Fragile

14. Friday

But he isn't. And I can't blame him, he had called me but I shut my phone off again. Part of me just wants to call him and let him hug me until I feel better, but I know I have to deal with this alone.

***

After my Spanish lesson, it was finally time for the most scary part of the whole day, PE. The pains had finally gone away which I was glad.

I walk alone to the changing rooms, since Dahlia and Abby were a duo nowadays. We used to be a trio, the thought of it makes my heart ache so I quickly shake it away.

Everything had become so much more complicated when I didn't have my friends anymore. Walking alone was the worst of all, it felt like everyone was watching me, I felt like a sore loser. Fat loser.

I change the fugly shorts on, but keep my hoodie on since someone would probably faint from seeing the lines on my arms. My friends hadn't even known I did it, they never suspected anything was wrong with me. And they didn't care when they found out, called me a fat whore instead. The memory is still painful, too fresh and vivid.

I stand up and shake my depressing memories away, ready to go to the gym room but a sudden wave of lightheadness washed over me. I quickly sit back down, so nobody could notice how I had almost fainted again. The sour taste of vomit sprinkles in my throat as always when I faint, saliva coming into my mouth. I never actually threw up, but I always tasted it before lost consciousness.

Sitting a solid two minutes makes me feel better, so I gather myself before standing up slowly and then walking into the huge gym room.

Shit. Is my first thought after opening the door here, football goals and a ball were in sight. No no no no, I couldn't run after a fucking ball without fainting. Not without food, an apple would help.

I know Dahlia always has extra food in her backpack, before our fight I would've just asked for them. I could work the calories away later. But now I couldn't just ask her. Gosh, how fat would I seem to ask.

I exhale a deep breath, steadying myself. No, I wouldn't need any food to stay awake. I could do this. I'll just fight the fainting, easy right?

"Liv!" Someone scares me. I jump, but then notice Fox standing next to me.

"Oh, hi." I answer back.

"I didn't see you in cafeteria today, did you eat?" He asks and studies my face.

"I did, just not in cafeteria." I lie and look away from Fox's eyes. I had the stupidest habit that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't look someone deep in the eye and lie. I always turned my gaze away, but I don't think that anyone has noticed.

"What did you eat then?" He asks like he wouldn't believe me, shit.

"Um. Something. Bread." I lie again, wanting to slap myself from the pathetic lie. I glance at him and he's looking at me suspiciously, probably not believing a word I'm saying.

"Liv-" Fox starts again, frowning, but is (thankfully) interrupted by our gym teacher. The teacher was old and grumpy, annoying and just overall shitty person who I think should get retired pretty damn quickly.

"Class, is everyone here? Great. Today we'll be playing football, as you can see." He is waving towards the goals and the ball like we were some stupid children. "Start with some stretching. Then three times running around the gym. You can start!" He sends us groan in pain as everyone tries to stretch.

"Ouch!" Fox groans in pain and I giggle at that. Not that I'm better than him or anything but it looked funny. "Don't laugh!" He says but I see that he's smiling too.

"I'm not laughing!" I say back but laugh right after my sentence for his new stretching technique. He laughs with me this time.

"Alright alright just start running already." The grumpy old gym teacher brashes at us.

Fox and I steal a glance at each other, we both hate that man. We start to jog, and I feel quite fine actually. Not lightheaded at all.

I'm so out of breath in the end of my three laps that I feel like collapsing to the floor.

"Oh gosh." I breathe heavily, exercising was so much harder when my stomach was empty.

"That was rough." Fox tries to catch his breath too.

I'm bent down, hands on my knees when someone walks past me, saying loudly the one thing that I would rather die than hear again. "Fatty." Leo laughs and looks at me, and Dahlia giggles with him. Sadness feels raw in my throat.

"What the fuck?" Fox asks and glares at Leo, like waiting for an answer. It makes my heart beat faster, because no one had ever defended me, like, ever. I stare at Fox, then turn my gaze to Leo who had stopped walking to face Fox's gaze.

"Just look at her." Leo spits out and the two of them walk away.

"What the fuck?" Fox asks once again, looking more confused than he ever has. "What did he mean?" He asks now facing me.

"That I'm fat?" I ask confused, did he not know what fatty meant?

"No no, why did he say it to you?" Fox frowns.

"Maybe because I am?" I mutter. I can feel my heart start to beat faster, I hated talking about my weight. Wasn't it enough that I knew that I was fat? Why did everyone else have to comment on it too?

"No you're not?" Fox asks like he couldn't believe I had just said that. Now we're both confused and frowning at each other. What does he mean I'm not fat, of course I'm fat? I had seen myself in the mirror. And scale doesn't lie.

"What are you two standing there, go play!" The coach interrupted and shoved us to the game ground before I could even think of an excuse to not play.

"We need to talk." Fox whispers into my ear right before we are shoved into chasing that stupid black and white ball. I don't answer him.

"Livia run run!" The coach yells at me. I didn't want to run, I was scared of it, but he gave me no choice. Every time I slowed down, he'd whistle and yell 'moving!' I hate him. He's absolutely my least favourite teacher in the whole school.

And at first, everything goes great. I don't even feel lightheaded for the first twenty minutes into the game. My team is winning the game, not that I would give a single shit about that but my teammates do. At least most if them.

I feel fine, at least as fine as a person who hasn't eaten in over three days can, until out of nowhere a sudden but already familiar ringing noice comes into my head and blocks out every single noise around me. No no no no no, this can't happen to me. Not now!

I try my best to fight it. But it's no use since soon everything becomes silent and now I try everything to steady my balance.

"Livia?" I hear a distant voice from somewhere, it's Fox. I look at him, but the only thing I can see is a wobbly image of him getting closer to me. The disgusting vomit rises to my throat and all I want to do is sleep.

I try to say his name, I want him to get this ringing noise away, I need him to hold me again. But right then my legs give up and black spots cover everything in sight. My limbs won't work like they should.

"Fox." I manage to whisper blankly before everything finally stops and my mind goes black.

——————————————————

Words: 1968