Without Her (Edited/TagLish)

Chapter 3

I was looking at Sarah who's now inside her coffin. I can't still believe that in just a span of three days, I'll never see her anymore because she'll be in her grave soon. Ilang gabi na akong hindi natutulog at hindi kumakain. Everyone seemed to be worried about me pero wala silang magawa. Naisip ko na kulang pa 'tong hirap na nararanasan ko kumpara sa hirap na dinanas ni Sarah na wala ako sa tabi niya. Pakiramdam ko, tama lang sa akin 'to.

Her parents decided to make Sarah's burial just for three days and after that, they will leave for New York. They said that they can't afford to stay at their house that will remind so much for their daughter. Naiintindihan ko naman sila dahil kung ako ang nasa kalagayan nila ay baka gano'n din ang gawin ko bilang isang magulang. Siguro ay lalo lang akong mahihirapan kung patuloy akong mananatili sa lugar kung saan naroon ang lahat ng ala-ala ng anak ko kaya naman sobra ang pag-intindi ko kina Tito.

"Chris, can we talk?" Tito Jun asked. Simula noong burol ni Sarah ay hindi na ako umalis sa tabi ng kabaong niya. Lagi ko siyang tinitingnan at iniisip ko na natutulog lang siya. Hindi ko na inisip na nasa loob siya ng kabaong. Lumingon ako kay Tito Jun bago ako tumango sa kaniya. Hindi ako umalis sa tabi ni Sarah kaya naman si Tito na ang lumapit sa pwesto ko.

"We will not sell the house. We know that you need that house," he started. Noong una ay hindi ko nakuha ang gusto niyang sabihin. Nalito ako kung bakit niya sinasabi sa akin ang bagay na 'to.

"Sarah has lots of memories on that house. As far as we both know, you want to stay in that house because you want to at least feel that Sarah is still with you," he added and yes, I wanted that to happen. We had lots of happy memories in that house of them. Kaya naman nagpasalamat ako kay Tito dahil kahit paano ay alam niya na kailangan ko ang bahay na 'yon dahil hindi ko pa rin matanggap na wala na si Sarah.

I never slept since that day when I found out that Sarah was dead. I was there when they embalmed her and believe me, I kept on shouting at her to wake up. Kahit nagmukha na akong sira-ulo dahil malinaw naman na wala na si Sarah at hindi na niya ako maririnig ay patuloy pa rin ako sa pagsigaw na sana, gumising siya.

On the last day of her burial, everyone was uttering their love and thanks to Sarah. Lahat sila ay nagpapasalamat dahil dumating si Sarah sa buhay nila. Lahat ay halos umiiyak lalo na noong sina Tita Carmel at Tito Jun na ang nagsalita. Kitang-kita sa kanila 'yong sakit at paghihirap nang mawalan ng isang anak. Katulad ko ay halata sa kanila na hindi nila matanggap na wala na si Sarah. When it's my time to talk, I went to the mini stage of the church kung saan naroon ang kabaong ni Sarah. Ilang minuto akong hindi nagsalita. I was just looking at her inside the coffin.

"For the last time, Love. Please, wake up." I know that it was a crazy thing to ask since it was so obvious that there will be no way that she'll wake up. She's dead and that's the thing that I can't accept.

"You know how much I love you and you know very well that I will be hurt so much when this day comes. You know what; I want to get mad at you. You left without warning me, without preparing me. You left without me. I haven't kissed you for the last time. I haven't felt your warm embrace. All I saw was you, being cold. Lifeless. How can you actually leave me like this, Love? How?!"

I didn't plan to cry but I guess, that's impossible. How can I stop myself from crying if I was seeing the one I love inside her coffin, slapping me the fact that she's dead? That she will never come back to me anymore?

"I can still remember when I asked you if you'll marry me if I asked you to do so. You answered me yes. But how can that be possible now? I was dreaming to see you in a church, wearing your dream wedding gown, walking along the aisle towards me. Not on this day that yes, we are in the church, you are wearing a white dress but you are inside that damn thing!" I can't help to let out how I feel that time. I didn't care anymore if there were lots of people who can see me crying. Parang ito yata ang tamang oras para isigaw ko kung ano ang nararamdaman ko. Kung gaano ako nasasaktan at nahihirapan na tanggapin na wala na si Sarah.

"You have at least told me. You have at least let me know that you're dying. You have at least prepared me. Maybe it will not be so painful. Siguro, hindi ako mahihirapan nang ganito. Kung sinabi mo lang sana sa akin, siguro hindi ganito katindi 'yong sakit. But, you know that I can't be mad at you. You have your reasons why you didn't tell me about your last day. Though I still don't understand why you hid this from me, I just can't be mad at you. I love you so much, Sarah. So much that seeing you now inside that coffin is killing me. If only I could give my life to you, I'll do it. Sana ako na lang ang nandiyan. Sana ako na lang 'yong naghirap. Sana buhay ka pa. But we both know that I am saying something which is impossible to happen. I hope you can still hear me. Hear me say that I love you even death comes our way."

Lahat ng sakit ay ramdam na ramdam ko. Pakiramdam ko nga, kahit may sumuntok sa akin ngayon ay hindi ko na mararamdaman dahil sobra na ang sakit na nararamdaman ko lalo na noong inilibing na si Sarah. Gusto kong pigilan ang pagbaba ng kabaong niya sa libingan niya. Gusto kong ihinto ang ginagawa nilang paglibing sa babaeng mahal ko. Ang sakit. Pakiramdam ko ay kasamang inilibing ang puso ko.

Nanatili ako sa sementeryo kung saan nakalibing si Sarah. Pinilit akong umuwi ni Mama pero hindi ako sumama. Pagkatapos ng libing ni Sarah ay umalis agad sina Tito at sigurado ako na nag-iimpake na sila ng gamit nila dahil aalis na sila mamaya papuntang New York.

Tiningnan ko ang lapida ni Sarah at saka ko hinaplos ang pangalan niya na nakaukit doon. Sarah Jane Lopez.

"Hey, Love. How does it feel to be in a grave?" I asked while laughing a little yet my eyes were still crying.

"Does it feel good to be there? Should I go with you, then?"

I have this urge of killing my life so I can be with Sarah. That's the only possible way that I have thought just to be with her. Gusto kong magpakamatay. Gusto kong magpasagasa sa malaking truck diyan sa kalsada. Gustong-gusto ko.

But then, what she said kept on running in my mind.

Live your life, Love. You can do it.

How can she be so sure that I can actually live without her? Paano niya malalaman? Paano niya nasabi na kaya ko? Hindi niya naman ako nakikita, 'di ba? Kung nakikita niya man ako, sana ay nakikita niya kung gaano ako nahihirapan ngayong wala na siya. I shrugged with a thought of her, seeing me but I can't see her.

"Sarah, can you hear me?" I asked. Biglang humangin. A cold wind and it felt good. Napangiti ako sa bawat pagdampi ng hangin na 'yon sa balat ko na para bang niyayakap ako.

"Love..." I whispered. Ipinikit ko ang mga mata ko habang patuloy kong pinapakiramdaman ang hangin at iniisip ko na si Sarah ang hangin na 'to na siyang yumayakap sa akin. Bigla kong naramdaman ang pag-init ng mata ko at kasabay no'n ang pagpatak ng luha ko. Ito na naman 'yong sakit sa dibdib ko. Ito na naman.

"Paano na ako ngayon, Sarah? Paano ba ako mabubuhay nang wala ka? The reason why I always wanted to imagine my future. The reason why I am excited to wake up every single day. Now that you're gone, I don't know how I can face each day without you," I said while crying so hard before the heaven joined me into tears when it started to pour out the rain.