𝐀𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐥𝐝 𝐜𝐚𝐯𝐞𝐬 𝐢𝐧 - maze runner, Thomas

Chapter 4-drawing lessons

It is dark around me. And cold. I sit up in my hammock. My eyes have to adjust to the darkness, before I can see the glade.

The boys around me are sleeping. The sun hasn't risen yet. It must be very early.

My head hurts a little and my mouth is dry. I get out of my hammock. I don't wanna breathe to loud because it's so silent. I hold my breath and quietly make my way out of the sleeping area.

Now I'm standing in the middle of the glade. I feel weird. Unreal or something. I look down at my body. Yesterday I didn't change my clothes before going to sleep. They are sweaty and clenched to my body. As I let my hands slide over my stomach, they are shaking. Why the hell? It's not that cold.

My stomach is flat. I like feeling thin and light. Like I'm fragile. I know I am.

Too easy to hurt. But that, I don't like.

The sky is dark blue. It looks like a huge blanket. A few stars are visible. It's making me feel dizzy.

But it's fascinating at the same time. I wanna draw it.

I go back to my hammock and get my notebook and the pencil from the map room.

I sit down under the sky and start drawing. The moon is spending some light. Instead of drawing the sky, I draw myself onto the paper.

I am standing in the middle of the glade. There is a knife in my chest. On the ground around my feet is blood. Lots of blood. The gladers are standing in a circle around me. They are celebrating. Some of them are pointing at me and laughing.

I kind of forget the world around me. When I'm finished, I muster my drawing, impressed by how real it looks. Almost scary.

I close the notebook and lay myself down on the ground. It is cold and I realise I should wear something warmer than just my shirt. But I stay were I am.

My body is shivering a bit. I don't move.

Is this all I ever will be? Lost. Not fitting into this world. I don't remember being genuinely happy anymore. I'm sure I was recently, but now I don't remember. The bad thoughts enter my head again. I don't like them, it's just that they feel familiar. Safe. Ironic that they do, because I certainly am not safe.

I know I shouldn't be alone. I know I am capable of doing bad things at this point.

But I know it's the truth. The way I see it. There is no point.

How cruel the world is. I don't know how others survive it. I am not. There isn't much keeping me from letting go. Why should I stay?

It's black. Not white. Black. And it's eating me up. Alive.

I'm just to weak. I want to give up so badly. Keep going is exhausting and scary. I'm scared.

And I'm disgusted. By the others, by this place but... mostly by myself. There is just hate left. My vision's blurry. The tears came without me noticing.

I feel infinite, just not in a good way. In a cursed way.

My heart beats faster in my chest. I place my wrist in my mouth and bite as hard as I can. I taste warm blood on my tongue. Pain that feels good. I don't get it. It comes naturally.

The sky is as dark as it was when I woke up. The minutes feel like hours. God. I want it to end. But I don't want the sky to turn brighter or the others to wake up.

I like being alone more. Way more. And I like the darkness. It's comforting.

Sadly the sun begins to risen. The boys are gonna wake up soon. I don't want to be with anyone at the moment. I know Newt and Alby told me to not disappear without telling, but right now I don't care. It doesn't matter.