The Trials of Being Loved

Part 21 - We're all Damaged Goods, Polar Bear

Newwie pondered what Tay had just said, and nodded. "Then speak. Tell me about your demons, Tay. Tell me what keeps you up at night, drinking beer until you can sleep dreamlessly."

"You have it wrong, New." Tay sighed. "It's not thoughts that are my problem." He rubbed his suddenly sweaty hands on his pants and wondered how he'd react. Fuck it, just say it! "I don't drink to sleep, Newwie, I drink to think. I have OCD."

"OCD?" New's face was blank. "No, you don't. That's not real, Tay. I'd have noticed by now. I'd have noticed if you stood at a sink, washing your hands until they bled."

"That's ignorant." Tay gave a snort. "Obsessive Compulsive Disorders are just as different as your "mental health" problem, New." He gave a hard look and New twisted his hands, knowing he didn't really tell him everything, it had been too hard. "I don't wash myself obsessively, I have to be neat, in a clean environment or I have to clean until it's spotless." 

He sighed. "I have gotten better. I have a routine now. It helps until someone decides to assist me." 

"The bathroom..." New breathed out, softly. 

Tay nodded. "You were lucky I didn't beat your ass that day. I was too busy trying to remember to breath." He reached for New's hand, needing physical contact. "I told you that day, we both were damaged, New. I really do have my own hang ups."

Pulling free, New shook his head. "You can be normal among people, Tay. I can't. Everything I am is an act. I can never be who I am. No one would ever want me for who I really am."

Tay was beginning to become very angry. New wasn't listening to anything he said. Oh, he believed he HEARD him, he just hadn't listened to him. "New, what did I say? When did this become about you?" He watched New blink, wondering if this was another aspect of his 'mental health' problem. "Are you going to tell me the truth now?"

"What?" Cornered. New didn't like that feeling. The anxiety was back, just the same as it was when he was trapped in crowds of people. TAY did this to him. Tay was his safety net. Why did he do this? "Why are you doing this?" Tears were building, he could feel them. 

"You lied to me, New. You said you'd listen, about how MY problems will affect us. YOU heard only how it's not that bad. You're wrong, it's worse. Way worse that just a wee mental health break." Tay watched Newwie start to shake and tears fall. "That's it, isn't it? You lied."

Shaking his head violently as the tears fell, New hid his face. "I didn't lie, Tay, I just didn't tell you everything. It's hard to talk about it." 

"Look at me." Tay demanded. "Why should I listen to a liar who won't even look at me?"

"I didn't lie, you fucking asshole!" New shouted, tired of being here, with him. Tired of the stress, he felt himself snap and the very worst part of the brat emerged. This wasn't the part of him that curled up and cried, or sulked, this was the part of him that fought and hurt people. The part of himself that tried to end it all... 

He got up of the couch and Tay watched, almost with a morbid fascination, as New's demeanor changed instantly. His face smoothed out and his eyes narrowed into evil slits, he began to grin. "You want to hear all my truths, asshole? You think you will still be here, everyday, once you know them?" His head shook, just slightly, indicating 'no'. "Why would you, when I can't even be at home when I'm like that and," He hissed this, "THEY, apparently, love me." 

"My illness is not one where anyone stays by your side once they know, Tay Taywan!" New shouted, as he stalked towards the bedroom, ready to leave. "It's one where they hospitalize you for observation and leave you there and forget you exist!" As he reached the bedroom, he twirled around and sighed, "Forgive me for not giving a damn about your OCD. It's still not a big fucking deal!"