Tanner and Esme

Chapter 17 (Tanner): Green-Eyed Monster

Right after the divorce, Esme began classes, and I'd go over to my parents' house and watch Jude and Liora for hours so Ez could go to classes and study. 

"You don't have to come over every night, Tanner," she'd said to me, putting Liora into my arms. "Your mom and dad are here if I need backup."

"I know. But I miss...I'm glad to have more time with them."

It was one thing we'd both agreed on without any negotiating in the custody agreement. If the parent with custody had to be away from the children for whatever reason, the other parent got first right of refusal to watch them before a sitter was called in. I always accepted any extra time with Jude and Liora.

It was the only thing keeping me sane. I got to see my children and Esme. Esme treated me like a casual acquaintance, but I was determined to move that to friendship. We'd never been friends, so I wanted to start with that. Get to really know her this time. But for now, keeping it simple and easy with Ez was my objective as I worked with my therapist on my issues. The only thing I allowed myself was when she mentioned needing something, I always offered to help.

A bookshelf to put together? Me! I'll do it.

Something heavy to carry in? Pick me!

And I was always turned down. But I was determined to keep offering in the hopes she'd accept my help someday with something other than the children.

When Esme had called to tell me that she was moving into an apartment, I'd wanted to protest, preferring her to stay with my parents so she'd be safe. She'd sounded excited, though, when she told me the complex was owned by a motorcycle club and had not one bit of crime. I wasn't thrilled about the motorcycle club affiliation, but I Googled it and it was the safest apartment complex in the state. As per our divorce agreement, we had to show the other parent where we were moving, so she invited me to come see it before she moved in when she was going over to measure the windows for shades. I'd been surprised at how well maintained and landscaped it was. Not one rotting board, not one broken outside light, not one bit of flaky paint in sight.

"This will be a great place for a brand-new start," she'd said happily to me. "I can feel it."

I'd wanted to snarl no new starts to her, but instead I just remarked with all the enthusiasm I could fake that it looked like a place she and the children would be happy in. And then I went home to my condo and put a fist through my closet door for being so fucking stupid that I'd betrayed Esme and our marriage. So many times, I wished I'd never gone over to Trent's that night. That night had ended my relationship with Esme and my relationship with Trent as well.

Right after the divorce was final, Trent had come by my office.

"Do you have something work-related to talk about?" I'd asked him as had become my habit.

"Come on, Tanner. You 've got to talk with me at some point. It's not my fault you cheated on your wife with Mindy."

"Didn't say it was. Never even implied it or thought it. My beef with you is you were working with Mindy all those years, giving her information about me, about my marriage, about my life. You shared information with her that I told you in confidence, trusting you to keep it to yourself. You didn't. So, unless there's a business-related portion to our discussion, you can leave my office."

"For fuck's sake. How long are you going to stay mad at me for this?"

"Until you've faced up to what you've done and shown me that you're different. That you've changed."

He'd walked away, pissed. I didn't care.

It'd been a year of letting go of more than just my marriage, my brother, Mindy and my travel blogging dreams. I'd looked at my convertible from my college years, my Harley and my Ducati. All of which had strong ties to memories of Mindy.

Now, I was ready to let the toys and the memories go. I had an SUV for my family and that was all I needed. I'd been holding on to these because they reminded me of my wilder days. My youth. They represented freedom, and now that I was technically free, I eyed them with distaste. They didn't make me free; they were just an illusion hiding the shackles that kept me tied to a past I no longer wanted. So I got rid of them and gave the money to Esme, telling her it was for school and books. Something good from something bad.

The one thing I couldn't force myself to get rid of was my wedding ring. It still remained on my finger, and Esme had noticed it the first time she'd seen me post-divorce, but she hadn't questioned it. She'd just shrugged and told me when she'd be back from class. I had no plans of ever taking it off, even if she seemed to be moving ahead.

Now that she was settled in her new apartment -- that she'd refused to allow me to help her move into despite my frequent offers of help leading up to moving day -- I watched the children there three nights a week so Jude and Liora didn't have to be carted around. It was a quiet place and I never saw any bikers roaming the grounds, but I knew I was under surveillance when I walked to Esme's place. Instead of creeping me out, it gave me a sense of security that she and our children were well-guarded.

But apparently not guarded enough if Jude was asking if someone was ready for the big D and they'd only been living there two weeks.

"What does that mean, buddy?" I asked him. "When you asked if I was ready for the big D?"

He shrugged his little shoulders. "It's just what Big Daddy always says when he comes over to our house."

Big Daddy?

Always comes over?

I smiled, but it felt like a snarl. "Who's Big Daddy, Jude?"

"He's our friend. He's really funny. He yells are you ready for the big deeeeeeee when he comes in. Mommy always laughs and then he gives her a big kiss."

What the ever-living fuck? Oh, hell no.

"Jude, why don't you go get dressed real quick? I need to call Mommy and then we'll have chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast."

He did a little boy version of the fist pump, then ran off.

And I called Esme, not liking the feel of the green-eyed monster that was suddenly sitting on my shoulder.