All That's Left Is An Unspoken Word

Special Chp 1: Ruined Beauty

I had once met a beauty. He had eyes as stoic as can ever be. But as he glared those eyes at me, the warm color of honey greeted mine. Those eyes never once softened, but they completely melted me. And when the ray of sun shone on them, such a pretty shade of yellow beamed at my face.

In his eyes were life, and joy. And in mine was death, and sorrow. If only I had not stumbled upon your gaze, then the light from those eyes would've stayed. 

A mistake I made trying to barge into your path that led you to a bright and righteous future.

I had always thought that the color of my eyes was only full of despair, I was completely wrong. Fire, death, hatred, revenge. My ash-colored eyes, transformed into the bloodshed I had caused. It was never my intention... Not at all...

I wanted to save the world from scratch. With my bare hands, that couldn't even hold my guilt, and this head-wrecking burden. Because of this selfish desire of mine, I hurt the people around me...

As a teenager, I was free-spirited and carefree. It led me to make a lot of friends, who in the end, went against me. You were an exception; you didn't want to be my friend and always hated me.

I admired you, so much that I wanted to stand by your side. But I didn't deserve that. You were given the title 'Hanguang - Jun', and as you were praised and loved by everyone, here I was. Feared by the world. How dumb of me to even think about standing beside you.

Makes me laugh. Who was I? Who was I to be seen with you? To even breathe the same air as you? I was nothing, nothing but the ruins of everything you have built. 

Including the barrier you have built against me. All this time I had only been looking for an excuse. But I can no longer run away. Surrendering, I was nothing but a selfish prick. Jiang Cheng was right. 

I hurt everyone around me, and there are no exemptions. I used to think it was just Jiang Cheng's delusions, but now I can't say anything. I guess what I did made him think I was trying to be heroic.

As I bury myself deeper and deeper out of shame. I just yearn to disappear. But who is this person that is unwilling to let me go? Just set me free, please...

***

Every single lonely night. I wait for you. I just can not bring myself to face reality. The reality that... you are gone. 

I know you want to rest, I know you're tired. But I just can't let you go. It's only you that I wish to be with. Let me be selfish just this once.