Good Cop Gone Bad ~ Rewritten

29| verità

•Aria Marino•
(VERY triggering chapter. ⚠️: rape, psychological trauma, parental neglect, others)

          I turned to face Matteo and his parents more directly. I wasn't sure if I was actually ready to do this, I probably wasn't. But the growth part of this, of growing as a person and allowing myself to have a healthy relationship for once, not just romantically, but with parental figures like Matteo's mamma and papà, was being comfortable and trusting them. Allowing them so know me fully and truly.
           At least that is what I was telling myself as I saw all three of them staring back at me. They aren't forcing you, Aria. Those words kept going through my brain as I tried to calm myself. I have already cried in front of Matteo, and that was enough. I don't need to be crying in front of his parents too.
           "I started dating this guy when I was around 17," I begin, my voice wavering, my throat feeling as if it was closing up. "He seemed so charming, normal. So easy to get along with. Everyone around him loved him, he was an 18 year old studying to be a doctor, and I was starting college, studying to be anything that made my parents happy," I continued, although immediately after realized I shouldn't have brought my parents into it.
"You can stop whenever you want to, tesoro." Papà says, his voice gentle and sweet. I nodded mindlessly, trying to figure out what I would say next, and veer the conversation away from my parents.
I sighed, lifting my eyes once more, but quickly looking back down as my eyes were so full of tears that they all looked extremely blurry and I didn't want them to see me like that. I had never been in this situation, I wanted to curl myself into a ball, tuck myself into a random corner and just absolutely start sobbing, but I needed to be alone to do that.
I let my thoughts continue and I kept talking. "After I while, I would notice the small things. The random comments about my appearance, the random hobbies that I had that made me happy, picking fights over small things. I didn't think much of it. I knew a relationship was never going to be perfect, and I thought he was just making these comments because that was the kind of girlfriend he wanted, and if I was his girlfriend, then that was the type of girl I should be."
I remembered all the times I would go to read but he would tell me that it was a waste of time, every time I would want to paint my nails, but he would tell me they would be better natural. Every single time he compared me to another girl that was skinnier, that was prettier than me. I still let those things get to me, I still think I should be skinnier. It's hard to do that when I have someone constantly asking me if I've eaten something that day.
I mean, I'm an Italian woman living in Italy after being gone for years, I love the food here, so it's hard to avoid it when it's being presented to me, but I try.
"The comments and random acts continued for two years, but I never thought much about it because overall he was amazing. He was the only guy my parents approved of, he was an amazing student who would have a bright future. But after those two years, I made a decision that I still regret now." I almost did not want to say it, but I felt like I had to. The tears had escaped long ago, and I was staring down at my lap. The best I could do to corner myself was retreat into the farthest corner of the couch, away from them, and away from where Matteo could touch me. I was barely getting used to him touching me in general, but I doubted I would react okay if he touched me while I was in that state. I speak hesitantly, "My virginity was something incredibly important to me, and we had been together for over two years. I trusted him. So I did it, but a week later, I was forced to do it, I really didn't want to and I fought back, I tried I really tried, but he was too strong. I couldn't." I sobbed as I tell someone what happened for the first time ever.
I never even told the police. After they found that man almost dead when my father realized what had happened, he told them the gist of it, and the man was arrested. I never told Laura because she didn't need to know, she never needed to deal with my problems. She knew what had happened, but the way I just told them, with the details and everything. No one else can know, I refuse to tell anyone else.
I remember the bruises and scratch marks my father told me he found on him. He said that I must have fought back a lot, and I did. So much, but it wasn't enough.
"I'm sorry." I sob, pulling back with a flinch when Matteo's hand reaches out. "I tried." I choke out.
I stand up and almost run away, not wanting to be there anymore. I hear heavy footsteps behind me, the ones that I recognize as Matteo's. "Sweetheart." I hear his soft voice calling out for me, and his hand reach for me, landing on my elbow.
I turn to face him, and his arms are around me in an instant, holding me to him. His touch is oddly calming and I feel my body become weak. He falls to the ground with me, on his knees in front of me as I cry onto him. "I'm sorry." I say, but he shakes his head.
"Never apologize for this." he says, rubbing his hand up and down my back. "You needed to get this out, and I am so glad you did. But don't ever force yourself to talk if you don't want to. Whatever it is, I will wait until you are ready. But no matter what, I will listen, and I will be here for you. I will always make time for you, I just want you to be okay, melodia." he said, then placed a soft, gentle kiss on my forehead. I gripped onto him as if he was my lifeline, the only thing keeping me breathing when I was fighting so hard to do so. And it was so much easier than it usually was.
I hear more footsteps approaching and look up to see mamma and papà coming close. "Tesoro," mamma says softly, also getting in front of me, on the ground next to me, "We are here for you, Aria." she says softly, taking me away from Matteo and into her arms. It was oddly comforting, the way she held me, had her hand on my hair. She was the mother figure I had always needed, but never had. And now she is in my life, and I could not be more grateful, but also more terrified, knowing that something will ruin it.
Papà came next, on the ground next to his wife, holding me, holding both of us to him. "You got through it all, tesoro, because you are strong. You went through things you never deserved, that no one should ever go through and you are still here, surviving, and thriving." Papà whispers to me, a hand going up and down my back comfortingly. I nod against him and mamma, as the tears slow down, but still come at a consistent rate. "Now I feel like I have to ask, but do not feel obligated to answer. Why was that article posted?" he asks me.
"It's news. The police probably told the outlet about the case and they wanted to write about it. But my mother agreed to interview because they offered her money." I admit to them, "That is how they got so much information." I hear their shocked gasps.
I remember her telling me - not asking me - that she was going to do the interview, because they offered her money for it, and she really wanted a new pair of high heels to wear at events. More like to search for your next little boyfriend, I remembered wanting to tell her, but I didn't because I knew I would get in trouble.
I wasn't supposed to know about her and my fathers affairs, but it's not like they even tried to hide them. They never even tried to pretend that they were still in love. They stayed together because they had kids, who they didn't even like. If you discount Luca.
"I don't know why I stayed with him," I begin, trying to catch my breath to breathe even steadier. "I just thought that no relationship was perfect, and if I was just going to end up how my parents did, just co-existing, not even in love, not even wanting the kids that you had, always having a different affair, then there was no point in trying to find that kind of love. There was no point in trying to be anything else. I had accepted that I would never have a relationship like that, so when he would make all those comments, I would tell myself that it was just part of life and I should get used to it. But it was part of something bigger, a hint at who he really was." I explain, as they look at me wide eyed. They had both let go of me in the middle of my explanation, but stayed with me, listening to me, paying attention to me.
           They took me inside the house and sat me down on a comfortable couch in the living room. Mamma made me some tea while I sat with Matteo, my head resting on his shoulder. Papà sat across from us, leaving space for mamma to sit.
I had never been given this attention when it came to these subjects, even now if I told my mother about any of this, she would tell me that I am being dramatic, and that most of it never happened.
           Meanwhile, when mamma came back, papà was asking me, "Did you ever get any help, tesoro? Therapy? Anything?"
           I shook my head, "No. They didn't really think I needed it." I replied dismissively, then took a small sip of the tea mamma had brought me. They were all looking at me completely shocked, almost as if I was insane.
           "Well, then what happened after? Please don't tell me that everyone just let it pass and nothing happened." Matteo says.
           I hesitated before continuing, not knowing what I should admit, and what I was ready for. Would he leave me if he knew that I had been pregnant with my rapists baby? And what would they think if I told them I miscarried? They would find out eventually, so why delay it?
           "So, a few weeks after that happened," I begin, pulling away from Matteo, simply looking at my lap. "I found out I was pregnant." I say, then look up. Mamma's jaw was dropped, papà looked so concerned, and Matteo, he looked almost horrified. It made me want to cry again. "A few weeks after I found out, I ended up having a miscarriage."
           The tears started flowing once more, and mamma gasped. "Oh tesoro, please say that you sought out help on your own after that." she says, a hand on her chest as she was in shock.
           I sighed, "No. I didn't. I kind of just had to continue with college. And around this time, my parents were mad at me because I chose to live in a dorm room instead of with them, so they were not letting me see Laura." I explain. They all looked so sad, so shocked. "But I think it was fine. I didn't really need help, I guess. School was a good distraction. And I usually just relied on myself."
           I knew that was a lie. But I did not want them to worry. I remembered how much of a hard time that had been for me, after all that happened and having to go through school, all alone without Laura.  It had been fucking hell. But I still got through it. I was fine.
           "You have been through so much." Mamma says quietly. I just shrugged a bit, genuinely wanting to change the subject. I guess I have though. They think this of me, which kind of makes me not want to tell them about the few times I was kidnapped, and the times I have fought criminals, including a few serial killers.
I just hope I made the right decision by telling them, and that nothing changes. Nothing goes wrong. That I don't regret opening up to them. They seem so nice, warm, welcoming. That is how they have been in all the time that I have known them, like parental figures, but they are not my real parents. And I just hope Matteo doesn't think less of me because of this. But that is even weirder, they are not obligated to be nice at all, and they know that, but they still are.
However that is always how it starts, isn't it?