Without Her (Edited/TagLish)

Chapter 4

Pagka-alis ko sa sementeryo ay dumetso agad ako sa bahay nina Sarah. Wala na sina Tito at talagang nangingibabaw ang katahimikan sa buong bahay. Unang hakbang ko pa lang ay iba na ang nararamdaman ko. Naalala ko bigla 'yong mga panahon na sa t'wing bibisitahin ko si Sarah, marinig niya palang ang sasakyan ko na nasa tapat ng bahay nila ay tumatakbo na siya palapit sa akin para lang yakapin ako at sabihin na miss na miss niya ako.

But tonight was different. There is no more Sarah who will hurriedly go downstairs to hug me.

Iniikot ko ang paningin ko sa buong bahay nila at talagang ramdam na ramdam ko ang pagkamiss ko kay Sarah. Ilang araw pa lang nang namatay siya pero pakiramdam ko ay ang tagal ko nang nagluluksa. Napangiti ako noong mabaling sa sofa nila na narito sa sala ang tingin ko. Parang nakikita ko ang sarili ko at si Sarah noong mga panahon na nagkukulitan kaming dalawa. Gayundin ang TV nila na siyang madalas naming gamitin kapag naisipan ni Sarah na magpuyat at manood ng sandamukal na pelikula. Siya ang dahilan kung bakit nakilala ko sina Lee Min Ho at kung sino pang mga Korean actors dahil paborito silang lahat ni Sarah.

Everything here in this house, every part of it reminded me of Sarah.

Muli ay pumunta ako sa kwarto niya. Hindi ito nagbago. Ganitong-ganito pa rin ang itsura ng kwarto niya noong araw na namatay siya. Nakiusap ako kina Tito na 'wag linisin o baguhin ang kwarto na 'to.

Her phone was still here. Nakapatong 'yon sa bedside table niya. Kinuha ko 'yon at saka ko binuksan. Hindi mahilig maglagay ng password si Sarah sa cell phone niya dahil pakiramdam niya raw ay may tinatago siya kapag kailangan pa niyang maglagay no'n. Kung maglalagay man siya ay doon lang sa mga files na siya lang ang dapat na makakita tulad ng memos niya na nagsilbing diary niya.

I automatically smiled when I saw that her wallpaper was our picture together when we were having a good time in Tagaytay.

I opened her gallery. I saw lots of pictures of the two of us. Hindi ko napigilan ang pagpatak ng luha ko noong makita ko kung gaano kami kasaya noon. Those moments, those places, those smiles, really broke my heart now. Sarah, I miss you.

Nagpatuloy ako sa pagtingin sa files niya until I saw her videos. Masyadong makulit si Sarah. Sa sobrang kulit niya nga ay minsan, nagugulat na lang ako na may naka-tag na sa akin na video kinaumagahan sa facebook o kaya naman ay stolen pictures ko. Pero hindi ako nagagalit kay Sarah. Ang totoo niyan ay natutuwa pa ako kapag gano'n siya.

I played one of her videos.

Yow love! You just slept here! Nakakainis ka talaga!

She said while laughing. That was a video taken last December 12, 2013, 3:54 pm

Kumakanta ako tapos tinulugan mo ako?! You are soooooo annoying! I want to smack your sleepy head! Seriously? I didn't sing a lullaby song so why sleep, my Love?! Antukin ka talaga!

I didn't know that she's been taking this video that day when I visited her and I was with my thesis. I was so sleepy so I asked her to sing and then I fell asleep. Nakakatuwang makita ang naiinis niyang mukha. Kahit ano yatang emosyon ang ipakita ng mukha niya ay ang ganda niya pa rin. Hindi nga bagay sa kaniya ang magtaray. Pati ang pagsasalita niya ng tagalog ay hindi rin maayos. Laking New York kasi si Sarah kaya gano'n.

Pinanood ko lahat ng videos na nasa cell phone niya at talagang lalo ko siyang na-miss.

There was a video when she's baking a chocolate cake for me and that it took her six tries before she made a good one. Natatandaan ko na ako ang kumuha ng video niya na 'to. Nakakatuwa kasing makita na nag-eexert siya ng effort sa mga simpleng bagay na ginagawa niya.

She has a video while cooking a dinner for the two of us in my apartment. Kapag hindi ko kasi siya nabibisita ay siya ang bumibisita sa akin. Pupuntahan niya ako sa apartment ko at doon siya madalas mag-experiment sa pagluluto.

Hindi ko alam na kinunan niya pala ng video ang lahat ng mga 'yon. Simpleng bagay at normal na araw na magkasama kami. Mga bagay na siguro alam niyang kakailanganin ko kapag nawala na siya. Akala ko noon ay hilig niya lang ang kumuha ng pictures at videos pero ngayon ko lang na-realize na ginawa niya ang mga 'yon in purpose.

Kahit na alam kong ayaw niyang pinakikialaman ko ang Memo niya ay tiningnan ko pa rin at medyo nagulat ako kasi walang password. There were 12 memos saved in her phone. They have been entitled January up to December. All the notes were written on the same date. January 7.

I had the urge of reading her first memo which has a title, January so I did.

Hi, there, my love!

Oh please, I know you are mad at me even if you deny it and again, I am sorry. Here, as you can see, I have written twelve memos. Told 'ya! I am not that lazy as what you keep on telling me. Haha! By the way, you can't read all those memos in one day. That's exactly the very reason why I have put a title in each one of them. One memo for a month. I am creative, ain't I?

You might be wondering why I did this nonsense thing but this is the only way I can help you to face each day. I didn't actually leave you. I just go first to the place where we can actually meet someday. I am waiting for you in that place so don't be sad, okay? Hey, hey, hey! You have to graduate! 'Kay? And please, don't read the other memos if you are not yet supposed to read them. Don't cheat, alright?

I love you, Chris. Alam mo naman 'yan 'di ba? Sana, lagi mong maramdaman na mahal na mahal kita.Oh wait, you have to focus on your study. I don't want your family to be mad at you if ever you'll fail just because you keep on thinking about me. Think of yourself. I will always be fine to where I am heading so you have to be fine also. Kilala kita at alam kong sobra kang nalulungkot pero sana, 'wag mong pababayaan ang sarili mo at ang pag-aaral mo. Ikaw na lang ang tumupad ng pangarap natin na sabay tayong gragraduate. Alam ko naman na kaya mo 'yan. Ikaw pa ba?

You know that my love will always be with you, Love. Katawan ko lang ang nawala but not my love for you. I love you. Nothing will change that. But for now, you have to stop thinking about me. You need to have a date with your thesis. I won't be jealous anymore if your whole time will be on that thesis of yours. Haha! I would love to know that you're spending each day of your life in studying and hanging out with your friends. Tell to your dad to get well soon and kindly tell to your mom that I will miss her cooking my all time favorite, Afritada. Sad thing is, I am not able to eat that anymore. Oh well, that's life, perhaps? Not having everything we want and that everything in this world has its end. I just met my end so early. But it's okay! You still have a life to live, love. Go on with your life without me. Be happy and always remember how much I love you.

Loving you beyond death,

Sarah❤