The Trials of Being Loved

Part 32 - Orca Education

Until New said he wasn't worth it! Who was he to judge his own self worth? Was his self esteem that low to believe that no one could love him the way he was? Tay growled, so softly, he knew that Newwie missed hearing it, or he would have run, or screamed for help. Wasn't that why they met at the Tam's?

It was an instantaneous response to kiss him, to show him with his body what New wouldn't believe with his ears, how much he was wanted. He might ignore it that way as well, but Tay couldn't live without him. 

Compared to some of their past kisses, this one was brief. Hard and thorough, but brief. Tay stared at New, and sighed deeply, taking in his flushed cheeks, the small bite on his bottom lip. He picked him up and moved to the settee, refusing to let go, until he had his say. Once he sat down, New firmly planted on his lap, held there by his arms around his waist, Tay pressed his head between his shoulder blades. 

"New, you had your say. It's my turn now." His voice rumbled, lower than New's, against his broad back. "I tried once before to tell you about me, about having OCD and you told me I could be normal. I'm not any more normal than you are."

"I made my fair share of mistakes, New. I got so lost in giving you what I thought you needed, that I never asked you. I needed to know everything about you and pushed and pushed, until I thought I broke you. At least I thought about you. Did you even think about me?"

His arms tightened slightly. "The major difference between us, as I see it, is I don't give a damn. I have a routine and I stick to it. I let people KNOW I need my routine or I am a major asshole. I don't care if people in or out of the industry want to call me that, or call me the nicest man to work with, when my routine is followed. It doesn't matter to me, because I KNOW who I am." 

Tay bit back a moan as New shifted on his lap, still silent, so he continued. "Are we toxic together? I don't know for sure. But when you left, all I did was think. Am I a slow thinker? Maybe, but I prefer methodical. I need to examine every detail and ensure I know what I'm talking about. You make me react without thinking and I didn't like that, but I don't think it's toxic, I think it's a learning curve because I had no knowledge of who you are. I also didn't know the danger of sex."

"What did I know of how you behave? Did I know to back off when you are high and full of energy? Or leave you alone to sleep, be there and be supportive? Do you know what to do when I have my particular needs?" Tay paused, waiting for a response and only heard New breathing. He lifted his head from his back and unlinked his arms, saying nothing further. 

New was free. Tay admitted defeat. It took New a minute or two to realize he was free, then he got up and walked out of the room, never looking back. Tay pressed his eyelids closed against the tears, and also stood, walking to the vestibule. He slipped on his shoes and opened the door, walked down the path to the gate, and out to the road. 

It was there Tam caught up to him and began to scold Tay for leaving alone. Tay simply turned and laughed. "I know you caught the stalker. I saw the police arrest someone a few days ago when I was cleaning. I acted the way I did because I need facts and I don't like people being used, asshole. New isn't bait, and neither am I. People with OCD need to have regular sleep schedules. Mine's been a total clusterfuck lately, so I've seen things I don't want to, and without it, I work until I collapse from exhaustion. Leave me alone. I'll do what New wants, with the new drama. So go fuck yourself."

~~~~~~~~~~

New stood in the kitchen as the door closed, hands over his ears, unable to listen to any more. He expected it to be slammed shut but he barely heard it. His legs started shaking then and he sank to the chair, closing his eyes. "Ms. Tam," He said softly, fighting back the tears, "I fucked up."

Ms. Tam stood up, hugging the son of her heart. "Haven't you learned anything yet, my son? It's fine to screw up every now and then. It takes a brave heart to admit it, but you already know I'm not the one who needs to hear it."

"I'm not alone, am I?" New hugged her tight, resting his head on hers. A heavy hand landed on his shoulder. 

"Son," Tam sighed as he returned to the kitchen, "That boy doesn't just care, he does love you. What are you going to do now?" He walked over to the table and poured himself a cup of cold tea. Sitting down, he looked at his wife and adopted son, "The boy said he'd do as we wished for the new script and contract. So Newwie, have you made a decision?"

New stepped out of the hug and walked over to the table, pulling out a chair. He didn't sit down, just leaned on it. "Ms. Tam, do as we discussed. I'll do the drama, if we get the new contract." His head was down as he spoke, voice small. "Tam, will you take me home, or should I ask Off?"

~~~~~~~~~~

It was time for a vacation, Tay decided. His condominium held too many memories, no matter how much he scrubbed. At night, he was sleeping with his prescription cream and gloves on to prevent his hands from looking like shit. Hell, they still looked like shit from the constant cleaning. 

So he went to his room, grabbed his leather Shinola duffle bag and began to pack. It was his pride and joy from an earlier trip to London with Newwie and he never went anywhere now without it. It was a perfect fit for a 3 day weekend and didn't give him a fit, by getting dirty. 

After it was packed, he collapsed on his bed that held so many different types of memories, and spoke aloud to the empty room, "Okay, now where do I go?"

He almost shit his pants at the sudden knock on his door. Not expecting anyone, but knowing it could only be someone he knew, he answered the door without checking the intercom. 

Big, big mistake...