Getting to Bhez Ju took way too long. We were all standing in the middle of a very busy street. Nina, Zoya, Inej, and Tolya knelt down in front of a pew. They lit incense's and where honoring the dead. I stand behind Inej just watching. It was that or standing next to Kaz who wasn't really talking to me.
Tolya was whispering in Shu. Praying. I think about kneeling down next to Inej. Lighting an incent. But Suntsa Sar was to honor the dead. I didn't know that many dead people. I wanted to pray for a bunch of people to die, but I didn't think any Saints would appreciate that. When Tolya was done, he stood, and when he passed me, he stopped.
'You don't pray?' he asks.
I hesitate. 'I hope. I'm trying to figure out the difference.'
Tolya smiled. 'Most people find that there isn't much of a difference. Is there no one for you to honor?'
'Nobody that's actually buried in the ground.'
Tolya leaned closer to my ear. 'Then honor whoever it is that figuratively died.'
Before I can say anything, he's walking away. I follow him before I catch eyes with Kaz. I hold eye contact for a second before I turn back to the pew. I close my eyes and simply think. Feel. I don't know if it was praying or if it was hoping or what. But I let apart of myself go. That part that keeps telling me to stay. I let go of that ten-year-old who was still waiting for somebody else to come save her. I let go. I opened my eyes slowly and Inej stood. She hooked her arm to mine, smiling.
'Find liberation, yet?' she asks.
I almost laughed. 'Not even close.'
'You three,' Kaz said, walking up to us, 'we have a teatime to make.'
Kaz brushes past Inej and I. Inej sighs. Nina, Inej, and I hurried after him.
---
I stood up on the roof, looking down at Nina and Kaz. Inej was following Ohval Saran, and I was waiting for her. Kaz kept glancing up at me and every time I saw his head move, I looked back to see if Inej was close, yet. I was still mad at him. Nina was keeping up a string of conversation that I could just make out.
Nina was staring at the tea on the table. 'How do you think it tastes?'
Kaz slowly turns to look at her. 'Like tea.'
'Yes. But is it floral?' Kaz looked up at me and I kept my eyes on him this time. I was smiling and he looked away, annoyed. 'Bitter? Mildly sweet with notes of buttery—'
'Warm. And wet.'
Nina slumps back in her chair. Inej comes up from behind me and puts a hand on my shoulder. I was struggling to contain my laughter.
'She's coming,' Inej whispered.
Kaz looked back up at us and I motioned to the right with two fingers. Inej and I lean back as we wait for Ohval to get here.
'I gotta tell you something,' I say, turning to Inej. 'After this is all over, I'm thinking about... staying in Ravka.'
Inej couldn't hide her shock. 'Really? You're leaving?'
'Yeah, yeah, I think I am. Do you think it's a bad idea?'
'No. No, Nat, I don't. I was, uh, thinking about staying myself. Not going back to Ketterdam.'
I started to smile. 'We could stick together.'
Inej smiles back and pulls me into a hug. When we finally refocus on the scene below Ohval is already there and Nina is talking to her in Shu.
'Your pronunciation of our language is impressive for a Ravkan,' Ohval said to Nina.
Nina chuckles, nervously. 'That is quite the ear you have. My husband and I are from Ketterdam, but my mother is Ravkan. I inherited my affinity for Saint-related artifacts from her.'
Inej and I share an amused look.
'Husband?' Ohval said, sounding as amused as I was. 'Surprising. I thought the Kerch were more affectionate.'
Nina leans closer to Ohval. 'Well, in private, he's all hands. Isn't that right, Waffles?'
I snort and Inej elbows me to shut me up.
'Does "Waffles" take issue with my culture's customs?'
Nina tries for a smile at Kaz. 'Dear. We've come all this way... for this.'
Kaz slowly starts to take off his gloves.
I'm having trouble holding back my laugh. 'You want to hear something funny?'
Inej spares me a glance. 'Do I have a choice?'
'Back in West Ravka, when we were getting the blueprints for the castle, Kaz was a great actor. Ivanovski had a lot of fun.'
Inej smiles. 'Or maybe he just liked the idea of you on his arm.'
'Shut up,' I grumble. 'I was just saying it's funny.'
'Our contact mentioned,' Nina continued, 'that since The Disciple's retirement, he has periodically parted with some of his personal collection.'
'You're looking for something specific.'
'The Neshyenyer,' Kaz said, losing his patience.
'The Neshyenyer is at Ahmart Jen.'
'From what we understand that one's a fake.'
'I wouldn't know anything about that.'
Ohval gestured to a server, placing her hand on the teapot. I feel a weird sensation creep up in my gut.
'What if we told you The Disciple could name his price?' Nina said.
'I'd say you have a surprising amount of disposable income... for thieves.'
'We're not thieves,' Nina chuckles, 'we're, we're just collectors.'
'I've worked with enough thieves to know them when I see them,' Ohval shrugged. 'If you want the blade, you'll have to steal it from Ahmrat Jen.'
Ohval stood up and Kaz went to follow her, but a server slammed into him with a tray. The expression on his face changes instantly. Kaz Brekker is no longer seeing the world as it is. He's seeing whatever traumatic past that made him so terrified of human contact. I see Nina put a hand over Kaz's, trying to comfort him. Kaz pulls back and he's racing off into the crowd.
'Follow her,' I whisper to Inej.
I jump off the roof, softening my landing with the winds around me. I grab Kaz's gloves off the table and don't spare Nina a glance as I race after Kaz. I keep against the walls so there are less people to push through. Kaz kept walking trying to get away from everybody. He was panicking. I ran up to him and I grabbed him, pulling him towards a doorway. I slightly push him into the wall, and he slides down to the floor. I take a couple steps back before crouching next to him. When Kaz glanced at me I heard him suck in his breath.
'You were supposed to follow her,' he said, breathing heavily.
'Inej has got it,' I whisper. 'And I—I couldn't leave you. Not like this.'
I slowly place his gloves next to him and then I'm leaving. Going back to where we all left Nina. I was still mad at Kaz. I was still going to leave but... Well, I haven't left yet.
