Leaving The Lights On

Chapter Twenty Eight: It's a month to spread prevention

Jean's Point of View

As I was struggling to fix myself and get up every morning. My brother Winter, always leave me notes to read that he always stick it to my rooms door. He's so sweet, kabaliktaran sa ate niya.

You know, Iyung feeling na gigising ka lang for the thought na kailangan mong bumangon at pumasok sa school and you've got no choice. Gigising, tingin sa phone, sa oras, bangon, ligo kahit puyat, eat and go to school.

Always repeating the process na wala, naglalakad kang patay. Seems like your just an empty shell, not even positivity wanted to possessed into your body.

It's been a year since my mother died. Pumapasok na rin ako just what she wanted. My brother always leaves note na ikinakainis ko kasi para sa akin makalat but at the same time natutuwa ako.

“Hindi ka ba papasok?” Tanong nang tatay ko na nagkakape sa kusena.

You know, after my mom died, my dad changes. Not the negativity one, akala ko nga after my mom died he'll be going out to find another wife. Kasi ito nga, let's face it. Some not all, iyan talaga ang gagawin. But, according to him his not young anymore at wala na raw iyan sa isip niya.

“Yeah!” sagot ko lang sa tanong nito. Yeah! I mean, kahit ako naman ayaw ko rin siyang maghanap nang panibagong asawa hanggat hindi pa niya napapagtapus si Winter.

At kung maghahanap man siya aalis ako sa bahay. I don't want to see him feeding someone with his money ta's kami mapapabayaan. No! Kahit pa sabihing hindi lahat ganiyan.

Hindi naman kami naghangad na magkaroon nang panibagong nanay. Siya naman naghanap, it won't do on me. Lalo pa at may kapatid ako, ayuko.

“Umiinom ka pa rin ba noong Anti- depressants mo?” Tanong na naman nito. Umupo na nga ako sa kaharap niyang upuan sa kusena habang ina-abot ang thermos ng mainit na tubig.

“Hindi ko na iniinom. Kung iinomin ko mas mababaliw ako, pa.” Sagot ko pa.

Really, I've been diagnosed with (MDD) Major Depressive Disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest.

A serious medical condition that is characterized by a combination of symptoms, including persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" moods; feelings of hopelessness, guilt, or worthlessness; helplessness and loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyed.

It's not like, I self diagnosed myself but truly, my mother's sister pursued me to get some help. I've been talking medications before, the anti-depressant and that one medicine that I couldn't swallow that I forgot the name.

You know, mas may nagtutulak sa akin nang masama pag nakakatake ako nang gamot. Siguro, sa hiyang lang talaga sa gamot ang pwedi. Mas na pupush kasi ako sa edge pag nakatake ako ng gamot. Kayak itinigil ko.

Sa totoo lang, people like me who suffered and still suffering to depression wasn't really obviously known to having that kind of mental problems. As you can see, I smile a lot, I joke a lot and laugh a lot, but still, no one knew except to my family who knew what was going on

People with this kind of problems like me wanted to talk about it. But in contrary, we are ashamed and very scared to share what's happening within us, when really, no one listen. Sometimes, what I truly want was the one who listen, not that person who gives advices.

I just wanted to be heard that's all. And I just wanted someone to listen, and that's all matters.

Ang saya kaya at ang gaan sa pakiramdam na alam mong may taong makikinig sa iyo, even tho, he or she either suffering from the same problem as you or just wanted to listen to your story or your point of view.

After that question tumahimik nalang ito at tinatapus ang kape niya. Ako naman as always tumunganga sa harap nito.

***

It's never been good throughout the day. Halos wala akong ginawang productive ngayon at tinatamad ako.

As I was pretending to scan my empty notes, I heard a knock from my door. It's almost 10pm at pa11 na nang gabi, and then my brother entered my room.

“Samahan mo ako sa rooftop saglit ate may kukunin ako.” Saad nito. Yes! We've got a little rooftop at minsan doon ko sinasampay panty ko. Bakit ba? Property naman namin iyun walang pakialamanan.

“Winter gabi na!” saway ko pa at tumayo naman agad sa kama ko at sinalihan ito.

Galit-galitan kunwari pero sasamahan naman din. Pagtalaga pinoy hahahaha

“Saglit lang naman!” maktol pa nito at sabay na kaming pumuntang rooftop.

Pinagagalitan ko pa at kinukulit sa anong kukunin habang papaakyat kami. Kanina kasing maaga pa eh hindi kinuha ngayong malalim na gabi iyun lang ma-aalala.

As we arrived at the rooftop agad akong nagulat nang pagbukas ko nang pinto ay ang pagliwanag nang kalangitan.

“Good thing at sakto lang punta natin,” agad niya akong hinila papalabas at pina-upo sa nakahanda na palang upuan dito.

I'm speechless na nakatingin sa makulay na kalangitan. It's a fireworks display at napatingin pa ako sa kapatid ko.

“Maganda hindi ba?” Tanong pa nito na nakapagpatango lang sa akin. “Your also beautiful ate, even without those colorful lights your beauty shines with the moonlight. So don't be sad.”

As he says those words, I looked again to that beautiful fireworks that light up our night sky and treasure this memory. How I wish I am you Winter, through all this darkness you always find something I couldn't. And even if I wasn't you, I also believe that you are my Moonlight. You shine bright to be with me in the darkness.

Agad ko siyang niyakap nang mahigpit habang hindi nagsasalita. I hug him tight until the fireworks are gone.

“Thank you!” A tear started to fall down to my cheeks and hug him tighter. Between us two, this kid is my home.