"Never knew that it could mean so much" - összes versem

No longer

I no longer have dreams of us. I now consider them nightmares. You're the monster in them, but instead of running away, I just stare. It's bad enough I think of you while I'm wide awake and now even when I'm asleep I can't catch a break. I go to bed so I can stop thinking about you, not so in the middle of the night my thoughts can resume, the constant what ifs have me so exhausted they don't go away, no matter how much I've adjusted. I'm used to you not being around anymore, and yet you're all my brain screams for. I deserve someone nicer, willing to put in an effort, not someone whose love I can easily measure. I should be getting calls and sweet messages all day, not just a text or two. But instead I'm afraid to move on because I'm still thinking about you. I think of the fraction of my life we spent together, knowing that someone could be around for less time and still manage to treat me better. I thought you'd be my cure to life, not my poison. But you didn't use that for good, you used it as a weapon. I wanted a calm, gentle time, not to wake up from a night of crying only to depuff my eyelids. I asked you to be gentle on me, and yet it seems that word was never in your vocabulary.