissing someone else, hoped he hadn't gone to the party. It was pathetic how Jungwon felt like it was his own fault for catching Jaeyun cheating on him.

But Jaeyun, he's an asshole. It was true what Sunoo said. He's a total douchebag who acts before he thinks and it's so stupid that he's book-smart. Jaeyun always made him feel safe before, and to have him ruin that completely... Jungwon hated him so much. He hated him.