cigarette ends | ✎

xviii.

I came up for air, expecting to see her head pop up near mine. I waited. And waited. And waited.

Goddammit Emilia, where are you?

My anxiousness was eating me from the inside. I dove underneath the water, ignoring the sting in my eyes as I searched for her underneath the water.

I saw a blur further out, a blur that was barely moving.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Please be alive, Emilia.

I swam to her as fast as I could. Her eyes were wide, unseeing, as if she were in a trance. But as soon as I grabbed onto her, she blinked and shuddered, and panic found its way into her gaze.

I placed my hands under her arms and kicked her to the top. She gasped for air as soon as we emerged, and a weight fell off my chest.

She's alive. She's breathing.

"Let's get you to the board," I muttered, swimming with her in my arms until I could reach the board and pull it toward her. She grabbed onto it, still breathing in air greedily.

"Are you alright?" I asked.

She shook her head slowly. "I'm... okay."

She was lying. "Do you need to talk about it?"

"It's fine, really." She looked everywhere except for me, and I hated it. I hated not seeing her face, not seeing her eyes on mine, even if they were full of hatred. "And... I'm sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry for," I argued.

"I keep doing this. I wish..." She looked down. "I wish I wasn't such a fucking coward. I wish I could just face my fears."

"Hey, don't say that. You were facing your fears when you chose to get into the water." I smiled. "Just because you had trouble just now doesn't mean you're a coward. The fact that you were even in the water shows that you're brave."

"Thank you," she whispered.

"I think this is enough surfboarding for today, don't you think?"

A small, sad smile lifted her lips into the familiar curve I wanted to memorize. "Yeah."

I started dragging the board closer to shore with her in its wake. But when she started coughing behind me, I couldn't take it. 

The water was to our waists, so I tugged the board away from her and held her face in my hands. "Talk to me. What happened out there?"

Her expression slowly morphed into sadness. "I had a bad memory."

"A bad memory? Does it have to do with the water?"

She hesitated before nodding. When she didn't continue, I knew she didn't want to continue to talk about it, and I didn't want to force her.

So I just leaned down until we were eye level before saying, "I'm here if you need me, okay? Just shout my name if you need to talk."

"Thank you," she said. When I didn't move my hands, she cleared her throat and stepped back from my touch. I let my arms fall to my side as she looked around. "Where are the others?"

I glanced over at the beach. "I think they went shopping. I saw them leave about an hour ago."

"An hour?" She raised her brows. "What time is it?"

I glanced at my watch. "Almost 5."

"Already?" She looked around. "What are they shopping for?"

I shrugged, then continued walking to shore. "Who knows. Callum is probably on the hunt for tequila."