It's so foreign to feel loved and wanted. After all this time I question everyone's loyalty. Why? Because I am used to the ways you used me to make yourself feel better. I allow people to walk all over me to get their approval even though the only persons approval I need is my own. But my own doesn't count or so I tell myself. I walk right past my intuition and let my heart do the talking. The heart that has been shattered time after time and keep coming back for more thinking it will change.
The feeling of happiness is foreign. The feeling of being truly loved for oneself has never crossed my mind. You wanted what I had to offer so you didn't have to take care of your responsibilities because I would do it for you. But that wasn't enough to satisfy you. I still wasn't doing enough. I wasn't loving you right. I wasn't loving you enough. I was running myself to the ground just to make you see how much I loved you. I poured every inch of my life and my soul into the cracks to seem whole.
Your touch kept me alive and running back. The child we shared kept me frozen because I couldn't leave them. Every time you raised a hand to me I just let you and my mind registered that as normal. I just let it happen and cowered in the corner of myself when I should have said that this is it I have had enough. I've been hurt before but it is not the same as the broken I feel now. I was destroyed. I flinched every time you would come near me but that wasn't okay. You would get angry or play the victim.
The feeling of control was gone once I walked through the door. I passed the threshold and invisibly handed them over without my knowledge. I signed a binding contract. I could barely breathe. I was suffocating but I didn't care because I couldn't feel it. You had me caught in your claws and put in a cage.
The feeling of constant anxiety that comes up anytime I try to go out with someone else. Constantly apologizing for things that aren't my fault but now I am in a state of healing.
