Forget Me Not

Words from a book

The next afternoon while Crowley is at work Aziraphale goes to the building that Nina found. They aren't sure exactly which apartment is his but that isn't too difficult to find out. Most balconies have furniture or a couple of plants but there's a balcony on the third floor that looks like a tiny jungle. Crowley's.

Aziraphale's palms sweat as he rides the lift up. It's been almost half a year since he's seen his demon, not including the interaction the other day. Not including that because it wasn't his demon. It was someone else. All Aziraphale has wanted since he left was to come back and be with Crowley again. He thought that once he got away, finding Crowley would be the least of his worries but it's been nothing of the sort.

Aziraphale had done his very best not to preform any miracles. Staying off Heaven's radar is one of his top priorities. Getting Crowley back is a higher priority, though, so he does a tiny miracle to unlock his door. For this plan to work Crowley can't suspect anything odd.

Aziraphale's hand trembles as he turns the door knob. Crowley's flat looks out of sorts, to put it mildly. The angel walks in, being careful not to step on anything in the floor. He doesn't know what to make of the scene. It's not like his demon to be so messy.

His breath shakes as he makes his way through the flat. He's not sure exactly how much time he'll have until Crowley gets back. Aziraphale needs to find something to help lead him in the right direction.

He has some experience with memory loss now. Gabriel had absolutely no idea who he was or anything really but Crowley knew his name at least and some of how the world works. Aziraphale needs to figure out exactly how much the demon knows. Something in the apartment has to be telling.

Of course Aziraphale is going to look for clues but he also needs to take in Crowley. He picks a record sleeve off the floor. The Arctic Monkey? Seems silly but Crowley always liked the oddest music. Aziraphale places it on the table near the vinyl player. He wants to tidy up. It hurts his heart to think his sweet demon has been living like this. There are liquor bottles littered about, at least a score of them.

Aziraphale finds the bedroom, hoping that it will be a better state. It's not, of course. Aziraphale had never been in Crowley's room before. It felt intimate. The bedding is thrown across the floor. Half empty bottles of whiskey sit on the nightstand. Nothing inside the closet is hung. The angel walks into the room and picks up a shirt, just wanting to be close to Crowley.

Underneath the shirt is a hardback book. Crowley isn't himself but Aziraphale knows that a book is still out of character. He tucks the clothing article under his arm and bends down to see what the book is.

"Paradise Lost?" Aziraphale whispers to himself, "why would Crowley have a copy of a John Milton novel? That-" When Aziraphale picks up the novel a heavy piece of paper, unlike the pages in the book, falls out. It's folded into thirds.

Aziraphale sets the hardback and shirt on the bed before picking up the paper. He turns it over to see Crowley's messy handwriting. It says "to Aziraphale only" on the front. The angel's hands tremble while holding it. His heart skips a beat. Shakily he unfolds the parchment and reads the following letter.

'Aziraphale,

If you're reading this that means you're back on earth and you've found me. You're probably confused about what's happened. Answer is, I've wiped my own memory.

I don't want to do this alone. I won't. I never fit in with hell or heaven. I wasn't good or bad enough. I thought I was good enough for you but turns out I was wrong about that. I've loved you for so long, Angel. And I thought that you loved me back. I really did. I must've been wrong about that as well.

I don't think I could ever be happy knowing what I've lost. Knowing that you chose heaven. Knowing that there'll never be any us. If you truly need me then my memories are in the black bullets. But, if you ever cared for me at all, Aziraphale, you'll do me this kindness and leave me be.

-yours, Crowley'

The words cut like knives, deep to the bone. Aziraphale, with letter still in hand, drops his arm while his other hand cups his mouth. His eyes sting and his throat grows tight. Of course, he thinks, I knew I hurt you badly but- The angel inhales sharply. His eyelids overflow and tears run down his cheeks.

He take a seat on the bed, not in his normal delicate manner, but with a crash, almost as if his legs gave out. He reads the words again, "I've loved you for so long, Angel." Shaky sobs escape his lips.

He thinks aloud, "I do love you, Crowley." He lets the letter lay besides him on the bed and buries his face in his hands. "I need you," he cries, "I need you with me!" The breaths come out broken and return sharply. "I'm so sorry! It's me! I'm- I'm the one who isn't good enough."

Aziraphale wipes his tears away just for more to replace them. He grips his knee and digs his fingertips into his leg.  I won't put you through it again, I swear it. Aziraphale thinks of the salesmen he met and of Nina's recount of the man she spoke with. Then he thinks of the malcontented demon that he knew. He wonders if Crowley really is happier this way.

Of course he was scared when I spoke to him, Aziraphale argues to himself, he has no idea who I am and was frightened. Nina said he seemed fine. Another tear falls from the tip of the angel's nose. If I care about him I'll let him live his life.

Aziraphale sits and runs his hands over the soft sateen sheets. He wonders who would ever buy black sheets. My Crowley would, is the answer. He sits there for a while, deep in thought. With a great deal of trepidation, he stands and goes to leave. His legs don't want to move, though. He's left standing in the middle of his love's bedroom, looking in at the uncharacteristic mess.

Aziraphale forces himself to take the letter and leave. He turns back once more before exiting the front door and says, "I do love you Crowley. So much that I'll never hurt you again."

***
I'll get hate for this but I've always felt that Aziraphale could be selfish when it came to Crowley. I hope in season 3 we see him sacrifice for him. Also sorry to make you cry but you chose this fandom.