Regret Flows (Frerard)

All That I've Got

The car ride to the church was long. Frank sat in the back, watching as Ray drove expressionless while Gerard fussed with the radio and tapped his feet the entire way. Ray shook his head in a state of disbelief as he saw his best friend crumble right next to him. Frank was still in denial, knowing Gerard hadn't left the house since Mikey told him the news, and remembered the first rule the artist explained to him when he moved in was that there were 'absolutely no substances allowed'.

In their pew in the front row of the church, Gerard sat closest to the aisle, then Frank, Mikey, and their uncle. Ray sat behind Gerard, and resisted the urge to drag his friend off and kick the shit out of him for throwing away years of sobriety. The priest droned on as he read passages from the Bible, politely ignoring the scoffing coming from Gerard. Eventually, the priest sat the book down and invited the funeral goers to bow their heads in prayer and locked eyes with Gerard's bright green defiant orbs. As the minutes passed, Gerard continued to tap his foot against the tile in the otherwise silent chapel, jumping eagerly when the priest invited him up to read his fathers eulogy.

Frank chewed his lip nervously as he watched his fiancé stumble up the steps to the podium and adjust his tie again. He cleared his throat softly before he leaned into the microphone, smiling down at the crowd. "Friends, family and loved ones," he began, as relief flowed through both Ray and Frank. "We are gathered here today in the memory of my father," Gerard continued as he nodded his head to the casket to his left, "as I look out over all of you here today, I am reminded of how many lives his generous, caring and loving spirit touched over the years."

"Oh no," Ray whispered.

"This man, right here," he continued as he gestured dramatically to the flower covered casket, "My father was a truly incredible man. He dedicated his life to the things that were important to him, which were watching baseball, old movies, hitting women, and burning fags." He smiled as the attendees gasped at the swear, giving him the power he yearned for. "Oh, yeah, he really loved baseball, almost as much as he loved Mikey," he forced a fake laugh "Oh the other thing? Let me recount," He put one hand on his hip and the other tapped his chin with the other while he looked off in the distance, dramatically seizing his opportunity. "I was six, I believe, and I had just come home from school. I set my backpack down and walked into the kitchen to find my mother on the floor, sobbing and covered in bruises." He sighed and tutted disapprovingly at the casket, "But hey, that didn't last forever, right? Because she died. Anyways, circling back to the burning fags thing, that wasn't even me being clever, he would just literally burn me. Sometimes with cigarettes, or lighters- one time with a fireplace tool!" He laughed loudly as people were frozen in horror in their seats. "My father hated me because I had the audacity to born as a natural artist and to be attracted to men, which, hey, check out how hot my fiancé is, I'm fuckin' glad I held out!" Frank blushed so deep he was almost purple, frozen as his heart pounded against his ribs. "It is because of my father that I am the man that I am today," Gerard turned to the casket, "So thank you, dad. I hope you rot in hell, you piece of absolute shit." he spat before walking down the steps and steadily walking straight down the center aisle and out the back doors.

The room sat in communal consternation until the priest returned to the podium. "Grief is a troubling thing," he managed to squeak out, "Let us keep Gerard in our prayers as he navigates these trying times."

-

The rest of the event went by as if a madman hadn't just trauma dumped on his fathers funeral. Ray immediately pulled Frank to the side as they exited the grand doors, escaping the rain under the stone eaves, "Where did he go?"

"How the fuck should I know?" Frank panicked as tears formed in his eyes.

"God fucking dammit," Ray spat, sinking back as he got stared down by the priest. "Sorry," he whispered and turned back to Frank, "we really need to find him before he does himself any more harm." Frank nodded and wiped the tears begging to drip down his cheeks away with the sleeve of his new suit jacket.

Mikey slowly approached the two, dragging his heels through the gravel. He pulled a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to Frank who immediately accepted. Ray gently shook his head turning down the offer, and Mikey put the square back in his pocket before lighting up. "Well," he exhaled as smoke softly escaped from his lips, "I guess I should have seen that coming," he chuckled.

The other two grimaced as they kicked their leather shoes through the dusty pebbles at their feet. Frank finished his cigarette, stubbing it out on the brick wall of the church before putting it into his pocket, receiving a confused look from the other two. "Sorry Mikey, we were-" Frank began but was cut off by the other.

"Its okay," he mumbled understandingly, "Go help my brother. He needs you guys."

Ray and Frank nodded softly before turning on their heels, and heading back through the rain with their feet crunching over the gravel. As he collapsed into the passenger seat, Frank immediately broke down into an open sob, folding over in half with his face in his knees. Ray didn't say anything but gently patted his friend's shoulder, and offered him a stack of napkins from the door pocket. Frank sat up, wiping this tears and snotty nose, catching his breath while he looked out the foggy window. "I don't know what to do," Frank squeaked.

"It'll be okay," Ray promised, "first let's go back to the house. We can go through his studio and find out where he was hiding that shit." Frank sniffled, nodding his head as tears continued to spill over his eyes.

"Nobody is allowed in there," he eventually choked out.

"He'll get over it," Ray replied coldly as they pulled out from the church parking lot.

Back at the house, Frank pulled the spare key from a cabinet by the TV and lead Ray down through the garden to the studio. Still wearing their suits, the two stood at the locked door as Frank fidgeted with the key, worried of Gerard's reaction when he found out he let Ray in. He had only just gained access to the space and his heart pounded anxiously at the idea of abusing that power. "Frank," Ray said as he saw the hesitancy in the younger, "Its for his own good." Frank nodded in agreement, turning the key in the lock and pushing the door open. The two stepped inside slowly, recoiling at the state of the once pristine space. Paint was thrown across the floor and splashed up the walls, canvases lay around the ground, and destroyed brushes were scattered around. Frank gasped as he walked through, nudging beautiful works of art with his shoe, and felt his chest cave in as he saw they were ruined. "Over here," Ray said coldly, ripping off a wall panel that was hanging loose. He squatted down, collecting things from the ground before standing and turning to revel them to Frank, who managed to sink further into himself than he ever knew possible. Immediately, his jaw quivered excited by the sight of the paraphernalia, shaking the intrusive thoughts from his mind. Ray tutted as he piled them on the counter top, sorting them by drug; needles, a pipe, lighters, rubber hose, and a small baggie with nothing but white residue left in it. Ray raised a confused eyebrow and returned to the wall panel, "Ah, yeah, there it is," he sighed, pulling a bag with mixed pills from the hollow space. Frank craned his neck away from the sight, taking a deep breath as he appreciated how well Ray knew Gerard. "Alright, that looks like all of it," he turned to see Frank standing back, quivering at the sight of the drugs. "Oh," he said quietly, "Don't worry, wait out here for a minute."

Ray collected the things in his jacket like a makeshift knapsack and walked back through the rain to the house. Frank took the time alone to collect himself, focusing on slowing his breath and heart rate. He thought about Gerard and his heart ached as he pictured where he could be and what he was doing to himself. He fiddled with the ring on his finger, mentally going back in time to the moment of their engagement, smiling as he was flooded with conflicting emotion. Ray returned through the doorway, his white shirt specked with rain and his hair dripping beads of water onto the ground. "You okay?" he asked.

Frank nodded his head reassuringly, "Thank you, Ray, I don't know what I'd do without you."

Ray nodded understandingly, "Come on, lets go."