RED LINE [3]

01:00

Madeline Osbourne

Ten seconds.

My body was already aching, and my head began to pound at the thought of what was about to come.

Eight seconds.

I knew if I just did it now then everything would be over and done with before I had time to process what else was too come today, just get up.

Five seconds.

Breathe. Why was my breathing getting faster?

Three seconds.

I can't. I can't do it, not right now, maybe if I sat here a little longer then it would go away, and I could confine myself in this space being unbothered by the rest of the world until the end of time-

The alarm clock siren blares around my room as I smack my head back down onto the pillow, the gentle smell of fresh lavender filling my nose once again.

I don't move to turn the alarm off as the sun hasn't even risen from outside my curtains, letting my brain know that it was way too early to be thinking about anything other than going back to sleep.

Today was meant to be the day I would be hearing from her but having paced the front door for the post man for the past three weeks, there hadn't been a single letter with my name stamped upon it to grasp my attention to leave the bed on this Monday morning.

"Turn that bloody alarm off," my dad's voice echoes around the room, the sound of the door hitting the wall behind it makes me flinch slightly.

His feet can be heard padding across the carpet and piles of clothes scattered everywhere to come beside my bedside table, turning the blaring alarm off.

"Get up." He instructed to me as I groaned audibly into my pillow, still not having found the strength to move my neck from the comfy position.

"No." I replied bluntly, pulling the duvet up my back more as I don't hear him leave the room. He must've been stood above me as I could hear his breathing in the silence that wasn't penetrated by the stupid alarm tone I had chosen ages ago and never changed.

"Yes." Is all he says before ripping the duvet off me, the heating not on and the January morning coldness biting away at my bare legs.

I sigh, rolling onto my back to look up at the ceiling and contemplate if I was ever going to receive that letter.

"It's been three weeks since my twentieth birthday, she said she would send me an acceptance letter on my birthday." I said in a monotone voice, remembering how excited I had been during that meeting, younger and a more naive version of me thought I seriously had a chance.

Even at two weeks I thought maybe she must've been so busy that she hadn't gotten around to it yet, that the task slipped her mind, and she would be sure to send it, like she promised all those years ago.

"I'm sure it's on it's away darling, don't dwell on it too much."

Is what he always said, not to dwell on it. But I was dwelling, in fact I was stressing, that years of hard work and dedication trying to get into her team, for her to notice and value me like she had when I first saw her 15 years ago.

I knew he was only trying to be supportive, with the amount of money and hours he had spent taking me to the track, helping me prepare for races, he deserved this just as much as I did.

"We can get McDonalds on the way to the track?" my dads promising tone of voice diverts my attention for a split second.

I move my eyes to look at him smirking down at me, his hands on his hips as he stood in his dressing gown and a cup of coffee keeping his hands warm that I was now starting to smell. I try to stop the smile from spreading across my face as I sit up, pushing the rest of the duvet off my feet towards the end of the bed.