above all (m×m) ✔

45) else, love.

"Well, since you asked, Steven, I was just telling Brandon how good you two look together." Eli explained, plopping to sit on the ground in front of Benjamin, who was sitting on the couch. When Steven just lifted his palms up and shrugged, grinning in a way that was far from humble, Eli started to laugh. 

Brandon took his seat by Steven's side and gulped down some of his beer to soothe his dry throat. It still took some learning to be the center of attention for their bickering, but he could already laugh along with his friends instead of having to rush out of the room. Besides, he and Steven did look good together, just like his new haircut was worth praise. They fell back to their previous conversation, everyone relaxed and happy.

Brandon watched Shirley as she waved her hands while talking and how widely she smiled when Dam-Bi rested her head on her shoulder. Shirley was strong, and there was no doubt she would get through anything, and maybe even be the princess who would save everyone in the end. She had finally moved in with Dam-Bi, not wanting to stay in the apartment building where Trey had broken in so easily. Shirley's next project, Brandon knew, was to make Dam-Bi's mother accept her as a part of the family.

Miles was half-laying on the couch in a curious, not at all comfortable looking, posture, and Ash was playing with his hair. They were good for each other; Miles making Ash noticeably less grumpy and Ash making Miles trust in himself more. As far as Brandon knew, they weren't having any financial problems, and Ash still had his father, this smart and kind man, even as Eliana was gone.

And Eli, he was happy. Happy in the way that took the sorrow, that had seemed to linger even as he smiled, from his eyes. He had struggled in his past with depression and god knows what else, but he was fortunate to have Benjamin, Prisca, Prisca's children, Steven and the rest of their found family in his life. Benjamin was the kindest soul on earth, and his steadfast personality was a perfect match for Eli's devil-may-care attitude towards his own safety. 

"Do you still want to stay?" Steven asked softly, whispering in a group against his earlier statement about it being impolite. The sun had set by then, and the rooftop bathed in the light of the lanterns, candles and light bulb strings. It was a beautiful night and Brandon almost wished it would never end, but then again, he couldn't wait to get in the warmth of their home with Steven. "I'm missing our babies, but if you want to stay, I'm all up to it for sure."

"Steven and I are going to head home now." Brandon told the others, smiling even as some of their friends groaned and told them to stay a while longer. 

"Shush, guys, it's been a lovely evening, but I'm taking my man home right about now." Steven joined in, a dramatic note in his tone, and hopped up from the couch. "Who wants a hug? Going once, going—"

He was cut short by their friends, all jumping up and opening their arms wide. Someone pulled Brandon up as well, and then they were engulfed into a group hug. Someone's elbows pressed into Brandon's side and he could barely breathe as the others squeezed so tight, but he found himself not minding a bit.

"Bye, be safe." Shirley wished as they pulled back from the hug. She narrowed her eyes at Steven and said in a fake serious voice: "I'm looking at you, Steven. If anything happens to my dear brother, I'm going to—"

"And that's our cue to go." Brandon cut her short with a chuckle, and pulled Steven with him by the crook of his arm. Steven was cackling when he followed Brandon, and only grew serious when they stepped back into the building. With his hand on the small on Brandon's back, he leaned against the wall and tucked Brandon in for a kiss.

Love tends to find even the ones grown cynical about it, the people who have given up on ever finding someone to share their life with. Everything, the good and the bad, in this life comes to one thing, and that is love. So many healing things are done out of love, but so are the most hurtful ones. For love sometimes leads to heartbreak, and heartbreak is undoubtedly the worst kind of pain. 

"You know what we should do?" Brandon murmured against Steven's lips before capturing them for another kiss. It was soft, leisurely and intensive all at once. Brandon tucked Steven's collar, the fabric silky against his fingers. Steven hummed a sort of an answer into the kiss, but didn't seem to be in any hurry to move to any other place anytime soon. "Race me?"

We can fight to keep others at distance, to build protecting walls around our hearts, but that absence of hurt comes with a price. Love hurts. Sometimes our hearts get broken and we lose those we care for the most, and that bloody well tears us apart, shreds us into pieces. Love, not just the romantic kind but all the ways we care about the surrounding world, is the thing that makes life worth living for, the only thing that truly matters. 

"What?" Steven pulled back, breathlessly. His eyebrows were lifted like he was expecting to have heard Brandon wrong. 

Where there is pain, there is healing. Even though love can't heal it all, it makes all the difference in the world. Letting someone in and handing them the key to love and wound us is scary, but we can't go on guarding our hearts if we want to heal. It hurts because it matters, and nothing hurts only if nothing matters, but if nothing matters, truly, what's the point?

"I said, race me." Brandon repeated, then dashed to the stairs. In a beat, he could hear footsteps echoing in the hallway, as Steven sprinted after him. Steven caught him by the main door, winded, but instead of telling Brandon to stop, he took his hand into his and they ran into the night. Knowing that home wasn't far away, and hearts so full of love they could burst any moment, it was easy to smile.

×××

Thank you all for reading this book till the end! A special thanks goes for all of you who have been reading the Jester series from the beginning and encouraged me to keep writing it. I'm actually sad to move on to other stories, but I hope you'll stick around and give them a chance as well.

These books have each been a journey, and I've put quite a lot of my own struggles into these. If you've ever wondered why I always end up writing about PTSD, it's because I have it. I had to find out my diagnosis from — no kidding — NCIS Los Angeles. What I thought was a series of character flaws was actually a mental health condition, and nobody saw fit to mention to me that I had the diagnosis until I started asking about all the war veterans and our similar symptoms. So, yeah, that kind of sucked, and I want to write about these conditions to make people in similar situations feel less alone.

And, of course, to raise awareness about the long-lasting effects that traumatic experiences can have. It's not just something you get over with, but instead it's a battle after a battle until one day you might or might not heal to a point you can accept what happened and move on with your life. I'm fortunate enough to have an amazing therapist and I can tell you that it truly does get better. :)

PTSD, depression, anxiety, addictions and body dysmorphia (which I have featured in these stories) are serious conditions. If you suspect you might have an undiagnosed psychiatric disorder, you're not alone. Don't hesitate to seek medical advice.

That being said, I've absolutely loved all my boys and girls during these years of writing about them, and it's been heart-warming to see that many of you feel the same. I can't even begin to describe how much that means to me, so thank you again. 🖤